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[John D Harris]

Mental Health Hotline

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline...... If you are
obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want,
so just stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the
mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you
which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press,
no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a
representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone
number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden
name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l- y &
c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 ! 0 0.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or
before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory
loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have
short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to
talk to you.

If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lay down & cry. You
won't be crazy forever."

Hickey doo hickey doo

An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck
on I-40 and says to
the driver, "Got any ID?"
The driver says, "'Bout what?"
******
Two Mississippians are walking toward each other,
and one is carrying a
sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray,
whatcha got in th' bag?"
"Jes' some chickens."
"If I guesses how many they is, kin I have one?"
"Shoot, if ya guesses
right, I'll give you both of 'em!" "OK.
Ummmmm...five?"
******
An Alabamian came home and found his house on fire.
He rushed next door,
telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry
over here-muh house
is on fahr!"
"OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"
"Shucks, don't you
fellers still have those big red trucks?"
******
Why do folks in Kentucky go to R-rated movies in
groups of 18 or more?
Because they heard 17 and under aren't admitted.
******
Ida Mae passed away and Bubba called 911. The
911-operator told Bubba
that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator. Bubba
replied, "At the end of
Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you
spell that for me?"
After a long pause, Bubba said, "How 'bout I drag
her over to Oak Street
and you pick her up there?"
******
Know why they raised the minimum drinking age in
Tennessee to 32? They
wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
******
What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in
Mississippi? Documentaries.
******
Where was the toothbrush invented? Arkansas. If it
were invented
anywhere else, it would have been called a
teethbrush.
******
Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Tennessee State
Lottery? The winner
gets $3 a year for a million years.
*******
A new law was recently passed in North Carolina so
that when a couple
gets divorced, they're still brother and sister.
******
What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas
and a hurricane in
Florida have in common?
No matter what, somebody's fixin' to lose a trailer.

******
How do you know when you're staying in a Kentucky
hotel? When you call
the front desk and say "I've got a leak in my sink,"
and the person at
the front desk says, "Go ahead."

FUNNY KIDS

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 4, 2, 28 and 44?" Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO, and the Cartoon Network!"

When I stopped the bus to pick up Chris for preschool, I noticed an older woman hugging him as he left the house. "Is that your grandmother?" I asked. "Yes, "Chris said. "She's come to visit us for Christmas." "How nice," I said. "Where does she live?" "At the airport," Chris replied. "Whenever we want her, we just go out there and get her."

I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"

When the mother returned from the grocery store, her small son pulled out the box of animal crackers he had begged for, then he spread the animal-shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter. "What are you doing?" his Mom asked. "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."

Her 7-year-old grandson surprised this little grandmother one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green army men in the cup. She said, "Honey, what are these army men doing in my coffee?" Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!'"

In the supermarket was a man pushing a cart that contained a screaming, bellowing baby. The gentleman kept repeating softly, "Don't get excited, Albert; don't scream, Albert; don't yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert." A woman standing next to him said, "You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son, Albert." The man looked at her and said, "Lady, I'm Albert."

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens." "How did you know that?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather. And unto the Soonnn.......and into the hole he gooooes."

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!"

TOUGH QUESTIONS FOR MEN

The five toughest questions that women ask men and their answers:

The questions are:
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to
explode into
a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth).
Therefore, as a public
service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive,
dear. I was just reflecting
on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are,
and how lucky I am
to have met you."
This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most
likely is one of the following:
a. Baseball.
b. Football.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who
once told Peg, "If I wanted you to
know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!")

Question # 2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in
order, "Yes, dear."

Inappropriate responses include:
a. I suppose so.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Among the incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would
spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than I am?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality.
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner.
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age.
d. Define pretty.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would
spend the insurance money if you died.

Question# 5: What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a
Corvette.")
No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up
questions

[ 08-21-2002, 11:45 PM: Message edited by: John D Harris ]

[johnny]

ROTFLMAO

mashes the numberpad

[WillowIX]

ROFLMAO! Now if just those tears would stop ruining my mascara