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Old 12-08-2001, 06:52 PM   #1
250
Horus - Egyptian Sky God
 

Join Date: March 4, 2001
Location: either CA or MO
Age: 35
Posts: 2,674
alright. I am a very poor listener. I admit it. I thought I am good, at least OK, then I found out I suck like shit.

anyway, Gina constantly complaint that I gave her "lectures" and that made her feel worse. True that I've been telling her what I think about her and her problems, and that just seems to make matter worse because she says "you have no idea about my lfie." how the hell am I supposed to understand her if she constantly refuses to talk about her feelings?

now I am completely shut off from her. it is like all the effort I spent are wasted. what the f***? why cannot I ever just shut up and listen for God's sake?? please, good gentlemen and ladies out there, if you have any tips on "listening" or "communication" please give me your input...

why do I keep mess things up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Old 12-08-2001, 06:59 PM   #2
Aelia Jusa
Iron Throne Cult
 
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Join Date: August 23, 2001
Location: Brisbane, Australia
Age: 36
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*hugs* I'm sure you meant well [img]smile.gif[/img]

Although it's true that sometimes people, especially close friends do just want someone to listen to them. Sometimes it's enough that someone hears them and understands what they're saying. Sometimes giving advice isn't helpful - they don't want to know what they can do, they just want to know you're there and you're listening.

Good ways of making sure she knows you're listening and you're interested without preaching to her are to ask questions, ask for clarification, summarise things she's said so she knows you understand, and if you don't she can explain her feelings another way. Don't give unsolicited advice, just show her you know what she's saying and feeling. It's hard not to give advice, especially when it's someone you care about and you want to help them, but sometimes just listening is what they need, though just listening can be far harder to do

I hope things work out for you [img]smile.gif[/img]
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Old 12-08-2001, 07:13 PM   #3
Lord of Alcohol
Xanathar Thieves Guild
 

Join Date: January 8, 2001
Location: Charlotte,NC
Age: 53
Posts: 4,560
All I can say is sometimes you just have to sit there and take it. Nod your head, say yes, I know, ok, etc in all the right spots and dont EVEN try to tell them what to do! Lectures are out, even if you disagree about how they did something. Thats where your f****** up dude! Hell sometimes just lie and say yea thats a good idea or yea you handled that great or whatever. But if you lie about big stuff...well its your funeral
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Old 12-08-2001, 07:29 PM   #4
250
Horus - Egyptian Sky God
 

Join Date: March 4, 2001
Location: either CA or MO
Age: 35
Posts: 2,674
Aelia Jusa, thank you... sigh... I am screwed up
Lord of Alcohol, sigh, thank you too... how come I am so screwed up!!!!

any other tips? you guys are very heplful
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Old 12-08-2001, 07:52 PM   #5
250
Horus - Egyptian Sky God
 

Join Date: March 4, 2001
Location: either CA or MO
Age: 35
Posts: 2,674
give me tips please.... anything
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Old 12-08-2001, 08:04 PM   #6
250
Horus - Egyptian Sky God
 

Join Date: March 4, 2001
Location: either CA or MO
Age: 35
Posts: 2,674
so what are the skills in asking questions?

say I want to ask "is it because people give you too much advice so that you hate getting online and emails?"

If I want to ask this question, what way would be the best?
also, how do I ask a question properly?

now, Gina is not telling me what troubles she has, and she is not using online to chat... so I dont know what to do... I am hoping I can do something (after she feels better, of course, not now)
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Old 12-08-2001, 08:57 PM   #7
Ronn_Bman
Zartan
 

Join Date: March 11, 2001
Location: North Carolina USA
Age: 51
Posts: 5,177
quote:
Originally posted by 250:
why do I keep mess things up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Just a thought 250, but maybe you aren't messing things up between the two of you. Maybe things between the two of you are just messed up. There is a difference.

I don't pretend to know all about your situation, but based on many of the things I've seen you post about this relationship, it seems a bit one sided. Sometimes in life we want what, we know in our hearts, we can't have.

Be honest with yourself and ask whether you are getting what you need from this relationship. If you aren't getting what you need, it's not much of a relationship. I hope I don't sound harsh (I don't mean to), but its something you should begin to focus on.

To thine own self, be true.
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Old 12-08-2001, 09:34 PM   #8
Aelia Jusa
Iron Throne Cult
 
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Join Date: August 23, 2001
Location: Brisbane, Australia
Age: 36
Posts: 4,867
quote:
Originally posted by 250:
so what are the skills in asking questions?

say I want to ask "is it because people give you too much advice so that you hate getting online and emails?"

If I want to ask this question, what way would be the best?
also, how do I ask a question properly?

now, Gina is not telling me what troubles she has, and she is not using online to chat... so I dont know what to do... I am hoping I can do something (after she feels better, of course, not now)



Well, I think you have to try not to be confrontational. Phrase in a way that shows you want to know how she feels, but that you're not demanding the answer. Try not to ask questions in a way that shows you already know the answer. For example, in your question "is it because people give you too much advice so that you hate getting online and emails?" not only is this just a yes or no question, which doesn't facilitate further discussion very well, but you're presupposing and judging her actions in a way that might make her feel defensive and unwilling to talk to you. Maybe a better way would be something like "I've missed you lately online, why haven't you been contacting me" - something that shows that you're concerned, but will make her feel more comfortable in telling you why.

Plus when she tells you something about how she feels, or what she's thinking, ask questions that show you really want to know exactly how she's feeling. Like if she says "I've been really depressed lately and I feel like life's pulling me all different ways"; you might say something like "so do you feel like you're out of control?" - this shows her that you're trying to understand how she's feeling, and if that's not how she's feeling she can say so and try to explain better.

I think just try to show her you want to help her, and you want to understand how she's feeling, in a way that is least confrontational and judging, and most likely to make her feel more comfortable in telling you more.

Actually giving advice can really stop effectively listening, since you're not really hearing how she's feeling, but suggesting how she could feel differently. In a way, you're telling her her feelings aren't appropriate, and here are ways to feel the 'correct' way. And often, advice you might give they already know - say a friend has lost their job and are telling you how depressed and worthless they feel - you advising them to buck up and look for another job is obvious - of course this is what they should be doing, and they know they should do it as well - they don't want advice, they want empathy and understanding, which comes about by listening to what they're saying.
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Old 12-08-2001, 09:53 PM   #9
250
Horus - Egyptian Sky God
 

Join Date: March 4, 2001
Location: either CA or MO
Age: 35
Posts: 2,674
thank you, thank you VERY VERY VERY much... there is so much more for me to learn.... grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

once again, thank you **many hugs**
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Old 12-08-2001, 09:57 PM   #10
250
Horus - Egyptian Sky God
 

Join Date: March 4, 2001
Location: either CA or MO
Age: 35
Posts: 2,674
quote:
Originally posted by Ronn_Bman:


Just a thought 250, but maybe you aren't messing things up between the two of you. Maybe things between the two of you are just messed up. There is a difference.

I don't pretend to know all about your situation, but based on many of the things I've seen you post about this relationship, it seems a bit one sided. Sometimes in life we want what, we know in our hearts, we can't have.

Be honest with yourself and ask whether you are getting what you need from this relationship. If you aren't getting what you need, it's not much of a relationship. I hope I don't sound harsh (I don't mean to), but its something you should begin to focus on.

To thine own self, be true.



I am not. I just want her to heal. I hope my love can transform into something real in her life. something nice and loving. then I will just leave. in the mean while, I'll keep my eyes open and keep my hope up.

she is unable to give now, not to anyone, not to even herself. so I have to also take that into consideration. anyway, you dont sound harash [img]smile.gif[/img] thanks for the advice
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