Derangements not for the faint of Heart

[John D Harris]

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."
St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.
He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartement when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"
St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.
"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.
"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

***********
The Pope had just finished a tour of the Florida East Coast and was
taking a
limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the
chauffeur if he could drive for a while. Well, the chauffeur didn't have
much of a choice, so he got in the back of the limo and the Pope took
the
wheel. He turned onto I-95 and accelerated to about 90 MPH. WHAM! The
blue
lights of the State Highway Patrol flashed in his rearview mirror. He
pulled
over and a trooper came to his window.
When the trooper saw who it was, he said,
"Just a moment, please, I need to call in."
The trooper radioed in and asked for the chief. He said,
"I have a REALLY important person pulled over and I need to know what to
do."

The chief replied, "Who is it, not Ted Kennedy again?"
The trooper said, "No, even more important."

It isn't the Governor Jeb Bush is it?" asked the chief.
"No, even more important," replied the trooper.

"It isn't the President George Bush, is it?"
"No, replied the trooper, "even more important."

"Well, WHO the HECK is it?!" screamed the chief.
The trooper responded, "I don't know for sure but I think it might be
Jesus,
because his chauffeur is the Pope!

***********
JUST CHECKING ON THE PATIENT

A little Jewish woman, called Mt. Sinai Hospital, when the switchboard
operator/receptionist answered, the little lady said, "Hello darling, I'd
like to talk with the person who gives the information regarding your
patients. I would like to know if the patient is getting better, or doing
as
expected, or getting worse."

The receptionist at the other end of the line said, "What is the patient's
name
and room number?" "I will be happy to check on the patient for you and see
if
there is anything written that I can share with you."

The little lady sounded encouraged and said, "Oh, thank you darling, she's
Sarah Finkel, in room 302 and bed 1 ."

The receptionist said, "Oh yes, here is the update, Mrs. Finkel is doing
very
well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her bowels have moved, her blood
pressure is fine, her lab studies just came back as normal, she's going to
be
taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours, and if she continues this

improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday around noon."

The little lady said, "Thank God! That's wonderful news! Oh, that's
fantastic,
darling! That's wonderful news!" "Thank you so much for reading it to me."
The receptionist said, "Madame, from your enthusiasm, I take it you must
be
a close family member or a close friend of Mrs. Finkel!"

The little lady snapped back, "I'm Sarah Finkel in 302, Bed 1!
Doctor Cohen tells me zilch", "I just needed to know if I going to live to
see another day or drop dead!"

**********
THE WISDOM OF WILL ROGERS

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman... neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men. The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

12. AND FINALLY After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him...

The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

*************
Buffalo Theory
I have not seen anyone explain this as well as Cliff Clavin, on Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this..... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And, when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the genera speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular
killing of the weakest members."
"In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as
the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills
brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain
cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the
weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient
machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

*************
Memo From Santa

Priority: normal

From: Santa Claus

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer
serve the States of Georgia, Florida, Virginia, North and South
Carolina, Tennessee, Mississippi, Texas, Louisiana and Arkansas on
Christmas Eve.

Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract
was
renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of
the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and
cookies
so keep that in mind. However, I'm certain that your children will be
in
good hands with your local replacement, who happens
to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the
South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys
and
girls; however, there are a few differences between us.

These include:
1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba
Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that
reads:"These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children
leave
an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace.. And Bubba
doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an

empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs
instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my
reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's
fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen.." when
Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti,
on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are
likely
to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have
a
Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off."
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street"
and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated
viewing
area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and
the
Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state

patrol cars crashing into each other.
8. And Finally, Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd
make
sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over
toput presents under the tree.

Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus
******
I just received this information from a reliable source. There is a new
computer virus called the Senile Virus. Even the most advanced virus
protector programs cannot get rid of it. It appears to affect those of
us who were born before 1958!

Symptoms of Senile Virus:

1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send blank e-mail.
3. Causes you to send to the wrong person.
4. Causes you to send back to person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished the

[Sever]

lol, just the kick to the christmas spirit i was lookin' for.

[DragonMage]

ROTFLMAO!!!

I just luuuuurrvve the Bubba Claus one. Well, I found them all hilarious, but that one hit home for some reason. *checks location* Yep! That'd be why! [img]tongue.gif[/img]

[Arvon]

Very Good!!!! I'm gonna steal them and send them on...

[Attalus]

FDL, I like the Bubba Claus one, too. Now I know where Arvon gets his material.

[Harkoliar]

i liked the 1rst one... that was good.. made me laugh!

[Arvon]

Originally posted by Attalus: FDL, I like the Bubba Claus one, too. Now I know where Arvon gets his material.

Quiet honestly I get most of the 'Humor' for the web. But often I'll find something in books or articles that is funny. And finally I get a lot of strange e-mail...

[Lavindathar]

Nah, the Bubba Claus one wasnt brilliant. The 1st, 2nd and 3rd were the best!