Joke World 11-01-09

[Arvon]

While the pope was visiting the USA, he told the driver of his limo that he has the sudden urge to drive. The driver was a good Catholic man, and would not ever dream of questioning the pope's authority. So the pope sat at the wheel, while his driver got in the back.
They were traveling down the road doing between 70 and 80 mph, when a policeman happened to see them. As he pulled them over, he called in to headquarters reporting a speeding limo, with a VIP inside it.

The chief asked: "Who is in the limo, the mayor?"
The policeman told him: "No, someone more important than the mayor."

Then the chief asked "Is it the governor?"
The policeman answered: "No, someone more important than the governor."

The chief finally asked: "Is it the President?"
The policeman answered: "No, someone even more important than the President."

This made the chief very angry and he bellowed: "Now who is more important than the President?!"
The policeman calmly wispered: "I'll put it to you this way chief. I don't know who is this guy, but he has the pope as his chauffeur."

[VulcanRider]

I'm Ready for Retirement!

I've got...

Silver in the Hair

Gold in the Teeth.

Stones in the Kidneys

Sugar in the Blood.

Lead in the Feet.

Iron in the Arteries.

And an inexhaustible supply of Natural Gas.


I never thought I'd accumulate such wealth...

[Arvon]

A repeat...


A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us'.

Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.'

The entire congregation said, 'Amen.'

[VulcanRider]

The Importance of Walking.....

-Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.
-My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where he is.
-I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
-The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again .
-I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing..
-I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.
-Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
-I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
-The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'
-If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
-I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,........ just getting over the hill.
-We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
-Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.
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Scotch with two drops of water...

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today."

The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you.. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming up,' says the bartender

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming right up,' the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'

The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'
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'OLD' IS WHEN....

-Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'
-Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
-A sexy babe or hunk catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
-Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
-You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
-You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police
-'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today.
-'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.
-An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

[VulcanRider]

Some fascinating things on old tombstones!

Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903--Died 1942.
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the
car was on the way down. It was.

=============================

In a Thurmont, Maryland cemetery:

Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up and no
place to go.

=============================

On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in

East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia :

Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102. Only The
Good Die Young.

=============================

In a London, England cemetery:

Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid
but died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767

=============================

In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:

Anna Wallace

The children of Israel wanted bread, And
the Lord sent them manna. Clark Wallace
wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna.

===============================

In a Ruidoso, New Mexico , cemetery:

Here lies Johnny Yeast... Pardon him
for not rising.

===============================

In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:

Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.

==============================

In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:

Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.

================================

A lawyer's epitaph in England:

Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
and that is Strange.

=================================

John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne,

England, cemetery:

Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.

==================================

In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:

On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went
out of tune.

==================================

Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls ,

Vermont :

Here lies the body of our Anna,
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.

==================================

On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket ,

Massachusetts :

Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God.

==================================

In a cemetery in England:

Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I
As I am now, so shall you be.
Remember this and follow me.

To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:

To follow you I'll not consent.
Until I know which way you went.

[Arvon]

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all!) When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.

To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "ticket, please."

[VulcanRider]

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks.
His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a
robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that
afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school.

Tommy was over 2 hours late..."Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours
late getting home?" asked John..."Several of us went to the library to work
on an extra credit project," said Tommy.

The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely
out of his chair. "Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell
us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy. "What did you
watch?" asked Marsha. "The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off
his chair.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied.
We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John.. "When I was your age, I never lied to
my parents." The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that
nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you
ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is
your son!"

The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

[Arvon]

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help his with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitced Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, Pull!", but Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!", but buddy didn't respond. Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!", still nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" and the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

[Arvon]

While a Texan was busily preparing for the first day of deer hunting season, his wife started nagging that he never asked her to go along. After several hours of argument the wife won.

That next morning they drove out to the country, and he placed his wife in a tree about 100 yards from his blind. Just as the hunter reached the blind, he heard a loud bang coming from the wife's position.

As he ran up to her, he saw that she was holding her gun on a man nearby and shouting, "It's my deer! Get away from It!!

The sheepish-looking stranger just nodded slowly and said, "OK, lady.. It's your deer. Just let me get my saddle off of it!"

[Arvon]

A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of them
suddenly grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to
be breathing and his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy
whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
He gasps to the operator, "I think Bubba is dead! What should I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and
follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, and then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line,

"Okay, he's dead."