Microsoft Jokes

[Dreamer128]

Microsoft Lightbulb Jokes
Q: How many Bill Gateses does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. He puts the bulb in and lets the world revolve around him.
Q: How many Microsoft executives does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We can see no need for uninstallation and have therefore made no provision for light bulbs to be removed.

Q: How many Microsoft support staff does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to ask "What is the registration number of the light bulb?", one to ask "Have you tried rebooting it?", another to ask "Have you tried reinstalling it?" and the last one to say "It must be your hardware because the light bulb in our office works fine..."

Q: How many Microsoft tech support people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We have an exact copy of the light bulb here and it seems to be working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? Okay. Now exactly how dark is it? Okay, there could be four or five things wrong ... have you tried the light switch?

Q: How many Microsoft technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. Two to hold the ladder and one to hammer the bulb into a faucet.

Q: How many Microsoft vice presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Eight. One to work the bulb and seven to make sure that Microsoft gets $2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.

Q: How many Microsoft testers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We just determine that the room is dark; we don't actually change the bulb. Since we have a dead-bulb result on file from a previous test, rest assured that Development is working on a bug fix.

Q: How many Microsoft shipping department personnel does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We can change the bulb in seven to ten working days. If you call before 2pm and pay an extra $15, we can get the bulb changed overnight. Don't forget to put your name in the upper right-hand corner of the light bulb box.

Q: How many Microsoft managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out, and to determine what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.

Q: How many Windows users does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. But they'll swear up and down that it was JUST as easy as it would be for a Mac user.

Q: How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness(TM) as the new industry standard.

Q: How many Microsoft programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 57; one to write WinGetLightBulbHandle(), one to write WinQueryLightBulbStatus(), one to write.....

Q: How many Apple Newton users does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Foux! There to eat lemons, axe gravy soup.


Microsoft VS Neverwinter Nights
Compile this!
#include
#include
#include /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
#include /* For the court of law */
#define say(x) lie(x)
#define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
#define next_year soon
#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version

void main()
{
if (latest_window_version>one_month_old)
{
if (there_are_still_bugs)
market(bugfix);
if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);
}
while(everyone_chats_about_new_version)
{
make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in
lie.h */
if (rumours_grow_wilder)
make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);

if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
{
market_time=ripe;
say("It will be ready in one month);
order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version);
order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);
vapourware=TRUE;
break;
}
}
switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)
{
case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
say("It will be ready in", today+30_days," we're just testing");
break;
case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:
say("Yes it will work");
ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);
pretend(there_is_no_problem);
break;
case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
say("It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to"
" the2 bits architecture");
inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh");
inform(SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plant"
"'cos all those customers will need at least2 megs");
inform(QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple");
get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);
break;
case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:
say("Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for
everyone");
register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);
when(time_is_ripe)
{
arrest(journalist);
brainwash(journalist);
when(journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree)
{
order(journalist, "write a nice objective article");
release (journalist);
}
}
break;
}
while (vapourware)
{
introduction_date++; /* Delay */
if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
break;
say("It will be ready in",today+ONE_MONTH);
}
release(beta_version)
while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)
{
bills_bank_account += 150*megabucks;
release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);
introduce(more_memory_requirements);
if (customers_report_installation_problems)
{
say("that is a hardware problem, not a software problem");
if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_pla y)
{
ignore(customer);
order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, "Keep an eye on this
bastard");
}
}
if (there_is_another_company)
{
steal(their_ideas);
accuse(compagny, stealing_our_ideas);
hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */
wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_law suit);
buy_out(other_company);
}
}
/* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry at
us */
order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_bastard);
buy(nice_little_island); hire(harem);
laugh_at(everyone,
for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_anothe r_unfinished_version);
}

void bugfix(void)
{
charge (a_lot_of_money);
if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)
say("It is not a bugfix but a new version");
if (still_complaints)
{
ignore(customer);
register(customer, Big_Bill_Book);
/* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware!!*/
}
}

[Dreamer128]

Some of the pop-ups you may encounter.





And it would appear Microsoft is working on its own hardware.




[Source:thehumorarchives.com]

[ 11-15-2003, 09:14 AM: Message edited by: Dreamer128 ]

[Bozos of Bones]

Next time use Print Screen instead of copy-paste or linking, you won't get results like this.

[Grojlach]

Originally posted by Bozos of Bones: Next time use Print Screen instead of copy-paste or linking, you won't get results like this.

Yes, never leech directly from a site, they won't exactly thank you for it.
Just be grateful you weren't leeching from Something Awful, else we would have had something much worse than just a "these images were stolen" disclaimer, something both not suitable for minors and adults.

[Faceman]

How many Microsoft technicians do you need to change a lightbulb?
Three - One to change it, one to modify the socket so that Linux bulbs won't fit and one to rig the fuse so a Macintosh light bulb will cause a nuclear explosion.

[wellard]

Originally posted by Faceman: How many Microsoft technicians do you need to change a lightbulb? Three - One to change it, one to modify the socket so that Linux bulbs won't fit and one to rig the fuse so a Macintosh light bulb will cause a nuclear explosion.

LOL but like all good joke it has a grain of truth in it!

[Zuvio]

Heh, nice jokes dreamer, although I didn't really got the ones about image stolen?! [img]graemlins/saywhat.gif[/img]

[Dreamer128]

Originally posted by Grojlach: quote: Originally posted by Bozos of Bones: Next time use Print Screen instead of copy-paste or linking, you won't get results like this.

Yes, never leech directly from a site, they won't exactly thank you for it.
Just be grateful you weren't leeching from Something Awful, else we would have had something much worse than just a "these images were stolen" disclaimer, something both not suitable for minors and adults. [/QUOTE]ROFL. Yeah, I remember the last time someone tried to link from Something Aweful. About these images.. I'll post the source.

[Bozos of Bones]

A mechanic, an electrician and Bill Gates are driving around in a car. The car stops for no reason. The mechanic says "Pop the hood, I'll check out the engine." And he goes out, opens the hood and examines the engine in detail. "Nothing" he says. The electrician says "I'll check out the wiring, maybe it's dead." So he goes out, examines the battery, the wiring around the engine and the controls and says "No problem here. I don't know what's wrong with it." And then Bill Gates gets an idea "Let's close all the windows, get out of the car and then get in again!"