New Rules

VulcanRider · 11-03-2005, 01:18 PM

Feel free to add your own:

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it were a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the a$$hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge a$$hole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. Paper, plastic? I don't have time for that. I've just been called to do a cleanup on Aisle Nine!

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins.
ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white collar version of looting.

New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months.
"27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't care in the first place

Ilander · 11-03-2005, 01:39 PM

Reminds me of Carlos Mencia...god, that guy's freakin' hilarious.

Timber Loftis · 11-03-2005, 02:27 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Ilander:
Reminds me of Carlos Mencia...god, that guy's freakin' hilarious.

Yes, he is.

Lucern · 11-03-2005, 03:04 PM

I read it with Lewis Black's voice, personally.

Spirits Reborn · 11-03-2005, 03:32 PM

You guys are freaky. other people's voice?

i read it with my own voice [img]tongue.gif[/img]

but yea, that stuff was hilarious!

RoSs_bg2_rox · 11-03-2005, 04:11 PM

They were great! Well personally I read it with my minds voice. [img]tongue.gif[/img]

Lucern · 11-03-2005, 04:34 PM

Yeah, but I'm stuck with that voice all the time. I guess my mind is something of an impressionist

Ladyzekke · 11-04-2005, 05:21 PM

Funny Stuff!

Oh but your second rule is a bit flawed, that finger found in a bowl of Wendy's chili was purposely put in there by the woman in an attempt to get money. God knows where she got it!

Zebodog · 11-04-2005, 05:53 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by ladyzekke:
Funny Stuff!

Oh but your second rule is a bit flawed, that finger found in a bowl of Wendy's chili was purposely put in there by the woman in an attempt to get money. God knows where she got it!

I wouldn't call chili finger food. It's too messy to eat without a fork or a spoon.

Ladyzekke · 11-04-2005, 06:09 PM

Oh gawd

[img]graemlins/hehe.gif[/img]

11-03-2005, 01:18 PM	#1
VulcanRider Lord Soth Join Date: July 25, 2002 Location: Melbourne FL Age: 61 Posts: 1,971	Feel free to add your own: New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn. New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it were a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive. New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards. New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men. New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done. New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water. New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis. New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the a$$hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge a$$hole. New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. Paper, plastic? I don't have time for that. I've just been called to do a cleanup on Aisle Nine! New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high. New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show." New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two. New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie. New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white collar version of looting. New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands. New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't care in the first place __________________ ----- Help feed animals in shelters with just a mouse click at The Animal Rescue Site !!

11-03-2005, 01:39 PM	#2
Ilander 20th Level Warrior Join Date: December 28, 2003 Location: Kentucky Age: 39 Posts: 2,820	Reminds me of Carlos Mencia...god, that guy's freakin' hilarious. __________________ Is that what you really want to say?

11-03-2005, 03:32 PM	#5
Spirits Reborn Anubis Join Date: February 21, 2005 Location: .... Age: 36 Posts: 2,473	You guys are freaky. other people's voice? i read it with my own voice [img]tongue.gif[/img] but yea, that stuff was hilarious! __________________ Spirit's 3d Dump, Check it out!

11-03-2005, 04:11 PM	#6
RoSs_bg2_rox Zartan Join Date: May 20, 2003 Location: Near Aberdeen, Scotland Age: 36 Posts: 5,225	They were great! Well personally I read it with my minds voice. [img]tongue.gif[/img] __________________ [img]\"http://img.ranchoweb.com/images/ladyzekke/dragonwater2.gif\" alt=\" - \" />

11-04-2005, 05:21 PM	#8
Ladyzekke Ironworks Atomic Moderator Join Date: January 7, 2001 Location: Virginia, U.S.A. Age: 58 Posts: 9,005	Funny Stuff! Oh but your second rule is a bit flawed, that finger found in a bowl of Wendy's chili was purposely put in there by the woman in an attempt to get money. God knows where she got it! __________________ Reality Show Recaps

11-03-2005, 03:04 PM	#4
Lucern Quintesson Join Date: August 28, 2004 Location: the middle of Michigan Age: 43 Posts: 1,011	I read it with Lewis Black's voice, personally.

11-03-2005, 04:34 PM	#7
Lucern Quintesson Join Date: August 28, 2004 Location: the middle of Michigan Age: 43 Posts: 1,011	Yeah, but I'm stuck with that voice all the time. I guess my mind is something of an impressionist

11-04-2005, 06:09 PM	#10
Ladyzekke Ironworks Atomic Moderator Join Date: January 7, 2001 Location: Virginia, U.S.A. Age: 58 Posts: 9,005	Oh gawd [img]graemlins/hehe.gif[/img] __________________ Reality Show Recaps

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