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#1 |
Jack Burton
![]() Join Date: October 16, 2001
Location: PA
Age: 44
Posts: 5,421
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Everybody needs a good pun once in a while!
Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The flight attendant looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger." Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw." Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal." These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ....what? A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
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"Any attempt to cheat, especially with my wife, who is a dirty, dirty, tramp, and I am just gonna snap." Knibb High Principal - Billy Madison |
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#2 |
Galvatron
![]() Join Date: January 22, 2002
Location: california wine country
Age: 61
Posts: 2,193
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Proving once again that the only good pun is a bad pun!
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“This is an impressive crowd, the haves and the have mores. <br />Some people call you the elite. <br />I call you my base.”<br />~ George W. Bush (2000) |
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#3 |
Zhentarim Guard
![]() Join Date: November 11, 2002
Location: North Carolina
Age: 66
Posts: 351
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I've heard the florist friars one and the juan and amal one, but I hadn't heard the rest of them.
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#4 |
Fzoul Chembryl
![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() Join Date: August 30, 2001
Location: somewhere
Age: 55
Posts: 1,785
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[img]graemlins/alarm.gif[/img] CAUTION [img]graemlins/alarm.gif[/img]
REALLY BAD ONE AHEAD! . . . . . A frog walks into a bank for a secured loan so he can buy a lily pad. A woman named Patricia Whac handles the request. She asks the frog what he would use for collateral. The frog produces a small pink ceramic elephant. She takes it back to the manager and explains the circumstances. The manager looks at the frog and immediately recognizes him as the progeny of a personal pet belonging to Mick Jagger! Patricia once again shows the manager the ceramic elephant with a confused look. The manager turns and says, "It's a knick knack, Patti Whac. Give the frog a loan. His old mans a Rolling Stone!" The last time I told that one, I got [img]graemlins/whackya.gif[/img] [ 02-07-2003, 12:16 PM: Message edited by: Sir Kenyth ]
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Master Barbsman and wielder of the razor wit!<br /><br />There are dark angels among us. They present themselves in shining raiment but there is, in their hearts, the blackness of the abyss. |
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#5 | |
Lord Soth
![]() Join Date: July 25, 2002
Location: Melbourne FL
Age: 61
Posts: 1,971
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Quote:
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#6 |
40th Level Warrior
![]() Join Date: October 29, 2001
Location: Western Wilds of Michigan
Posts: 11,752
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This ironworker heard about a contest for puns with a nice prize. He submitted ten different punny entries, each worse than the last (or better, depending on your perspective. He then sat and waited, anticipating the glories and riches that would be his.
Finally, he called to see if he had won. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
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*B* Save Early, Save Often Save Before, Save After Two-Star General, Spelling Soldiers -+-+-+ Give 'em a hug one more time. It might be the last. |
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#7 | |
Galvatron
![]() Join Date: January 22, 2002
Location: california wine country
Age: 61
Posts: 2,193
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Quote:
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__________________
“This is an impressive crowd, the haves and the have mores. <br />Some people call you the elite. <br />I call you my base.”<br />~ George W. Bush (2000) |
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#8 |
40th Level Warrior
![]() Join Date: October 29, 2001
Location: Western Wilds of Michigan
Posts: 11,752
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Say that last line out loud... slowly... ten times. You should get it by then.
If not, ask again for the fingerpointing explanation.
__________________
*B* Save Early, Save Often Save Before, Save After Two-Star General, Spelling Soldiers -+-+-+ Give 'em a hug one more time. It might be the last. |
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#9 | |
Apophis
![]() Join Date: July 10, 2001
Location: By a big blue lake, Canada
Age: 51
Posts: 4,628
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Quote:
Not you too Kaltia! Mu head ache keeps getting worse by the minute. LOL! [img]graemlins/outtahere.gif[/img] [ 02-07-2003, 04:59 PM: Message edited by: WillowIX ]
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Confuzzled by nature. |
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#10 | |
Galvatron
![]() Join Date: January 22, 2002
Location: california wine country
Age: 61
Posts: 2,193
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Quote:
__________________
“This is an impressive crowd, the haves and the have mores. <br />Some people call you the elite. <br />I call you my base.”<br />~ George W. Bush (2000) |
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