Four, VERY LONG jokes...

[Larry_OHF]

Oxymorons:



"Anarchy rules!"
"Free with purchase"
"Happy Monday"
+ "Never generalize"
"One size fits all"
"Slow children" (sign with a picture of a running child)
"Thank God I'm an Atheist"
"This page intentionally left blank"
A little big
Academic sorority
Accordion music
Accurate stereotype
Act naturally
Advanced BASIC
Aerobic exercise
Affirmative action, equal opportunity
Affordable housing
Aging yuppie
Airline food
Almost exactly
Alone together
American beer
American chop suey
American culture
American education
American English
American geographers
American history
American Honda
Americans
Apple tech support
Arms limitation
Art student
Artificial intelligence
Athletic scholarship
Australian spelling
Automated data processing
Back to the future
Bad health
Balding hair
Bankrupt millionaire
Beginning Finnish
Better than new
Black light
Boring orgasm
Brave politician
British fashion
Budget deficit
Bug free code
Business ethics
Butthead
Cafeteria food
California culture
California expressway
Canadian culture
Casual intimacy
Catproof
Central Intelligence Agency
Centrally-planned economy
Cheerful pessimist
Childproof
Christian education
Christian militia
Christian Scientists
Church of Scientology
Civil engineer
Civil servant
Civil libertarian
Civil war
Classic rock & roll
Clean dirt
Clean hack
Clearly confused
Clearly misunderstood
Clinton leadership
Coca-Cola Foods
Coed fraternity/sorority
Collective liberty
College algebra
College education
Colored music
Committee schedule
Committee decision
Common sense
Communist Party
Completely unfinished
Compulsory volunteering
Computer science
Computer jock
Computer security
Congressional action
Congressional ethics
Congressional hearing
Congressional oversight
Conservative Democrat
Conspicuous absence
Constant change
Construction worker
Convenience store
Cooperative multitasking
Corporate planning
Cost effective
Country music
Courtesy towing
Creation science
Curved line
Customer satisfaction
CNN style
Debugged program
Debutante ball
Decent lawyer
Definite maybe
Degradable plastic
Democratic Congress
Department of the Interior
Desktop publishing
Diet ice cream
Dining hall food
Disco music
Down escalator/elevator
Dress pants
Driving pleasure
Dry beer
Dry ice
Dry wine
DOS operating system
Economic reform
Electroshock therapy
English syntax
Enquiring minds
Environmentalist bumper sticker
Ergonomic keyboard
European Community
Evolutionary fact
Exact estimate
Executive decision
Express bus
Express mail
Fair reporting
Fair trial
Fallout shelter
Family entertainment
Fast food
Federal budget
Fighting for peace
Final version
First annual
First-strike defense
Flat-busted
Flexible freeze
Football scholarship
Forth programming language
Found missing
Free election
Free electron laser
Free love
Freezer burn
French culture
Fresh frozen
Friendly advice
Friendly competitor
Friendly fire
Full-length bikini
Full service
Functional manager
Funny clean joke
Fuzzy logic
Gay drill sergeant
Genuine imitation
Good grief
Good mother-in-law
Good Alan Rudolph film
Government aid/assistance
Government efficiency
+ Government integrity
Government organization
Graduate student
Great Britain
Guest host
Gunboat diplomacy
Half dead
Happily married
Hard disk
Hard water
Hazardous waste disposal
Helicopter flight
Higher education
Holy Roman Empire
Holy War
Honest crook
Honest politician
House Ethics Committee
Huge market niche
Human evolution
Indecent exposure
Industrial park
Institutional Revolutionary Party
Intelligent lifeforms
Internal Revenue Service
IBM compatible
Journalistic accuracy
Journalistic integrity
Jumbo shrimp
Just in Time (JIT)
Justice Rehnquist
Justice Thomas
Kentucky Fried Chicken
Kosher ham
Lace-up loafers
Lebanese government
Legal brief
Legal ethics
Legally drunk
Liberal Party (conservative)
Liberal, Kansas
Liquid crystal
Literal interpretation
Living dead
Long Island Expressway
Male compassion
Management science
Management support
Management action
Management style
Marketing strategy
Married life
Martial law
Math teacher
Mature student
McDonalds dinner
+ Meatless hamburger
Medicaid payment
Medical ethics
Microsoft Works
Middle East peace process
Military intelligence
Militart justice
Military peace
Modified final judgement
Monopoly
Moral Majority
Mutual attraction
Mutually exclusive
Necessary meeting
New Classic
New Democrat
New Mexico
Nice cat
Noble savage
Non-alcoholic beer
Non-denominational church
Nonworking mother
Now, then
Nuclear defense
Objective parent
Oddly appropriate
OpenVMS
Operating system
Operation Rescue
Pacific Ocean
Paperless office
Partly pregnant
Passive aggression
Peace force
Peace officer
PeaceMaker missile
People's Democratic Republic Of Yemen
Personal computer
Petty cash
Philosophy science
Plastic glasses
+ Plastic silverware
Pocket calculator
Police protection
Polite cabbie
Political leadership
Political science
Politically correct
Poor Republican
Pop art
Portable standard Lisp
Postal Service
Pot luck
Practical logic
Precision bombing
Presidential promises
Pretty ugly
Private e-mail
Productivity committee
Professional courtesy
Progressive Conservative
Proprietary standard
Psychiatric care
Public school education
Quality assurance
Quality service
Quebec intellectual
QuickBASIC
Quick fix
Quick reboot
R & D
Rap music
Rapid transit
Rare steak
Reagan memoirs
Real fantasy
Realistic schedule
Realtime computing
Reasonable female
Recently new
Reckless caution
Red Indians
Relativistic correction
Religious education
Religious fact
Religious tolerance
Religious science
Republican initiative
Resident alien
Responsible committee
Restrained grandparent
Rolling stop
Rush hour
Russian economy
Safe sex
Same difference
Sanitary landfill
Satisfied Democrat
Saving price
Savings & loan
School food
+ School vacation
Scottish Danish (actual pastry sold at 7-11)
+ Second best
Sedate sex
Semi truck
Semi-boneless ham
Senate Ethics Committee
Sensitive male
Severely/slightly killed
Silent scream
Small crowd
Smart bomb
Smart drugs
Social Security
Social science
+ Socialist Worker
Soft rock
Software documentation
Software engineering
Solid glass
Southern justice
Spare rib
Speed limit
Sports sedan
Stealth bomber
Straight hook
Student athlete
Student teacher
Summer school
Suburban culture
Supporting documentation
Sweet sorrow
Swiss Steak
Synthetic natural gas
Tame cat
Taped live
Tax return
Television critic
Temporary tax increase
Terribly pleased
Terminal initialization
Tight slacks
Tone color
Total Quality Management (TQM)
True gossip
True story
Unbiased journalism
Unbiased news reports
Unbiased opinion
Unbiased predisposition
Uncontested divorce
Understanding banker
Understanding Unix
Union workers
United States
University of Nevada at Las Vegas
Unix prompt
Unix security
Unsalted Saltines
+ Urban planning
User friendliness
User-friendly war
Vegetable beef soup
Ventura Freeway
Violent agreement
Virtual reality
Voting power
Waiting patiently
War games
War hero
Wilderness management
Windows NT (New Technology)
Wonder Bread
Woods Metal
Working vacation
Young Floridian
Yummy sushi
10K fun run
12-ounce pound cake
6502-based computer

[ 01-29-2002: Message edited by: Larry_OHF ]

[Larry_OHF]

BREAKING UP IS HARD TO DO... especially when you share the same major!



PSYCHOLOGY:
Girl accuses guy of just using her as a substitute for his Mother.

SOCIOLOGY:
Each claims to have been oppressed in the relationship.

RELIGION:
Each prays for reconcilliation and/or curses God

ARCHAEOLOGY:
One tries to bury the past, and accuses the other of trying to dig it up.

THEATRE:
"OH MY GOD! Life is... ENDED... as we KNOW it!"

BIOLOGY:
"You just wanted to get in my genes!"

PHYSICS:
Both resign themselves to the fact that what goes up must come down.

JOURNALISM:
"Today was the end of an era. Jack, 19, and Jill, 18, called an end to their relationship of 2 weeks..."

WOMEN'S STUDIES:
"HE did it!"

BUSINESS:
Both decide that they're spending way too much money together, and that it's simply cheaper to be single.

ITALIAN:
"Mama Mia!"



HISTORY:
Each party argues the breakup was caused by something the other party did in the past.

GEOGRAPHY:
Both people decide to simply move far away to avoid each other.

ANATOMY:
"I never liked your body anyway."

ECONOMICS:
One party demands more than the other can supply.

ENGLISH:
Each writes the other a perfect breakup letter, complete with introduction, thesis, body, and conclusion, that doesn't really say anything substantively intelligible.

EDUCATION:
Both concede that the relationship was a learning experience.

COMPUTING:
"Man, this bytes -- we just couldn't interface" and/or "His hard drive was more like a floppy."

E. ENGINEER.:
"It's just so shocking... I'm sure there are positives and negatives, but..." [okay, yes, I know you're groaning ]

ARCHITECTURE:
"There just wasn't much to build on anyway..."

JEWISH STUDIES:
"OY! You should feel so guilty!"

PHILOSOPHY:
If 2 people break up in a dorm and there's no one to witness the breakup, are they really single?

ZOOLOGY:
They were able to mate like banshees, but lacked sophisticated communication skills.

PHYS. ED.:
They punch each other out in frustration.

CHEMISTRY:
They turn to hard drugs to relieve the pain.

COUNSELING:
Each urges the other to "get help!"

MUSIC:
Each utilizes an operatic lament (or, in Tennessee, a country song) to express his or her sorrow.

LAW:
They sue each other for breach of a pre-dating agreement.

[ 01-29-2002: Message edited by: Larry_OHF ]

[Larry_OHF]

How to Build an Atom Bomb


Humor Space Site Index -------------------------- Humor Archive What's New Site Search Humor Spotlight Humor Category Index Humor Subject Index What's Hot -------------------------- Humor Store Game Chair Jolly E-Card Humor Mailing List -------------------------- Site Information Disclaimer Guest Book Web Links & Rings
Paper by: The Journal of Irreproducible Results
Volume 25/Number 4/1979

INTRODUCTION
Worldwide controversy has been generated recently from several court decisions in the United States which have restricted popular magazines from printing articles which describe how to make an atomic bomb. The reason usually given by the courts is that national security would be compromised if such information were generally available. But, since it is commonly known that all of the information is publicly available in most major metropolitan libraries, obviously the court's officially stated position is covering up a more important factor; namely, that such atomic devices would prove too difficult for the average citizen to construct. The United States courts cannot afford to insult the vast majorities by insinuating that they do not have the intelligence of a cabbage, and thus the "official" press releases claim national security as a blanket restriction.

The rumors that have unfortunately occurred as a result of widespread misinformation can (and must) be cleared up now, for the construction project this month is the construction of a thermonuclear device, which will hopefully clear up any misconceptions you might have about such a project. We will see how easy it is to make a device of your very own in ten easy steps, to have and hold as you see fit, without annoying interference from the government or the courts.

The project will cost between $5,000 and $30,000, depending on how fancy you want the final product to be. Since last week's column, "Let's Make a Time Machine", was received so well in the new step-by-step format, this month's column will follow the same format.


CONSTRUCTION METHOD
First, obtain about 50 pounds (110 kg) of weapons grade Plutonium at your local supplier (see NOTE 1). A nuclear power plant is not recommended, as large quantities of missing Plutonium tends to make plant engineers unhappy. We suggest that you contact your local terrorist organization, or perhaps the Junior Achievement in your neighborhood.
Please remember that Plutonium, especially pure, refined Plutonium, is somewhat dangerous. Wash your hands with soap and warm water after handling the material, and don't allow your children or pets to play in it or eat it. Any left over Plutonium dust is excellent as an insect repellant. You may wish to keep the substance in a lead box if you can find one in your local junk yard, but an old coffee can will do nicely.
Fashion together a metal enclosure to house the device. Most common varieties of sheet metal can be bent to disguise this enclosure as, for example, a briefcase, a lunch pail, or a Buick. Do not use tinfoil.
Arrange the Plutonium into two hemispheral shapes, separated by about 4 cm. Use rubber cement to hold the Plutonium dust together.
Now get about 100 pounds (220 kg) of trinitrotoluene (TNT). Gelignite is much better, but messier to work with. Your helpful hardware man will be happy to provide you with this item.
Pack the TNT around the hemisphere arrangement constructed in step 4. If you cannot find Gelignite, fell free to use TNT packed in with Playdo or any modeling clay. Colored clay is acceptable, but there is no need to get fancy at this point.
Enclose the structure from step 6 into the enclosure made in step 3. Use a strong glue such as "Crazy Glue" to bind the hemisphere arrangement against the enclosure to prevent accidental detonation which might result from vibration or mishandling.
To detonate the device, obtain a radio controlled (RC) servo mechanism, as found in RC model airplanes and cars. With a modicum of effort, a remote plunger can be made that will strike a detonator cap to effect a small explosion. These detonatior caps can be found in the electrical supply section of your local supermarket. We recommend the "Blast-O-Mactic" brand because they are no deposit-no return.
Now hide the completed device from the neighbors and children. The garage is not recommended because of high humidity and the extreme range of temperatures experienced there. Nuclear devices have been known to spontaneously detonate in these unstable conditions. The hall closet or under the kitchen sink will be perfectly suitable.
Now you are the proud owner of a working thermonuclear device! It is a great ice-breaker at parties, and in a pinch, can be used for national defense.

THEORY OF OPERATION
The device basically works when the detonated TNT compresses the Plutonium into a critical mass. The critical mass then produces a nuclear chain recation similar to the domino chain reaction (discussed in this column, "Dominos on the March", March, 1968). The chain reaction then promptly produces a big thermonuclear reaction. And there you have it, a 10 megaton explosion!


NEXT MONTH'S COLUMN
In next month's column, we will learn how to clone your neighbor's wife in six easy steps. This project promises to be an exciting weekend full of fun and profit. Common kitchen utensils will be all you need. See you next month!


NOTES
1. Plutonium (PU), atomic number 94, is a radioactive metallic element formed by the decay of Neptunium and is similar in chemical structure to Uranium, Saturium, Jupiternium, and Marisum.

[ 01-29-2002: Message edited by: Larry_OHF ]

[Larry_OHF]

SHIT HAPPENS

In Various World Religions
--------------------------

Taoism: Shit happens.
If you can shit, it isn't shit.
Shit happens, so flow with it.

Hare Krishna: Shit Happens, Rama Rama Ding Ding.
She-it happens, She-it happens, happens, happens,
she-it, she-it... (Repeat until you become one with she-it)
Please this flower and buy our shit.

Confucianism: Confucious say, "Shit happens".
Confucious says, "If shit has to happen, let it happen
PROPERLY."

Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
If shit happens, it isn't really happening TO anyone.
Shit will happen again to you next time.
Only he who totally gives up the desire for shit will
have salvation.

Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?
First, shit was shit.
Then it wasn't.
Now I'm one with Zen, and shit is shit again.

7th Day Adventism:
Shit happens on Saturdays.

Hinduism: I've seen this shit happening before.
This shit is not a religion, it is the way of life.
This shit happening IS you.

Protestantism: Let shit happen to someone else!
If shit happens, praise the lord for it.

Presbyterianism:
This shit was bound to happen.

Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
If you're not saved, tough Shit.


Episcopalianism:
If shit happens, hold a procession.
It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve the
right wine with it.
Fecal matter occurs.

Methodist: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve grape
juice with it.

Lutheranism: Shit happens, but as long as you're sorry, it's OK.
Have faith that shit will happen.
If shit happens, don't talk about it.

Anglicanism: It's true, shit does happen -- but only to Lutherans.

Quakers: Let us not fight over this shit.
Be silent and wait for shit to happen, friend.

Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserved it.
You were born shit, you are shit, and you will die shit.

Charismatic Catholicism:
Shit is happening because you deserve it, but we love you
anyway.

Judaism: Why does shit always happen just before closing the deal?

Conservative Judaism:
Why does shit always happen to US?

Reform Judaism: Got any laxatives?
Shit happens to whom it may concern.

Orthodox Judaism:
So shit happens, already!

Islam: We don't take any shit.
If shit happens, it is the will of Allah

Sunni Islam: If it happens to be shit, it's Allah's will and you'd
better submit!
Shiite happens.

Shi'ite Islam: WE WILL DESTROY YOUR SHIT!
If shit happens, take a hostage.

Nation of Islam:
Don't take no shit!
Shit happens 19 times!

Bahaism: Why do you keep shitting on us?
Shit happens universally.
All shit is truly shit.

New Age: That's not shit, it's feldspar.
Shit happens, and it happens to smell good.
This isn't shit if I really believe it's chocolate.
I create my own shit.
Visualize shit happening...
Crystal power counteracts Shit.

Wicca: If shit happened once, it will happen twice more.
The Goddess makes shit happen.
An it harm none, let shit happen.

Jehovah's Witnesses:
No shit happens until Armaggedon.
There is only a limited amount of good shit.
The best shit happens in the Watchtower.
Knock Knock, "Shit Happens."
Here, we insist you take our shit.
Shit happens door to door.
Open the door and I'll show you what shit is.
Good Morning, I have some shit for you to read.
Want to buy a subscription to our Shit?

Secular Humanism:
Shit evolves.

Darwinism: Survival of the shittiest.
This shit was once food.

Evolutionism: The world is getting shittier all the time.

Creationism: ... And the Lord said "Let there be shit" ... and there
came piles of it. After six days of this shit, He rested.

Christian Science:
When shit happens, don't call a doctor--pray.
Shit doesn't happen and I am not up to my eyeballs in it.
Our shit will take care of itself.
Shit happens in your mind.
If Shit happens, don't worry. It will go away on its own.


Atheism: I don't believe this shit!
Shit doesn't happen. Shit is dead.
No shit!
It looks and smells like shit, so I'm damned if I'm going
to taste it.

Religion from an Atheist's point of view:
I haven't smelt, seen, touched, or tasted it. But it's shit.

Agnosticism: It looks and smells like shit, but I haven't tasted it, so
I'm not sure whether its shit or not.
What is this shit?!
I don't know shit!
How can we KNOW if shit happens?
You can't prove any of this shit!

Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit!
Hey, this is good shit, mon.

Mormonism: If shit happens, shun it.
Let the shit multiply.
Excrement happens. (you can't say 'shit' in Utah)
Hey, there's more shit happening over here!
Shit happens again & again & again ...
Its evil to say "Shit".

Energizer Bunny:
Shit happens and happens and happens and ...

Christian Scientist: If shit happens, don't worry. It will go away on it own.

Born Again: Shit Happens, but I am saved.

Evangelism: Shit Happens. (pass it on)

Baptist: You are shitting all wrong, and you'll be punished for it.
We'll wash the shit right off you.

Southern Baptist:
Shit will happen. Praise the lord!

Shiite Baptist:
Shit will happen, but only the way we say it will happen and
if it doesn't happen we will make it happen because that's
God's will and we know it...

Iraqi Baathist: Oh shit!

Voodoo: Shit doesn't just happen -- somebody dumped it on you.
Let's stick some pins in this shit!
This shit's gonna get you!

Congregationalism:
Shit that happens to one person is just as good as shit that
happens to another.

Unitarianism: Shit that happens to one person is just as bad as shit that
happens to another.
What is this Shit?
We affirm the right for shit to happen.
Go ahead, shit anywhere you want.
It's not the shit that matters. It's the process.
Come let us reason together about this shit.
Shit is all basically the same.

Unitarian Universalism:
There is only one shit and it happens to all of us.

Orthodox: St. Sergius found his faith in deep shit.

Greek Orthodox: Shit happens, usually in threes.

Eastern Othodox: Rome doesn't know shit.

EST: I am at cause that shit will not happen.
You're responsible for all the shit that happens.

Fundamentalism: There's no shit in the Bible.
If shit happens, you will go to hell, unless you are
Born again shit. (Amen!)
Shit happens, but don't publish it.

Twelve Step: Shit happens one day at a time.

Mennonite: None of this modern shit now.

Anabaptist: Shit only happens to adults.

Amish: Shit is good for the soil.
This modern shit is worthless.
We like the same old shit the best.

Native Americans:
Shit is sacred when it happens.

Shintoism: You inherit the shit of your ancestors.
Shit is everywhere. So as long as you're stepping in it, show
it some respect.
Everything except Japan is Shit.

Moonies: Only happy shit really happens.

Manichaeism: How can Shit be Happening?
There's good shit, and bad shit. But it's all shit.

Zoroastrianism: Shit happens half the time.
Christianity stole half its shit from us.

Mysticism: This is really weird shit.

Paganism: Shit happens for a variety of reasons.

Celtic Paganism:
Shit, go bragh!

Graeco-Roman Mythology:
The Gods will tell us when Shit happens.

Rajhneesh: Give us your shit and put on this orange shit.

Rosicrucianism: What is this AMORC shit?

Satanism: We hope bad shit happens to all of you.
We will make your shit happen.
Shit doesn't just happen... it's created by an asshole.
What's wrong with shit happening?
SNEPPAH TIHS.
Shit rules!

Witchcraft: Mix this shit together and it will happen!

Scientology: All this happens to be shit.
If you leave us, bad shit will happen to you.
This shit happened before, but we can clean it up if you
pay us enough.
This Shit is expensive.

Shamanism: Whoaa...Holy Shit!
Only some can see the real shit.

Sikhism: Leave our shit alone.

Moilanenism: Smells like shit of finnish fish.

Sureshism: You are all pieces of shit.

Lubavitcher Hassidism:
Blessed are they upon whom He sends His most
holy Shit to happen.

Mithraism: Bull shit happens.

Dominicans: Belive in shit, or we'll boil you in it.

Epiphenomenalism:
Shit's in the air and falling down.

Eschatology: You think shit happens now, you just wait...

Illuminism: We make shit happen.

Jainism: Don't step on that shit, it's alive!
When Shit happens don't step in it.

Solipsism: All this shit is a creation of my imagination.

Druidism: Shit Happens. The Trees say so.

Branch Davidianism:
May shit happen to the FBI!
If shit happens, have a BIG barbecue...
David thinks he's hot shit.

Jesuitism: If shit happens and nobody hears it, did it really make a
sound?

Seventh-Day Adventist: Shit happens every day but Saturday.

Native American Curch: We want our Shit Back!

Jim Jonesism: If shit happens, drink Kool-Aid.

Creation Science:
Shit has only been happening since October 23rd 4004 B.C.

Discordianism: Shit makes the flowers grow and that's beautiful.
This MIGHT be shit, but is instead a fuzzy 1973 Mustang.

Deism: God does not make shit happen.

Kibology: What's shit, and where can I get some?
Great Leader Kibo makes shit happen.

Astrology: Jupiter is being really shitty to me today.

Spam: Spam happens.

Holistic: There;s more shit here than I figured on.

Transcendental meditation:
Shiiiit. Shiiiit. Shiiiit....

SubGenius: Shit has happened. For $20 "BoB" will sell you a way to
MAKE MONEY FROM IT.

Televangelism: Your tax-deductible donation could make this shit stop
happening...
Shit your way to a better life.

Dianetics: "Why does shit happen?" (p. 157)





SHIT HAPPENS

In Other Various Ways
---------------------

Yuppie Shit: It's my shit! All mine! Isn't it beautiful?

An Employer: Shit happens, and rolls down hill.
You may only shit during coffee breaks.

An Employee: I've done my shit, so can I take the day off?
This shit's not part of my contract.

Environmentalism:
Shit is biodegradable.
Good shit only happens once; bad shit is recycled.
Humanity happens.

Political Correctness:
Heavily processed nutritionally-deprived biological
output happens.

Communism: It's everybody's shit.
Let's spread the shit out equally among every one.
The Imperialists cause shit to happen, Comrade!

Marxism: The rich shit exploits the poor shit, but deep down all shit
is alike.
Dictatorship of the shit.
The workers take all the shit, but the're gonna dish it back
out again.

Socialism: The same shit happens to everyone.

Capitalism: Shit happens, and it'll cost you!
If you're gonna sell that shit, at least make a profit.
That's MY shit.

Democracy: Everyone has the same opportunity to make shit happen.

Republic: We elect others to take care of shit for us.

Libertarianism: Hands off my shit.

Liberalism: Society's to blame for shit happening.

Conservatism: Shit Happens, but not right now.

Repulicanism: There's nothing like a good shit. Flush the toilet.

Democratism: How can we send a man to the moon and still have all this shit?

Commercialism: Let's package this shit.

Idolism: Let's bronze this shit.

South Africa: No more white shit.

Japanese: Americans will buy all our shit.

Soviet Union: That shit just didn't work.

Victorianism: Excrement occurs, but we do not partake in its discussion
in civilized society.

Americanism: Who gives a shit?

Egoism: I AM the shit!

Feminism: This shit happened before, and WE won't clean it up!
Men are shit.
Why does shit only happen to women?!
Put the seat back down, you Shit.

Chauvinism: We may be shit, but you can't live without us...

Impressionism: From a distance, shit looks like a garden.

Abstract expressionism:
Look at this shit I just took on the canvas!

Dadaism: Shit bzzt gim blim ba dum boop!

Post-modernism: New shit is just a mix of old shit.

Surrealism: Fish.

Materialism: Whoever dies with the most shit wins.

Utilitarianism: Whatever does the most shit for the most people is best.

Hedonism: There's nothing quite like a good shit.
When Shit happens, enjoy it!

Utopianism: This shit does not stink.

Epicureanism: Shit happens - in moderation.

Existentialism: Shit doesn't happen; shit is.
Shit happening is absurd.
I shit, therefore I sit.

Scientificism: We seem to think Shit Happens, but it's just a theory.

Apathism: I don't give a shit.

Realism: I think I need to take a shit.

Idealism: I can deal with any shit.

Objectivism: Shit is Shit.

Denialism: What shit?

Depressionism: Why can't shit happen to me too!

Purism: If shit has to happen, let ONLY shit happen.

Minimalism: Shit.

Procrastinationism:
I'll take care of this shit ... tomorrow.

Avoidanceism: With all this happening, I think I'll go shit.
The limit of procrastinationism as t goes to infinity.

Repressionism: I'll hold this shit in forever.

Stoicism: This shit happening is good for me.
So Shit happens, Big deal. I can take it.

Optimism: Shit will never happen.

Pessimism: One of these days, shit will happen.

Fatalism: Oh shit, it's going to happen!

Meliorism: Shit is happening now, but will soon cease to happen.

Nihilism: Let's blow this shit up!
No shit.

Determinism: Obviously, that shit was bound to happen to you.

Empiricism: Prove that shit!

Epistemology: How do you know that shit?

Pragmatism: Deal with one shit at a time.
How can I put this shit to use?

Skepticism: Nope. I will NOT be convinced that shit is happening.

Steel Magnolianism:
Honey chile, the Shit that Happens makes us stronger.

Fascism: Shit won't happen if we kill everybody that's different.

Anarchism: We are allowed to shit when we want.
We are allowed to shit where we want.
We should be allowed to shit what we want.

Vandalism: Break all the shit you can.

Hooliganism: Raise all the shit you can.

Fetishism: I love it when shit happens.

Masochism: Do shit to ME.

Sadism: I will shit on you!

Coprophilia: ■■■■ that shit.

Hitchhikerism: The answer to all shit is 42.

Nonsequiturism: Sure, maybe shit happens, but Route 176 goes south.

Mesmerism: You are getting sleepy...soon Shit will not happen....

Cannibalism: Don't eat the shit.

Vegetarianism: If it happens to shit, don't eat it.

Spoonerism: Hit shappens.

Aneurysm: Shit, my head hurts! [img]smile.gif[/img]

Dyslexia: Tihs happens.

Phone Company: 911. Because Shit happens.

Murphyism: Shit will happen, at the worst possible time, and in the
worst possible way.

Divorcism: She's full of shit!
He's fooling around with some worthless piece of shit.
... but Judge, you can't give her all that shit!

Anthropomorphism:
Shit Happens to God, too.




SHIT HAPPENS

to Famous People
----------------

Heisenberg: Shit happened, we just don't know where or how much.

Quantum Shittydynamics:
Shit happens only in well-defined quantities.

Einstein: God does not shit on the universe.
Shit is Relative.

Reaction to Seeing your Mother-in-law:
Relatives are Shit.

Newton: Why did that shit fall on my head?

Washington: I cannot tell a lie--shit happened.

Lincoln: Four score and seven shits ago...

Nixon: Shit didn't happen, and if it did I din't know anything
about it.

Reagan: Well, I do believe shit happened. I was just taking a nap.

Quayle: Whye doe peepl treate mee lik shitte?

Clinton: I didn't inhale this shit.
Oh, shit! I shouldn't have let that state trooper watch.

Bush: Read my lips: no more shit!
Wouldn't be prudent to shit at this juncture.
This looks like foreign shit. Let Baker handle it.
This looks like domestic shit. Let Baker handle it.
This looks like campaign-related shit. Let Baker handle it.
: A thousand points of shit.


Baker: Why does Bush always dump all the shit on me?

Saddam: The mother of all shit just happened to us, but at least
I'm still in power.

Perot: I'm sorry if I dropped you guys in this piece of shit.

McCarthy: Are you now, or have you ever been, shit?

Martin Luther King:
Black shit and white shit CAN coexist...
I have a shit...

Rodney King: Can we all just get along with this shit?

Julius Caesar: I came, I saw, I shitted. (Veni, Vidi, Shitti)

Roosevelt: Grunt softly and take a big shit.

Kennedy: Ask not what your country's shit can do for you, but
what your shit can do for your country.

MacArthur: I shall return to shit.

Castro: We have to make this shit work somehow.

John Paul Jones:
I have not yet begun to shit.

Stalin: The state treats you like shit.

James Tiberius Kirk:
... to boldly shit where no man has shit before!

Shirley MacClaine:
Haven't I seen this shit before...

Gertrude Stein: A shit is a shit is a shit.

Neil Armstrong: One small shit for a man... One giant heap for mankind.

Tonya Harding: hitS happen

Bobbit: That WAS a long hard piece of shit.

Stuart Smalley: Oh Shit! But! That's OK.

Robin: Holy shit, Batman!

Yoda: Use the shit, Luke.
Do not yield to the dark side of the shit.

Oliver Stone: The government's behind this shit.

Beavis: Shit sucks.

Butt-head: Huh-huh, huh-huh, you said "shit".




SHIT HAPPENS

According to the Philospohers
-----------------------------

Thales: Earth, Air, Fire, and Shit

Epicurus: If shit happens, enjoy it.

Socrates: What is shit? Why is shit?
The truly wise do not claim to know shit...
Know thyshit.

Plato: There is an ideal shit, of which all the shit that happens is
but an imperfect image.

Aristotle: The essence of shittyness...

Archimedes: Hmmm... why doesn't this shit float?
Give me a place to stand and I'll move any piece of shit.

Descartes: I think, so why am I in this shit?
I shit, therefore I am.

Leibniz (as interpreted by Voltaire):
The best of all possible shit in this world made for shit.

Thoreau: I wanted to live deliberately ... to suck all the shit out
of life.

Sartre: Shit is meaningless!
What is shit, anyway?

Freud: Shit is a phallic symbol.

Jung: The Shitter is the most important Archetype.

Godel: It can be proved that it cannot be proved that shit happens.
Lao-Tzu: It is utterly pointless to try to explain shit.




SHIT HAPPENS

In Literature
--------------

Herman Melville:
Call me shit.

Edgar Allan Poe:
The telltale shit.

Oscar Wilde: The Importance of Being Shit.

Milan Kundera: The Unbearable Lightness of Shit.

Arthur Miller: Shit of a Salesman.

Shakespeare: To shit or Not to shit, that is the question.




SHIT HAPPENS

To Your Pets
------------

Dog: All I do is eat, sleep and shit.
I did not chew the shit out of your bedroom slippers.
When I catch a car, it will shit!
Oh shit, I caught it!

Cat: Why do I have to shit in this smelly pan?
Let me sleep, you pathetic shit.
Dogs are shit.
I do not do unelegant things like shit, I excrete. And never
in the corner. It is the dog's.

Fish: All I do is eat, swim and shit.
Always the same dried shit for dinner?

Snake: If I got out of this cage, you'd shit.

Rat: Hey, let's get out of this cage and shit somewhere...




SHIT HAPPENS

To Computers
------------

Computer Science:
There's a bug somewhere in this shitttttttttttttttttttttttttt

Database: Where did I put that shit?

Compiler: I don't care if it's shit, as long as it has semicolons in the
right places.

1st-law-of-robotics-ism:
Robots can not shit or let shit come to happen.

AI: ...wanna bet?

alt.cascade:
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>s
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>h
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>i
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>t
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>h
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>a
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>p
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>p
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>e
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>n
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>s

rec.humor: Can someone send me some shit? I lost mine.
Me too! I want shit too!

alt.flame: Emacs is such shit! I save .00001% keystrokes with vi!

UNIX: Bowel fault. Shit dumped.

VAX/VMS: No Privilege for attempted shit.

DOS: It's shit, but it's compatible.

Windows: The same shit as DOS, only GUIer.

X/Motif: That's another client's shit.

PDP-11: It USED to be good shit...

Cray: If this code weren't such a piece of shit, they wouldn't NEED
a supercomputer...

Macintosh: ('nuff said)

Pascal: Hey! That shit's the wrong type!

C: It's shit, but it's efficient.

C++: It's shit that's in a CLASS by itself.

Assembler: 0x000000: 53 68 69 74 20 48 61 70 70 65 6E 73 21

Ada: It's a PACKAGE of shit, AND it's PRIVATE shit.

Lisp: (defun Does_Shit_Happen(exp)(cond(t t)))

Fortran: It's shit, but I don't know any better.

Cobol: IT-IS-DEFINITELY-OLD-SHIT, BUT-IT'S-JOB-SECURITY.

BASIC: It's shit.




SHIT HAPPENS

In Various Professions
----------------------

Mathematician: Shit happening is just a special case...

Statistician: There is an 83.7% chance that shit will happen. Maybe.

Physicist (Theoretical):
Shit SHOULD happen.

Physicist (Experimental):
To within experimental error, shit DID happen.

Engineer: I hope this shit holds together.

Chemist: I hope this shit doesn't blow up.
Gee, what'll happen if I mix this and ... SHIT!!!!
Damn this shit smells...

Biologist: Is this shit alive?

Botanist: What this daisy needs is some fresh shit.

Economist: I hope no one figures out that I don't really understand
this shit.

Beurocrat: I'm sorry, but we can't make this shit happen until you fill
out form XJ-314159 to make an appointment with our Assistant
Sub-Deputy Manager to obtain form ZN-271828...

CEO: (1980's) I've got all the shit I want.
(1990's) Oh SHIT!

Lawyer: For a sufficient fee, I can get you out of ANY shit.

Doctor: Take two shits and call me in the morning.
Yes, it's definitely a case of shit happening. $90, please...

Acupuncturist: Hold still or it will hurt like shit.
Let all that shit go.
This will really get the energy shit moving.

Surgeon: Shit, where's this organ supposed to go?

Psychologist: Shit is in your mind.
Everything that happens is shit; some of it is just repressing
its subconscious shittiness.

Programmer: It's shit, but at least it compiles.

Social Scientist:
Let's pretend that shit doesn't happen...

Historian: The same shit happens again and again.

Politician: It's shit, but it'll get me elected.
If you elect me, shit will never again happen.
Shit happening is bad for the economy.
My Fellow Americans, All I stand for is shit.

Waitress: You want fries with that shit?

Teacher: Repeat after me: one shit + one shit =

A Professor: Let's see how crazy they'll be neck-deep in my shit.
Hey! I've got tenure! I don't give a shit about students.

Dean: Let's see how much shit the faculty'll take.

Accountant: Why doesn't this shit add up?

Linguist: What I'm doing is a bunch of feces tauri.
(For non-Latin-speakers: feces tauri=the excrement of a male
bovine)

Quality Control Inspector:
This shit ain't good enough.

Marketing: This shit could sell, if only it came in different colors.

IRS Auditor: I'll make 'em squirm for putting this shit on their tax forms.

Farmer: I get subsidies for my shit.

Union leader: Give us more shit or we'll strike.

Mafia boss: Rub the little shits out.
I'll make him a shit he can't refuse.

NYC Cab Driver: Oops, looks like I hit that shit...

Mechanic: Shit... this will cost a lot, mister.

Chef: It needs some more of this green shit.

Musician: This shit is out of tune.

Artist: If Jesse Helms likes it, it is shit.
Shit, I wish I'd thought of that.
Anything you can buy for $2.99 isn't art, it's shit.

Poet: My childhood was shit -- let me share.
Ode to a Grecian Shit.
My love is like a red, red shit.
... and miles to go before I shit, and miles to go before I
shit...

Developer: Shit happens on a daily basis, that's why we have maintainance
programmers.




SHIT HAPPENS

To Major Corporations
---------------------

NASA: For a mere couple of billion dollars, we can make your shit
disappear into space.

IBM: Big Blue Shit.

Motorola: Our shit is Six Sigma.

Apple: We don't want this shit unless it makes a profit.
That shit looks and feels like our shit!

Microsoft: NO! That shit looks and feels like OUR shit!

Intel: The shit inside.

McDonalds: You want fries with your McShit?

Taco Bell: Shit, shit supreme!

GM/Saturn: If it needs to be recalled, it's probably our shit.

Ford: Our shit is Job One.
Have you had a shit lately?

BMW: The ultimate shitting machine

Chevy: The shitbeat of America

VW: Fahrvergshitgen.

Toyota: I LOVE when you shit on me. (See also masochism)

Volvo: Our shit is boxy but it's good.

Sony: Everyone wants our shit.

Coca-Cola: It's the Real Shit.

Pepsi: The shit of a new generation.

WalMart: We sell our shit for less, always.




SHIT HAPPENS

On the Corporate Ladder
-----------------------

In the Beginning was The Plan

And then came the Assumptions
And the Assumptions were without form
And The Plan was completely without substance
And the darkness was upon the face of the workers
And they spoke among themselves, saying :
'It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh'
And the workers went to their Supervisors and sayeth :
'It is a pail of dung and none may abide the odor thereof'
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers and sayeth unto them :
'It is a container of excrement and it is very strong,
Such that none may abide by it.'
And the Managers went unto their Directors and sayeth :
'It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide it's strength.'
And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying one to another,
'It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong.'
And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents and sayeth unto them :
'It promotes growth and is very powerful.'
And the Vice Presidents went unto the President and sayeth unto him,
'This new plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency of this
Company, and in these Areas in particular.'
And the President looked upon The Plan,
And he saw that it was good, and The Plan became Policy.

And This Is How Shit Happens.




THE LAWS OF THERMODYNAMICS

For Sanitation Engineers
------------------------------

0th: There is shit.
1st: You can't get rid of it.
2nd: It gets deeper.
3rd: A nice, empty trashcan is wishful thinking.

[LennonCook]

Lets see... I love it I love it!!


except- Australian Spelling.

Its you Yanks who spell Possum as Opossum, Mum as Mom, Arse as Ass, Beaviour as Behavour, Colour as Color, Centre as center, and others.

WE use mostly the same spelling as the Brits, so it must be you guys who cant spell- yours doesnt agree with anyone !!

[SSJ4Sephiroth]

Silence Sookma. the funniest and most true was the one about Affirmative Action!

[LennonCook]

quote:

---

Originally posted by SSJ4Sephiroth:
Silence Sookma. the funniest and most true was the one about Affirmative Action!

---

Yes, true... unfortunately they replaced Claris Works with Microsoft Works... we all know that Microsoft Works better than Clarris Works!!


Oh, and dont call me Sookma.

[Sazerac]

quote:

---

Originally posted by LennonCook:


Yes, true... unfortunately they replaced Claris Works with Microsoft Works... we all know that Microsoft Works better than Clarris Works!!

---

Ewww! Booo Hiss! That's AWFUL!!!

-Sazerac

[Epona]

ROFLMAOPIMP!!!!!
What a laugh!

Heisenberg *snort* - that was my favourite.

BTW Lennon, as far as I know, most American spelling and words are closer to how English used to be - it is 'English' English that has changed more!

[/)eathKiller]

LOLOk so i lied.... not a THING here is funny!