Joke World 11-01-09 - Page 4

Arvon · 11-20-2009, 07:05 AM

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "John, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

John says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just pooped my pants."

Arvon · 11-21-2009, 07:17 AM

Real oldie...

Fu, Bu and Chu immigrated to the USA from China. They decided to become
American citizens, and "Americanize" their names.
Bu, called himself "Buck"
Chu called himself "Chuck"
Fu decided to return to China.

Arvon · 11-22-2009, 07:10 AM

A stuffy matron is with a new man in a top restaurant. The onion soup gets
to her, and as the waiter is serving the main dishes she lets loose a
bombastic fart. Trying to save face, she says to the waiter, "Sir! Please
stop that immediately."

"Certainly, madame," replies the waiter with a bow. "Which way was it
headed?"

VulcanRider · 11-23-2009, 05:43 AM

I beat a Harley!!!
Hi i was cruising along on my bike when a big hog roared past. I watched him go and thought to myself," we are approaching the twisties and i reckon i can take him", so I upped the pace to get a little closer. I saw him brake hard as he hit the first corner and i gained a heap of ground! Then he was gone. it took me about 4 corners before I caught sight of him rounding the corner in front of me. a couple of corners later I was on the same bend as him. it took me two more corners and i was up behind him. As we maneuvered around the next bends, I gained even more until I was beside him. The next corner I nosed in front much to his disgust! It only took two more corners and I was fully in front and no matter what he did, I just kept pulling away. Through the last few corners I pushed as hard as i could and by the final corner I couldn't even see him in the mirror. I hit the straight and waited. After what seemed a long long time, I heard the classic Vrrroooom of the big motor and he roared past, but for that brief moment, those few corners I beat a Harley!!!

I can't take all the credit though, Schwinn makes a great bike and I don't think I have ever peddled that hard!

Arvon · 11-23-2009, 06:42 AM

Two strangers are sitting in an adjacent seats in airplane.

One guy says to the other, "Let's talk. I hear that the flight will go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The other guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes off his glasses and asks, "What would you like to discuss?"

The first guy says, "Oh, I don't know; how about nuclear power?"

The other guy says, "OK, that could make for some pretty interesting conversation. But let me ask you a question first:

"A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes pellets, the cow, big patties, and the horse, clumps of dried grass. Why is that?"

The first guy says, "I don't know."

The other guy says, "Oh? Well then, do you really think you're qualified to discuss Nuclear Power when you don't know shit?"

VulcanRider · 11-23-2009, 06:14 PM

Keep Trying! Family-friendly, no sound needed.

Arvon · 11-24-2009, 06:46 AM

A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the wooden toilet seat.

The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor.

She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go.

When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament. The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"

"Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but never framed."

VulcanRider · 11-25-2009, 05:33 AM

Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Newfoundland.
The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'
The first one says, 'So am I! And where about in Newfoundland are ya from ?
The other woman answers, 'I'm from St.John's , I am.'
The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what street did you live in Newfoundland ?'
The other woman says, 'A lovely little area it was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.'
The first one says, 'Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?'
The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course.'
The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?'
The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'
The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling
down upon us ! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight.
Can you believe it, I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self.
About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael, shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'
Michael asks, ' Why do you say that, Brian?'

Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are drunk again .'

Arvon · 11-25-2009, 06:58 AM

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of
Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating
cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John, he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it
anymore. They decided to try and convert John to Catholicism. They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to Church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic."

The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved. The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came,
and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was setting down to their tuna fish dinner, came the wafting
smell of steak cooking on a grill. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses!

WHAT WAS GOING ON?

They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first
Friday of Lent? The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."

Arvon · 11-26-2009, 07:04 AM

PG for language...

A Lady walks into a Mercedes dealership. She browses around, then spots
the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine
leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her. Very embarrassed, she looks
around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes
a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns back, there standing
next to her is Andre a salesman.

"Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

He answers, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just touching
it, you are going to SHIT when you hear the price."

11-20-2009, 07:05 AM	#31
Arvon Unicorn Join Date: October 4, 2001 Location: Kingdom of the West,..P.o. Cynagus Posts: 4,212	Re: Joke World 11-01-09 Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "John, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?" John says, "I feel just like a newborn baby." "Really!? Like a newborn baby!?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just pooped my pants." __________________ 53.7% of all statistics are made up

11-21-2009, 07:17 AM	#32
Arvon Unicorn Join Date: October 4, 2001 Location: Kingdom of the West,..P.o. Cynagus Posts: 4,212	Re: Joke World 11-01-09 Real oldie... Fu, Bu and Chu immigrated to the USA from China. They decided to become American citizens, and "Americanize" their names. Bu, called himself "Buck" Chu called himself "Chuck" Fu decided to return to China. __________________ 53.7% of all statistics are made up

11-22-2009, 07:10 AM	#33
Arvon Unicorn Join Date: October 4, 2001 Location: Kingdom of the West,..P.o. Cynagus Posts: 4,212	Re: Joke World 11-01-09 A stuffy matron is with a new man in a top restaurant. The onion soup gets to her, and as the waiter is serving the main dishes she lets loose a bombastic fart. Trying to save face, she says to the waiter, "Sir! Please stop that immediately." "Certainly, madame," replies the waiter with a bow. "Which way was it headed?" __________________ 53.7% of all statistics are made up

11-23-2009, 05:43 AM	#34
VulcanRider Lord Soth Join Date: July 25, 2002 Location: Melbourne FL Age: 61 Posts: 1,971	Re: Joke World 11-01-09 I beat a Harley!!! Hi i was cruising along on my bike when a big hog roared past. I watched him go and thought to myself," we are approaching the twisties and i reckon i can take him", so I upped the pace to get a little closer. I saw him brake hard as he hit the first corner and i gained a heap of ground! Then he was gone. it took me about 4 corners before I caught sight of him rounding the corner in front of me. a couple of corners later I was on the same bend as him. it took me two more corners and i was up behind him. As we maneuvered around the next bends, I gained even more until I was beside him. The next corner I nosed in front much to his disgust! It only took two more corners and I was fully in front and no matter what he did, I just kept pulling away. Through the last few corners I pushed as hard as i could and by the final corner I couldn't even see him in the mirror. I hit the straight and waited. After what seemed a long long time, I heard the classic Vrrroooom of the big motor and he roared past, but for that brief moment, those few corners I beat a Harley!!! I can't take all the credit though, Schwinn makes a great bike and I don't think I have ever peddled that hard! __________________ ----- Help feed animals in shelters with just a mouse click at The Animal Rescue Site !!

11-23-2009, 06:42 AM	#35
Arvon Unicorn Join Date: October 4, 2001 Location: Kingdom of the West,..P.o. Cynagus Posts: 4,212	Re: Joke World 11-01-09 Two strangers are sitting in an adjacent seats in airplane. One guy says to the other, "Let's talk. I hear that the flight will go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The other guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes off his glasses and asks, "What would you like to discuss?" The first guy says, "Oh, I don't know; how about nuclear power?" The other guy says, "OK, that could make for some pretty interesting conversation. But let me ask you a question first: "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes pellets, the cow, big patties, and the horse, clumps of dried grass. Why is that?" The first guy says, "I don't know." The other guy says, "Oh? Well then, do you really think you're qualified to discuss Nuclear Power when you don't know shit?" __________________ 53.7% of all statistics are made up

11-23-2009, 06:14 PM	#36
VulcanRider Lord Soth Join Date: July 25, 2002 Location: Melbourne FL Age: 61 Posts: 1,971	Re: Joke World 11-01-09 Keep Trying! Family-friendly, no sound needed. __________________ ----- Help feed animals in shelters with just a mouse click at The Animal Rescue Site !!

11-24-2009, 06:46 AM	#37
Arvon Unicorn Join Date: October 4, 2001 Location: Kingdom of the West,..P.o. Cynagus Posts: 4,212	Re: Joke World 11-01-09 A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the wooden toilet seat. The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor. She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go. When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament. The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?" "Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but never framed." __________________ 53.7% of all statistics are made up

11-25-2009, 05:33 AM	#38
VulcanRider Lord Soth Join Date: July 25, 2002 Location: Melbourne FL Age: 61 Posts: 1,971	Re: Joke World 11-01-09 Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Newfoundland. The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!' The first one says, 'So am I! And where about in Newfoundland are ya from ? The other woman answers, 'I'm from St.John's , I am.' The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what street did you live in Newfoundland ?' The other woman says, 'A lovely little area it was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.' The first one says, 'Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?' The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course.' The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?' The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.' The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us ! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self. About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer. Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael, shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.' Michael asks, ' Why do you say that, Brian?' Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are drunk again .' __________________ ----- Help feed animals in shelters with just a mouse click at The Animal Rescue Site !!

11-25-2009, 06:58 AM	#39
Arvon Unicorn Join Date: October 4, 2001 Location: Kingdom of the West,..P.o. Cynagus Posts: 4,212	Re: Joke World 11-01-09 John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John, he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore. They decided to try and convert John to Catholicism. They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to Church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic." The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved. The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was setting down to their tuna fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON? They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent? The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish." __________________ 53.7% of all statistics are made up

11-26-2009, 07:04 AM	#40
Arvon Unicorn Join Date: October 4, 2001 Location: Kingdom of the West,..P.o. Cynagus Posts: 4,212	Re: Joke World 11-01-09 PG for language... A Lady walks into a Mercedes dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns back, there standing next to her is Andre a salesman. "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?" He answers, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just touching it, you are going to SHIT when you hear the price." __________________ 53.7% of all statistics are made up

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