Joke World 08-01-08

[Arvon]

Disclaimer: Jokes/pictures may be old, repeats or even not funny. Most will be reasonably clean and cube safe.

Custody Battle

The scene was a tiny mountain village in a remote section of West Virginia. An old mountaineer and his young wife were getting a divorce in the local court.

But custody of the children was a problem.

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that, since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The old mountaineer also wanted custody of the children. The judge asked for his side of the story and, after a long moment of silence, the mountaineer slowly rose from his chair and said, "Judge, when I put a quarter in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?"

[VulcanRider]

TEENAGERS ARE LIKE CATS:

--Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.

--No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all human efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.

--You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.

--Even if you tell jokes as well as David Letterman, neither your cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile.

--No cat nor teenager shares your taste in music.

--Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.

--Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.

--Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy -- a sense of complete and utter boredom.

--No cat nor any teenager has ever improved anyone's furniture.

--Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior.

Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times. And remember above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction. When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.

[VulcanRider]

3. Freaking. Minutes. Arvon's thread is older. How do we delete this one?

[Luvian]

There you go. Just one thread now.

[Madman-Rogovich]

Originally Posted by Arvon Disclaimer: Jokes/pictures may be old, repeats or even not funny.

A ham sandwich walks into a bar, the barman sais ''Sorry we stopped serving food at 8.''

-cue church bells, tumbleweeds etc

[Bungleau]

I've just been listening to a CD of "Eight rules for dating my teenage daughter". And here's today's xkcd comic...

[Arvon]

Sound Familiar?

A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey.
"If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it."

"But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it.

"This is my position, and I will not compromise!"

[Arvon]

A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago. On this particular trip he decided to bring his wife. When they arrived at their hotel and were shown to their room, the man said: "You rest here while I register - I'll be back within an hour."

The wife lies down on the bed... just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.

Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up. The manager (naturally) is sceptical but the wife insists the story is true.

"Look,... lie here on the bed - you'll be thrown right to the floor!"

So he lies down next to the wife... Just then the husband walks in. "What," he says, "are you doing here?"

The manager replies: "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"

[Arvon]

A Little PG...

A mother, father and young son are visiting the circus. The elephants walk out into the circus ring and the little boy says to his mother, "What's that?"
"That's the elephant's tail," she replies.

"No, under the tail," says the youngster.

The mother is clearly embarrassed and says, "Oh, nothing."

The boy turns to his father and repeats the same question. His father looks and says, "That's the elephant's penis, son."

"So, why did mum say it was nothing?" asks the boy.

The father draws himself up to his full height and says, "Son, I've spoiled that woman."

[Arvon]

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."