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Old 11-01-2009, 06:37 AM   #1
Arvon
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Join Date: October 4, 2001
Location: Kingdom of the West,..P.o. Cynagus
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Default Joke World 11-01-09

Well now that the year is winding down and we enter turkey month, it;s time to enter your turkys here...

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.

After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"
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Old 11-01-2009, 12:53 PM   #2
Arvon
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Default Re: Joke World 11-01-09

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

o Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa: half discovered, half wild,
fertile and naturally beautiful.

o Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe: well developed and open to
trade, especially for something of real value.

o Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain: very hot, relaxed, and
convinced of her own beauty.

o Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece: gently aging but still a
warm and desirable place to visit.

o Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain: with a glorious
and all-conquering past.

o Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel: she has been throuh war,
doesn't make the same mistake twice and takes care of business.

o Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada: self-preserving, but open
to meeting new people.

o After 70 she becomes like Tibet: wildly beautiful with a mysterious
past and the wisdom of the ages, an adventurious spirit and a thurst
for spiritual knowledge.

MAP FO A MAN

o Between 1 and 90, men are like citizens of Iran: ruled by their nuts...


---Funny Times---
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Old 11-02-2009, 06:28 AM   #3
Arvon
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Default Re: Joke World 11-01-09

A blonde and a brunette were walking down the dark basement stairs to find a wrench. When they were half way down the stairs the blonde screamed. "What's wrong?" "Something brushed against my right leg!!" So both the brunette and the blonde were running around the basement screaming. "I keep feeling it!! Make it stop! Wait" The blonde said. "That was just my left leg!"
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Old 11-03-2009, 06:45 AM   #4
Arvon
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Default Re: Joke World 11-01-09

A life-long city man, tired of the rat race, decided he was going to give up the city life, move to the country, and become a chicken farmer. He bought a nice, used chicken farm and moved in. As it turned out, his next door neighbor was also a chicken farmer. The neighbor came for a visit one day and said, "Chicken farming isn't easy. Tell you what. To help you get started, I'll give you 100 chickens."
The new chicken farmer was thrilled. Two weeks later the neighbor dropped by to see how things were going. The new farmer said, "Not too well. All 100 chickens died." The neighbor said, "Oh, I can't believe that. I've never had any trouble with my chickens. I'll give you 100 more." Another two weeks went by and the neighbor stopped by again. The new farmer said, "You're not going to believe this, but the second 100 chickens died too." Astounded, the neighbor asked, "What went wrong?"
The new farmer said, "Well, I'm not sure whether I'm planting them too deep or too close together."
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Old 11-04-2009, 07:02 AM   #5
Arvon
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Default Re: Joke World 11-01-09

A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. After the husband had finally had enough, he jumped up and took a blanket to the couch.

The next day, the wife feeling badly about what happened, decided to buy her husband a gift. Since he was an avid golfer, she went to the pro shop at the club where he usually played golf.

The wife talked with the pro, and he suggested a putter and showed her one of his finest. "How much is it?" she asked.

"One-hundred and fifty dollars," he replied. She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so.

"But it comes with an inscription," the pro said.

"What kind of inscription?" she asked.

"Whatever you wish," he explained. "But, one of the old golfers' favorites is: 'Never Up, Never In'."

"Oh, that will never do!" exclaimed the wife. "That's what started the argument in the first place."
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Old 11-04-2009, 12:54 PM   #6
Arvon
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Default Re: Joke World 11-01-09

PG, Rude, and old...

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's!
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Old 11-04-2009, 05:33 PM   #7
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Default Re: Joke World 11-01-09

An elderly lady had been seeing the same doctor for years and years. Finally he retired, and a new, young doctor took over his practice. The first time she visited him she asked for a refill on her prescription, telling him how much better they help her sleep.

The doctor looked at the bottle and said "Ma'am, these are birth control pills. At your age I doubt you need them, and I promise you there's nothing in them to help you sleep,"

The lady replied, "son, you might be a doctor but you don't know everything. I have a 16 year old granddaughter. Every night, I grind one up and stir it into her tea. Thanks to them pills I sleep just fine!"
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Old 11-05-2009, 11:45 AM   #8
Arvon
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Default Re: Joke World 11-01-09

Another oldie...

A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.

"Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"

The fourth floor sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.

"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.
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Old 11-06-2009, 07:08 AM   #9
Arvon
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Default Re: Joke World 11-01-09

Real oldie and kinda lame...

A famous sexologist was giving a lecture in front of a big crowd.

"There are 4 kinds of men when it comes to sex. The first kind does it every day. You can usually recognize him by his masculine body and the constant smile on his face. Do we have anyone like this in the audience?"

A man got up from the audience and he fitted the description: Big firm body with a smile on his face.

"Then there is the second kind. They have sex once a week. They also have a generally happy mood, and look pretty good, but of course not as good as the first kind. Is there any one of them here tonight?".

A second man got up, and he too fitted the description.

"The third kind do it once a month. They are chubby and usually grumpy. Anyone of them here?".

The man that raised from his chair looked exactly like the expert claimed.

"And then there is the 4th kind. They do it once a year. They usually have a big belly, but the thing that is most tipical is that they are in a constant state of depression. I know it would be hard for him to admit, but if there is one of those in the audience, please rise".

A fat and short man stood up, but in contrary to the experts prediction, he looked very cheerful.

"You do it only once a year?", the expert asked.

"Yes, only once a year".

"So why are you so happy?", demanded the expert.

"Well", said the man, cheeringly, "Tonight is the night!"...
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Old 11-06-2009, 03:38 PM   #10
ZFR
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Default Re: Joke World 11-01-09

Quote:
Originally Posted by Arvon View Post
Another oldie...

A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.

"Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"

The fourth floor sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.

"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.
If you know the author of this one, tell him it might have been slightly funnier if she actually finds something on the floor above too...
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