New poems

[Stormymystic]

since no one seems to read the work shop, i will post my poems in the opens again, here is the one from the workshop

this poem is based on the birth of my son, who weighed 1lb and 14 1/2 ounces when he was born he was small enough that you hand would cver his whole body, and you could see inside of him through his skin. do not fret he is alive and well now


A poem for my hero


When he was born
they said he would die
he was so small
and could bearly cry

when i first saw him
it broke my heart
never did i hold him
and it tore me apart

I stayed by his side
as long I dared
to whisper his name
in song and prayer

as the weeks grew longer
he slowly grew older
from August to December
he was a brave soldier

I spoke his name
to him everyday
and translated his name
as brave beyond praise

he has grown to be four
but the pain we still share
for every day is a trial
and is used with great care


I'm sorry


Why is it so hard
to say I'm sorry to you
for the things I have said
and what I've put ou through

The pain you must feel
at the words that I spoke
I just sat by and watched
While your heart was broken

I wish I could change
what I've said and done
then we could be together
As friends and as one

To give you my heart
is what I promised to do
and if you will let me
I will give it back to you

This poem was written for my husband, though he has not read it, I am not ready for him to see it yet, there is to much of my heart in it

[Stormymystic]

you know....it never hurts to tell me these suck, i wont get mad promise

[Mellagar]

Well, you should certainly show your husband the poem, and let him read it. Is not marriage a constant sharing of emotion? Besides, you've shared this with hundreds of strangers, why not with the one man you know best?

Now, as for your poems, they are indeed well versed in rhyme, and some may say I have no room for comment, but after 8 years of writing I would hope to consider myself well adept.

In the grammer sense, one which I am frustratingly picky on, I saw only a few Oopsies. There are a lot of people who seem to feel content with saying writing is all emotion, but if it can't be read it can't be understood. Not that your poems are illegible, quite the contrary. The word 'bearly' that you used should be 'barely,' in A Poem for My Hero. You seem to like using the old style rhyme, For example:
"when I first saw him
it broke my heart
never did I hold him
and it tore me apart"

Of course I could be wrong, but it seems this is the style you like, or use often. The "never did I hold him" is what I mostly referring to. Of course poems never have to rhyme, as you probably already know, but it seems to some that the poem flows better if it does. In the first poem, I am assuming this is your child, or a child of someone you knew, if not the reader might assume this, as I have, but it works well regardless.
As for your second poem, I am not seasoned in the subject of relationships, but they're kindly written verses.

Now for the forthright part of my reply. Some lines could be shortened into one.
For example:
"I spoke his name
to him everyday"
Perhaps you could, if you prefer, to fit the two together.
"Everyday, I spoke to him his name"

Of course this is only a suggestion.

Your poems do not 'suck' as you bluntly put it, as the only poetry that is truly poor is that which is perversed of an individual's passions.
(Do you think I have enough thick words in there to win a game of scrabble?)

Since there are poems here, I suppose it would only be fitting to post one myself. (If mine is horrible, its because I meant it to be )
__________________________________________________ _______

Eyes of the Fallen

Echoes of a name to a soul soon lost,
Great hearts left bitter upon the morrow's death.
Shells of the fallen lay bloodied on winter's frost.
Hear, can you now, the call of sweet mothers,
See them joined eternally as brothers.
In gatherings they rest within the primal fen,
Gazing evermore lifeless, the eyes of the fallen.
__________________________________________________ _______
Not a great work, but it doesn't have to be.

Your poems are very nice, and if you've more of them, by all means, share them.

[Stormymystic]

Here is another one i just wrote, please tell me what you think, this is not excatly how i feel, but close

Breathless whispers

I lay down my life
by the touch of my blade
I ask for forgiveness
For the mistakes that I've made

As my blood seeps out
I beg from you all
Please do not forget me
Or let my name fall

Though the life slowly drains
I know I will soon be a blur
upon this world I shall leave
my breathless whispers

I know I have to go
but before I leave this place
please come before me
so I may look upon your face

May my breathless whispers
stir within your souls
to help you find your path
and reach your mighty goals

[Stormymystic]

Thank you for the advice, and please fell free to keep posting here, you seem to be very talented

p.s vaskez has been on me about my grammer too,lol
and why he has not seen it, i am scared what he may feel or do or say

[LordKathen]

Stormy, great poem and have faith in your marriage. If he has any emotion at all, he will apreciate what is being said by his wife.


p.s. Visiting Coast to Coast I see... [img]tongue.gif[/img]


[ 05-06-2003, 12:41 AM: Message edited by: LordKathen ]

[Mellagar]

Unless you're certain of the outcome there is no need to be worried.

[Stormymystic]

Thank you LK but i am not sure he has any , strange as it soounds henever shows them and always says strange things about my poems, but admits i have talent

[Mr. Mopery]

I've been on a Haiku kick lately... Haiku with a theme of physical illness. Hence:

antique violence
agonizing toe spasms
wrack my wooden leg

or

Wild song
In my sad nostrils
Breathy honk

I doubt I'll win any awards, but it's fun.

Anyway, not trying to take away from anybody else's poems. Just thought I'd add my own bits and bobs. [img]smile.gif[/img]

[harleyquinn]

Originally posted by Stormymystic: you know....it never hurts to tell me these suck, i wont get mad promise

We could say that, but then we'd be lying. These are really good. You have quiet the talent!!