Redneck Etiquette

Arvon · 08-23-2003, 12:29 PM

Redneck Etiquette

Just when you think you've heard it all...

GENERAL

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed it's time to change sheets.

5. Even if you're CERTAIN that you are included in the will ... it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral.

DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centerpiece for the table should NEVER be prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do NOT allow the dog to eat at the table . . . no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of money.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as it tends to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY)

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wantin' to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago...."

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up as soon as the movie has ended.

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they cannot hear you.

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cumberbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires ALWAYS has the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

5. Do NOT lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Nerull · 08-23-2003, 09:58 PM

LOL

I moved to Texas from New Jersey, and I can definitely relate to those (see them all the time, especially when I leave the city and head to the (many) open spaces around the state.

wellard · 08-23-2003, 10:26 PM

LOL Arvon

This is a good one [img]graemlins/heee.gif[/img]

Kezardin · 08-23-2003, 11:08 PM

Nice one Arvon [img]graemlins/biglaugh.gif[/img]

Rednecks beware....

http://cartoons-etc.com/allrednk.htm

[ 08-23-2003, 11:10 PM: Message edited by: Kezardin ]

08-23-2003, 12:29 PM	#1
Arvon Unicorn Join Date: October 4, 2001 Location: Kingdom of the West,..P.o. Cynagus Posts: 4,212	Redneck Etiquette Just when you think you've heard it all... GENERAL 1. Never take a beer to a job interview. 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. 3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church. 4. If you have to vacuum the bed it's time to change sheets. 5. Even if you're CERTAIN that you are included in the will ... it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral. DINING OUT 1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine. 2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label. ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME 1. A centerpiece for the table should NEVER be prepared by a taxidermist. 2. Do NOT allow the dog to eat at the table . . . no matter how good his manners are. PERSONAL HYGIENE 1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys. 2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of money. 3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as it tends to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods. DATING (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY) 1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date. 2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wantin' to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago...." 3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time. THEATER ETIQUETTE 1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up as soon as the movie has ended. 2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they cannot hear you. WEDDINGS 1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift. 2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may get you shot. 3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cumberbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance. 4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion. DRIVING ETIQUETTE 1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight. 2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires ALWAYS has the right of way. 3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape. 4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too. 5. Do NOT lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession. __________________ 53.7% of all statistics are made up

08-23-2003, 09:58 PM	#2
Nerull Lord Ao Join Date: May 17, 2001 Location: San Antonio, Texas, USA Age: 54 Posts: 2,069	LOL I moved to Texas from New Jersey, and I can definitely relate to those (see them all the time, especially when I leave the city and head to the (many) open spaces around the state. __________________ [img]\"ubb/noncgi/smiles/new/ghoul.gif\" alt=\" - \" /><br /><br />\"The middle class pays all of the taxes, does all of the work.<br />The lower class exists just to scare the middle class.\"<br />-George Carlin

08-23-2003, 10:26 PM	#3
wellard Dracolisk Join Date: November 1, 2002 Location: Australia ..... G\'day! Posts: 6,123	LOL Arvon This is a good one [img]graemlins/heee.gif[/img] __________________ fossils - natures way of laughing at creationists for over 3 billion years

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08-23-2003, 11:08 PM	#4
Kezardin Elminster Join Date: June 20, 2001 Location: Sydney Age: 68 Posts: 486	Nice one Arvon [img]graemlins/biglaugh.gif[/img] Rednecks beware.... http://cartoons-etc.com/allrednk.htm [ 08-23-2003, 11:10 PM: Message edited by: Kezardin ]

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