Derangment has it's rewards (jokes)

John D Harris · 11-18-2002, 07:32 PM

There are three nuns and a Mother Superior. The Mother Superior tells the three nuns that before they can receive their Saint name they had one final test. She told them to go commit one sin so that they would not have urges to be bad.

After the three nuns return, the Mother Superior says, "Did you commit your sins?" They all shake their heads yes. The first two nuns are crying, the third is giggling.

The Mother Superior says to the first one, "What sin did you commit child?"

The first nun answers with tears in her eyes. "I was just rotten, I picked flowers from someone's garden." The Mother Superior says, "Go drink the Holy Water and it will be alright."

The third nun is dancing around in laughter.

The Mother Superior asks the second one. Her whole body is shaking and she is crying. "I stole candy from a baby." The Mother Superior says, "My child, drink the Holy Water and you are forgiven.

The third nun falls on the floor hysterically laughing. The Mother Superior is disgusted and asks, "What are you laughing at?" The third nun is barely able to answer through her tears of laughter, "I peed in the Holy Water."

***********

Taking Off

Passengers were waiting for the flight to leave. They were getting a little impatient, but the airport staff had assured them that the pilots would be there soon, and the flight could take off immediately after that. The entrance opened, and two men walked up the aisle dressed in pilot uniforms - both wearing dark glasses.
One was using a seeing-eye dog, and the other was tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spread through the cabin as the men entered the cockpit. The door closed and the engines started up. The passengers began to glance nervously around, searching for some sign that this was just a little practical joke.
None was forthcoming. The plane moved faster and faster down the runway, and the people at the windows realized that they were headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it began to look as though the plane would never take off and that it would plow into the water, panicked screams began to fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifted smoothly into the air. The passengers relaxed and laughed a little sheepishly, and soon they had all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane was in good hands.
Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turned to the pilot and said, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late, and we're all gonna die."
******************
An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were
hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada.
Suddenly, the temperature dropped and a furious
snowstorm was upon them. They came across an isolated cabin, far removed from any town. The hunters had heard that the locals in the area were quite hospitable, so they knocked on the door to ask permission to rest.

No one answered their knocks, but they discovered the cabin was unlocked and they entered. It was a simple place ... 2 rooms with a minimum of furniture and household equipment. Nothing was unusual about the cabin except the stove. It was large, pot-bellied, and made of cast-iron. What was strange about it was its location ... it was suspended in midair by wires
attached to the ceiling beams.

"Fascinating," said the psychologist. "It is obvious
that this lonely trapper, isolated from humanity, has
elevated this stove so that he can curl up under it and
vicariously experience a return to the womb."

"Nonsense!" replied the engineer. "The man is
practicing the laws of thermodynamics. By elevating
his stove, he has discovered a way to distribute heat
more evenly throughout the cabin."

"With all due respect," interrupted the theologian,
"I'm sure that hanging his stove from the ceiling has
religious meaning. Fire LIFTED UP has been a religious symbol for centuries."

The three debated the point for several hours without
resolving the issue. When the trapper finally
returned, they immediately asked him why he had hung
his heavy pot-bellied stove from the ceiling.

His answer was succinct. "Had plenty of wire, not much stove pipe."
**************
Long Life

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and
exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A
little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you
think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer?"
"Oh no", I replied, "I've never done either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and bar-b-qued ribs?
I said, "No, I've heard that all "red meat" is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?" he asked.
"No I don't," I said.
He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or fool around with sexywomen?"
"No," I said, "I've never done any of those things."
He look at me and said, "Then why in hell do you want to live to be 80 ??"
*******************
A rich young lady from California, who was a tree

hugger and a vociferous anti-hunter, purchased a piece

of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one

of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good

view of her land so she started to climb the big tree.

As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl

that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the lady

slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in

her private parts.

In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest

country doctor. Being a hunter himself, the doctor

listened to her story with great patience and then

told her to go into the examining room and he would see if

he could help her.

She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor

reappeared. The angry lady demanded, "What took you so

long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get

permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest

Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I

could remove old-growth timber from a recreational

area and I'm sorry, they all turned me down.

WillowIX · 11-18-2002, 07:42 PM

ROTFL! Loved the 1st one! Great jokes John!! Give us more! Please! I still got some ribs that haven´t snapped fromthe laughin yet [img]graemlins/biglaugh.gif[/img] [img]graemlins/biglaugh.gif[/img]

[ 11-18-2002, 07:42 PM: Message edited by: WillowIX ]

SomeGuy · 11-18-2002, 07:50 PM

LOL I've heard the a different version of the first one.Here's one,
Bob and Jim were walking down the sidewalk and they see something on the ground. "What's that?" asked Bob. "Hmm,looks like dog crap to me." said Jim. "FEEL" said Bob. "WHAT?!" yelled Jim. "Feel it." "Okay" Jim poked it. "What's it feel like?" asked Bob. "Feels like dog crap." "SMELL!" said Bob.
"Huh?" "Smell it Jim!"said Bob. "Kay." said Jim. Jim leaned over and sniffed it. "What's it smell like?" Asked Bob. "Dog crap" "TAAAAAASTE!" Said Bob. "WHAT?!?! You want me to taste it?!" "Taste it man!" "Okay Bob" Jim picked it up and licked it. "What's it taste like?" Aske Bob. "Dog crap." replyed Jim. "Hmm...Good thing we did'nt step in it." said Bob.

[img]tongue.gif[/img]

Xtrea · 11-18-2002, 08:21 PM

Thats so funny My favorite was the first one Im peeing in the HOLY WATER.

Downunda · 11-18-2002, 08:46 PM

Done it again John D. [img]graemlins/thumbsup.gif[/img] Keep 'em coming

Nanobyte · 11-18-2002, 08:59 PM

There sure is nothing holy about you, John [img]graemlins/laugh3.gif[/img]

Harkoliar · 11-18-2002, 09:37 PM

how about this?

Two Nuns

There were two nuns...
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),
and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight
and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most?
What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to
walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way.
He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both,so he
followed me.

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and
he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?

A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Marys!

11-18-2002, 07:32 PM	#1
John D Harris Ninja Storm Shadow Join Date: March 27, 2001 Location: Northport,Alabama, USA Age: 63 Posts: 3,577	There are three nuns and a Mother Superior. The Mother Superior tells the three nuns that before they can receive their Saint name they had one final test. She told them to go commit one sin so that they would not have urges to be bad. After the three nuns return, the Mother Superior says, "Did you commit your sins?" They all shake their heads yes. The first two nuns are crying, the third is giggling. The Mother Superior says to the first one, "What sin did you commit child?" The first nun answers with tears in her eyes. "I was just rotten, I picked flowers from someone's garden." The Mother Superior says, "Go drink the Holy Water and it will be alright." The third nun is dancing around in laughter. The Mother Superior asks the second one. Her whole body is shaking and she is crying. "I stole candy from a baby." The Mother Superior says, "My child, drink the Holy Water and you are forgiven. The third nun falls on the floor hysterically laughing. The Mother Superior is disgusted and asks, "What are you laughing at?" The third nun is barely able to answer through her tears of laughter, "I peed in the Holy Water." ********* Taking Off Passengers were waiting for the flight to leave. They were getting a little impatient, but the airport staff had assured them that the pilots would be there soon, and the flight could take off immediately after that. The entrance opened, and two men walked up the aisle dressed in pilot uniforms - both wearing dark glasses. One was using a seeing-eye dog, and the other was tapping his way up the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spread through the cabin as the men entered the cockpit. The door closed and the engines started up. The passengers began to glance nervously around, searching for some sign that this was just a little practical joke. None was forthcoming. The plane moved faster and faster down the runway, and the people at the windows realized that they were headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it began to look as though the plane would never take off and that it would plow into the water, panicked screams began to fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifted smoothly into the air. The passengers relaxed and laughed a little sheepishly, and soon they had all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane was in good hands. Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turned to the pilot and said, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late, and we're all gonna die." ************** An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada. Suddenly, the temperature dropped and a furious snowstorm was upon them. They came across an isolated cabin, far removed from any town. The hunters had heard that the locals in the area were quite hospitable, so they knocked on the door to ask permission to rest. No one answered their knocks, but they discovered the cabin was unlocked and they entered. It was a simple place ... 2 rooms with a minimum of furniture and household equipment. Nothing was unusual about the cabin except the stove. It was large, pot-bellied, and made of cast-iron. What was strange about it was its location ... it was suspended in midair by wires attached to the ceiling beams. "Fascinating," said the psychologist. "It is obvious that this lonely trapper, isolated from humanity, has elevated this stove so that he can curl up under it and vicariously experience a return to the womb." "Nonsense!" replied the engineer. "The man is practicing the laws of thermodynamics. By elevating his stove, he has discovered a way to distribute heat more evenly throughout the cabin." "With all due respect," interrupted the theologian, "I'm sure that hanging his stove from the ceiling has religious meaning. Fire LIFTED UP has been a religious symbol for centuries." The three debated the point for several hours without resolving the issue. When the trapper finally returned, they immediately asked him why he had hung his heavy pot-bellied stove from the ceiling. His answer was succinct. "Had plenty of wire, not much stove pipe." ********** Long Life I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?" He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer?" "Oh no", I replied, "I've never done either." Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and bar-b-qued ribs? I said, "No, I've heard that all "red meat" is very unhealthy!" "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?" he asked. "No I don't," I said. He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or fool around with sexywomen?" "No," I said, "I've never done any of those things." He look at me and said, "Then why in hell do you want to live to be 80 ??" ***************** A rich young lady from California, who was a tree hugger and a vociferous anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest country doctor. Being a hunter himself, the doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry lady demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area and I'm sorry, they all turned me down. __________________ Crustiest of the OLD COOTS "Donating mirrors for years to help the Liberal/Socialist find their collective rear-ends, because both hands doesn't seem to be working. Veitnam 61-65:KIA 1864 66:KIA 5008 67:KIA 9378 68:KIA 14594 69:KIA 9414 70:KIA 4221 71:KIA 1380 72:KIA 300 Afghanistan2001-2008 KIA 585 2009-2012 KIA 1465 and counting Davros 1 Much abliged Massachusetts

11-18-2002, 07:42 PM	#2
WillowIX Apophis Join Date: July 10, 2001 Location: By a big blue lake, Canada Age: 51 Posts: 4,628	ROTFL! Loved the 1st one! Great jokes John!! Give us more! Please! I still got some ribs that haven´t snapped fromthe laughin yet [img]graemlins/biglaugh.gif[/img] [img]graemlins/biglaugh.gif[/img] [ 11-18-2002, 07:42 PM: Message edited by: WillowIX ] __________________ Confuzzled by nature.

11-18-2002, 07:50 PM	#3
SomeGuy Unicorn Join Date: May 14, 2002 Location: Oklahoma, USA Age: 34 Posts: 4,238	LOL I've heard the a different version of the first one.Here's one, Bob and Jim were walking down the sidewalk and they see something on the ground. "What's that?" asked Bob. "Hmm,looks like dog crap to me." said Jim. "FEEL" said Bob. "WHAT?!" yelled Jim. "Feel it." "Okay" Jim poked it. "What's it feel like?" asked Bob. "Feels like dog crap." "SMELL!" said Bob. "Huh?" "Smell it Jim!"said Bob. "Kay." said Jim. Jim leaned over and sniffed it. "What's it smell like?" Asked Bob. "Dog crap" "TAAAAAASTE!" Said Bob. "WHAT?!?! You want me to taste it?!" "Taste it man!" "Okay Bob" Jim picked it up and licked it. "What's it taste like?" Aske Bob. "Dog crap." replyed Jim. "Hmm...Good thing we did'nt step in it." said Bob. [img]tongue.gif[/img] __________________ \"I firmly believe that any man\'s finest hour, the greatest fulfillment of all that he holds dear, is the moment when he has worked his heart out in a good cause and lies exhausted on the field of battle - victorious.\"<br />-Vince Lombardi

11-18-2002, 08:21 PM	#4
Xtrea The Magister Join Date: October 21, 2002 Location: Mukilteo Wa Age: 35 Posts: 107	Thats so funny My favorite was the first one Im peeing in the HOLY WATER. __________________ <br /> My Theme Song

11-18-2002, 08:46 PM	#5
Downunda Set - Egyptian God of Chaos Join Date: January 7, 2002 Location: Christchurch, New Zealand Age: 46 Posts: 2,975	Done it again John D. [img]graemlins/thumbsup.gif[/img] Keep 'em coming __________________ \"Doing stuff is overrated, like Hitler, he did lots of stuff, but doesn\'t everybody wish he\'d just stayed at home and smoked pot?!?\"

11-18-2002, 08:59 PM	#6
Nanobyte Thoth - Egyptian God of Wisdom Join Date: March 1, 2001 Location: NC Posts: 2,890	There sure is nothing holy about you, John [img]graemlins/laugh3.gif[/img]

11-18-2002, 09:37 PM	#7
Harkoliar Jack Burton Join Date: March 21, 2001 Location: Philippines, but now Harbor City Sydney Age: 42 Posts: 5,556	how about this? Two Nuns There were two nuns... One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent. SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants. SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us. SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most? What can we do? SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster. SM: It's not working. SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too. SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute. SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both. So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives. SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened! SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me. SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then? SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could. SM: And? SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me. SM: Oh, dear! What did you do? SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up. SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do? SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants. SM: Oh, no! What happened then? SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down. And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Marys! __________________ Catch me if you can..

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