Joke World 3-1-09

[Bungleau]

The Russian can't find any actual Americans because *they* are all hard at work, while those who are being provided for by the American government (food stamps, housing, medical care, etc.) are out wandering the streets.

[thecarrotdude]

Originally Posted by Bungleau The Russian can't find any actual Americans because *they* are all hard at work, while those who are being provided for by the American government (food stamps, housing, medical care, etc.) are out wandering the streets.

As in the immigrants? Haha, that's funny. Those Mexicans are never working. Too bad the joke didn't include blacks, because they don't do anything either. Not like the actual Americans.

[Arvon]

Too much coffee!
You answer the door before people knock.
- Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
- You ski uphill.
- You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
- You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
- You lick your coffeepot clean.
- You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
- Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
- You chew on other people's fingernails.
- Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."
- You can type sixty words per minute ... with your feet.
- You can jump-start your car without cables.
- Cocaine is a downer.
- You don't need a hammer to pound nails.
- Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
- You don't sweat, you percolate.
- You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel.
- You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
- You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
- You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
- You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
- Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
- You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
- People get dizzy just watching you.
- You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
- The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
- Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
- Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
- Instant coffee takes too long.
- When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
- You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
- Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
- You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
- You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
- You can thread a sewing machine, while it's running.
- You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
- You short out motion detectors.
- You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
- Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
- You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
- You don't tan, you roast.
- You can't even remember your second cup.
- You help your dog chase its tail.

[VulcanRider]

Ok, I'll guess Signs You Drink Too Much Coffee

[Felix The Assassin]

WHY MEN SHOULDN'T WRITE ADVICE COLUMNS...


Dear Walter,
>
> I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work
leaving
> my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven
more
> than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car
> shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.
> When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom
with
> the neighbors 'daughter. I'm 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbors'
> daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years.
>
> When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been
> having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I'd
> leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he
> has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him
very
> much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become
> increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I
can't
> get through to him anymore.
>
> Can you please help?
>
> Sincerely,
> Hazel
>
> ************************************************** ****************
>
> Dear Hazel:
>
> A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
> variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no
> debris in the fuel line. If it's clear, check the vacuum pipes and
> hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If
> none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel
> pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
>
> I hope this helps,
>
> WALTER

[Arvon]

Originally Posted by VulcanRider Ok, I'll guess Signs You Drink Too Much Coffee

You're right, my bad!

[VulcanRider]

The Center for Disease Control (CDC) in Atlanta has issued the following warning:

The CDC has recently learned that all computer screens on the inside are covered with bacteria, dust, germs, etc. that can be dangerous to your health.

This is caused by a variety of reasons and it can prove to be a health hazard for everyone that uses the computer. We have determined that the problem can be as dangerous as cigarette smoking because of the quantity of time that most of us are now spending on computers for work and personal reasons.

It is recommended that all individuals with access to a computer should access the link below. This link is to a special program that will clean and alleviate this potentially dangerous health problem.

Click on this link to clean the inside of your screen, or copy and paste to get to the utility:

Monitor cleansing utility

[Arvon]

Two Americans decide to open a bungee-jumping business in Mexico.
They set up on the square of a small village. Bob jumps, bounces at the end of the cord, and flies back up by the platform. Jeff isn't able to catch his friend, but he notices he has a few cuts and scratches.

Bob falls again, bounces, and comes back up. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, Jeff misses him. The third time it happens, Bob comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Jeff finally catches him and says, "Holy cow, what happened? Was the cord too long?"

Bob looks confused and says, "No, the cord was fine... but what the heck is a pinata?"

[VulcanRider]

Originally Posted by Felix The Assassin WHY MEN SHOULDN'T WRITE ADVICE COLUMNS... Dear Walter, > > I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving > my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more > than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car > shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. > When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with > the neighbors 'daughter. I'm 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbors' > daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years. > > When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been > having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I'd > leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he > has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very > much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become > increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't > get through to him anymore. > > Can you please help? > > Sincerely, > Hazel > > ************************************************** **************** > > Dear Hazel: > > A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a > variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no > debris in the fuel line. If it's clear, check the vacuum pipes and > hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If > none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel > pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors. > > I hope this helps, > > WALTER

Took me a second, but I agree that was pretty lousy advice. She's probably just out of gas...

[Bungleau]

Well, my monitor's clean now...

Originally Posted by VulcanRider The Center for Disease Control (CDC) in Atlanta has issued the following warning: The CDC has recently learned that all computer screens on the inside are covered with bacteria, dust, germs, etc. that can be dangerous to your health. This is caused by a variety of reasons and it can prove to be a health hazard for everyone that uses the computer. We have determined that the problem can be as dangerous as cigarette smoking because of the quantity of time that most of us are now spending on computers for work and personal reasons. It is recommended that all individuals with access to a computer should access the link below. This link is to a special program that will clean and alleviate this potentially dangerous health problem. Click on this link to clean the inside of your screen, or copy and paste to get to the utility: Monitor cleansing utility