Getting Ready For The New Cat

[Arvon]

How to Prepare for a New Cat

Take cold chicken and stars soup straight from the can and splash it across the carpet and the foot of the bed and then walk in it in the dark with your socks on.

Set up a mouse trap at the foot of the bed each night so that if you move a toe one inch while you are sleeping, you are sure to get snapped.

Cover all your best suits with cat hair. Dark suits must use white hair, and light suits must use dark hair. Also, float some hair in your first cup of coffee in the morning.

Put everything cat-toy sized into a water bowl to marinate.

Practice cutting your chicken into teeny tiny bites so that when they steal, it won't be the whole breast.

Tip over a basket of clean laundry, and scatter clothing all over the floor.

Leave your underwear on the living room floor, because that's where the cat will drag it anyway (especially when you have company).

Jump out of your chair shortly before the end of your favorite TV program and run to the TV shouting "No! No! Don't chew on the electric cord!" Miss the end of the program.

Put chocolate pudding on the carpet in the corner of the living room in the morning and don't try to clean it up until you return from work that evening.

Gouge the surface of the dining room table several times with an exacto knife. It's going to get scratched anyway.

Practice searching every closet and open cabinet door before you shut it.

Knock all small items off your kitchen counter.

Chew the eraser off every pencil in the house.

Take a fork and shred the roll of toilet paper while it's still hanging up. Pull a few sheets off and scatter them around the bathroom.

Take a staple remover and punch two holes in every scrap of paper around the house.

Get a litter tray without a lid and mix in some tootsie rolls with cat litter and then tip it over right before the company comes. Make sure your guests get to find this before you do.

Buy a mixed bag of cat toys and stuff them under the refrigerator. Practice getting up at 2:00AM and fishing them out with a ruler or broom stick.

Take a warm cuddly blanket out of the dryer and immediately wrap it around yourself. This is the feeling you will get when your new cat falls asleep on your lap.

There now, once you've done all these, you've passed the test, and are ready to take on that little furry critter!

[Ar-Cunin]

Or you could just buy a dog [img]smile.gif[/img]

[Pangur Ban]

You forgot the following ... [img]graemlins/cat3.gif[/img]

Use an orbital sander on your furniture to simulate the "I'll ignore the $100 scratching post and use your $2000 furniture instead" look

Get rid of your carpet, and replace it with carpet the same colour as cat vomit - saves time later.

Wear protective clothing to bed - in preparation for when kitty under the covers decides that part of your body is an interesting new cat toy, and sinks her claws in it.

Get rid of all your pot plants - they won't last more than a week or two after puss either: eats them, shreds them to bits, knocks them over, or deposits a "stinkpod" in the soil.

Practice falling down while carrying parcels - puss is sure to enjoy tripping you up.

[GokuZool]

Heh Arvon you fooled me. I thought this was a serious topic

I love cats, even though I don't have one
I love dogs, even though I don't have one

Oh well, there's this cat which is always in my garden. I could adopt her as my own

[Borvik]

I love piranhas too, but I surely wouldn't like to have any in my bathtub!

[ 12-30-2002, 06:32 AM: Message edited by: Borvik ]

[Callum Kerr]

So THAT's why you have those purple veins on your head and no hair...

[Borvik]

How nice of you to mention it! But only a few posts and I'll be cured

[realbinky]

I only have one thing to do for a new cat. Get out the gun and clean it up. Sorry, absolutely NOT a cat person, other than Choc. I am a dog person, though. Maybe Choc is just a cat-shaped-dog? That would help me a bit [img]smile.gif[/img]