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Old 09-19-2001, 05:39 PM   #1
SSJ4Sephiroth
Beholder
 

Join Date: May 4, 2001
Location: The Outside Looking In
Age: 30
Posts: 4,361
okay, i should probably set this scene up. in the first part of this exerpt, the leader of a mercenary squad is returning a weapon of great power to the leader of a guild coalitoin (Azure Wolffe). and in the second part, Kazara has recently angered Blood (named for Blood~of~(SR), my hated enemy). anyways they get into a real big fight. so enjoy, and tell me what you think please! (also tell me if you no longer wish me to post a few parts of my story. not likely tho )


“Mister Wolffe, my men have retrieved the artifact you asked for!” Ted Brussman exclaimed into the radio. “Now, I think the full payment is due for my services!”
“Fine, bring it on up. I’ll have your money ready for you by the time you get here. Just bring the damn sword up here.” He released the activation button, removing himself from the conversation. The sun gleamed off his pearly white armor plates, and the needle-sharp spikes made it appear as if a porcupine had assumed human form. He clutched the handle of his horrendous battleaxe, just in case Ted decided that he wanted more than money.
A loud knock came at his door. He grabbed the suitcases filled with money, then proceeded to throw open the door. Sure enough, Ted Brussman stood there, grinning idiotically and holding a long black case.
“So, I assume you want the full payment now. Fine, but I want to be positive that I’m not getting ripped off before I give you even one cent,” Azure growled at Ted.
“Of course,” Ted assured shakily, “No need for anything like that.” He held out the long black case, and Azure immediately grabbed it from him. He popped open the case, and pulled out a long, copper-colored shining blade. It radiated power around him, and filled the air around it with an intense charge.
“Ah, this is indeed what I seek. Thank you for your services. And of course, here are the ten million cubes I promised you.” Wolffe picked up the suitcases and threw them at Ted. Even though he got his hands out, a loud snap was still heard when the suitcases struck his chest. He was knocked against the wall behind him, and the air was knocked from his diaphragm as his back connected with the wall and the suitcases pushed in on his belly.
“Now get out of my sight while I’m still merciful,” Wolffe yelled, his eyes narrowing into almost yellow slits. Ted scrambled to get up, futilely trying to carry the bags in his broken arms and gasp for breath.
“Men,” he was finally able to force out of his lungs, “carry… these… bags for me,” he was able to cough out while gesturing to the bags. Two men, each dressed in blood red reflective armor from head to toe, sprung from either side of the door. Picking up the bags and their wounded commander, they walked slowly away toward the exit.
“I’ll get you for this!” Ted called to Azure. He just laughed, ran his fingers through his spiked blue hair, and went back into his room.

“What is it now?” Blood mumbled to himself as a knock came at his door. He threw the door open, and was severely disappointed to see the petit form of Kazara standing there, her arms folded across her chest. “What the ■■■■ do you want now?” Blood barked at her, bring his face an inch from hers.
“Well for one thing I’d like for you to quit swearing. But since that’s never going to happen it seems, I’ve come to tell you that it’s time for dinner.”
“No it’s not,” Blood said defiantly.
“What do you mean ‘no it’s not’? We’ve been having dinner at the exact same time through the entire history of the clan!” Kazara shrieked.
“Not anymore. I’ve been wanting to move dinner to a later time for a while, and now I finally can. Also, starting tomorrow all of the female members serving here at North Castle will be required to wear tight clothes and possibly a short skirt,” Blood calmly continued with a grin on his usually blank face.
“What? I most certainly will not!” Kazara yelled right in Blood’s face.
“Then I don’t wan you in my company. Pack up your things and get the hell out of this camp by the end of the day,” Blood growled back angrily.
“You can’t kick me out just for not following some stupid dress code!” Kazara was becoming very offended, and would have liked nothing more than to claw Blood’s eyes out.
“No, but I can kick you out for disobeying a direct order. Now get out of my sight.”
“Fine, I don’t want to be in your sexist regiment anyways! I’m sure Seifer will gladly take me in,” Kazara told him smugly.
“I’m sure he would, he tends to take in rejects. But it matters little to me. All I want is for you to get out of my sight and I’ll be happy,” Blood said threateningly.
Kazara didn’t say anything, she just went back to her room and began to pack. She pulled out two large black and green bags from under her bed and began stuffing clothes, weapons, and personal belongings into them. “Stupid sexist thinks he can force me out of the company,” she mumbled to no one in particular. “I was Queen of the World it seemed, then this Satan-spawn had to come by and ruin my life! Oh well, I’ll probably be better off in Seifer’s group anyways.” She strapped the bags onto her shoulders, and began to walk towards the door.
Her friends and colleagues were waiting for her in the hallway, waving good-byes and offering their farewells. Kazara didn’t pay much attention though, she just kept on walking. When she reached the door however, Ben came out and began to ridicule her. “You know, I never thought you’d make it in this regiment. You’re too weak to stand even a day under Blood’s command. Seifer’s little intelligence group would be about your level.”
Kazara turned around and punched Ben in the face. He was knocked back at least five feet, and landed right on his rump. “You have no idea what you’re talking about. Seifer’s group isn’t a cake walk by any standards, and Blood is one of the worst men I’ve ever met!” she screamed at Ben who was just lying on the ground. She moved past him and began to move south over the frozen taiga, the bitter cold biting at her skin every second she stayed out there.


------------------
It's simple. Once the Planet is hurt, it gathers Spirit Energy to heal the injury. The amount of energy gathered depends on the size of the injury...What would happen if there was an injury that threatened the very life of the Planet? Think how much energy would be gathered! Ha, ha, ha. And at the center of that injury, wil be me. All that boundless energy will be mine. By merging with the energy of the Planet, I will be come a new life form, a new existence. Melding with the Planet, I will cease to exist as I am now. Only to be reborn as a 'God' to rule over every living soul.


Super Sephiroth, slayer of the Uber Fluffy, and battle co-ordionator and defender of the HADB clan.

Follower of the mighty Fallen Paladin himself.

Diplomacy is all and well, but HADB is better!
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Old 09-19-2001, 11:04 PM   #2
SSJ4Sephiroth
Beholder
 

Join Date: May 4, 2001
Location: The Outside Looking In
Age: 30
Posts: 4,361
eek! i need feedback people! how do you feel about which names i used and what roles i used them for? cmon, give me SOMETHING!

------------------
It's simple. Once the Planet is hurt, it gathers Spirit Energy to heal the injury. The amount of energy gathered depends on the size of the injury...What would happen if there was an injury that threatened the very life of the Planet? Think how much energy would be gathered! Ha, ha, ha. And at the center of that injury, wil be me. All that boundless energy will be mine. By merging with the energy of the Planet, I will be come a new life form, a new existence. Melding with the Planet, I will cease to exist as I am now. Only to be reborn as a 'God' to rule over every living soul.


Super Sephiroth, slayer of the Uber Fluffy, and battle co-ordionator and defender of the HADB clan.

Follower of the mighty Fallen Paladin himself.

Diplomacy is all and well, but HADB is better!
SSJ4Sephiroth is offline  
Old 09-19-2001, 11:10 PM   #3
250
Horus - Egyptian Sky God
 

Join Date: March 4, 2001
Location: either CA or MO
Age: 35
Posts: 2,674
is this Kazara chic blonde? I somehow got that feeling...


pooooooooof, lol, no offense to anyone here!
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Old 09-19-2001, 11:13 PM   #4
250
Horus - Egyptian Sky God
 

Join Date: March 4, 2001
Location: either CA or MO
Age: 35
Posts: 2,674
sorry, to be a little bit supportive

what kinda gal are you trying to portrait Kazara as? mature, independent, strong? to me, she seems like an immature teen, with very short temper and baaaad attitude. if that is what you trying to show us, then good job.

I have not the time to read the rest fo the article, but I shall
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Old 09-19-2001, 11:14 PM   #5
SSJ4Sephiroth
Beholder
 

Join Date: May 4, 2001
Location: The Outside Looking In
Age: 30
Posts: 4,361
Kazara = Kaz. and she was merely reacting to Blood's sexism. if you saw how they first met youd know why she reacts like that to him... but thats a story spoiler so

------------------
It's simple. Once the Planet is hurt, it gathers Spirit Energy to heal the injury. The amount of energy gathered depends on the size of the injury...What would happen if there was an injury that threatened the very life of the Planet? Think how much energy would be gathered! Ha, ha, ha. And at the center of that injury, wil be me. All that boundless energy will be mine. By merging with the energy of the Planet, I will be come a new life form, a new existence. Melding with the Planet, I will cease to exist as I am now. Only to be reborn as a 'God' to rule over every living soul.


Super Sephiroth, slayer of the Uber Fluffy, and battle co-ordionator and defender of the HADB clan.

Follower of the mighty Fallen Paladin himself.

Diplomacy is all and well, but HADB is better!
SSJ4Sephiroth is offline  
Old 09-20-2001, 01:22 AM   #6
TheCrimsomBlade
Lord Ao
 

Join Date: August 25, 2001
Location: Winchester ,Virginia , United States
Age: 65
Posts: 2,081
it seems to jump from one subject to another a little to fast.
now don't get me wrong it may just seam that way becauce its the only
part of your story I've ever read ! but it did hold my interest I'll
keep my eye open for more of it. who knows you could turn out to be another
Jeffery A.Carver he wrote "The Rapture Effect" and "Dragons in the Stars"
---you might try to put a little more into what the men and women are thinking
and build up to the action rather than just throwing everyone into action all
the time. Like maybe 1) why did Wolff want this sword so bad?
2) If the sword was so great why would Ted sellit?
3) throwing the suit cases full of money at ted was kind
of confusing they hit him in the chest but broke
his arm? Breaking or cracking a few ribbs would sound
a little more realistic and still get the same point
across
4) when you take body guards with you most people don't
hide them behind a door! They stick them out in front
so the bad guys can't get to them
Remember I'm not putting your story down. It seams that you write and think
at the same time and maybe you should try to dictate into a tape recorder
some of your thoughts as you go and then listen to them it will help your
story in the long run
keep writing and I'll keep reading


------------------
The Blade Makes The Man
The Man Made The Blade
Death To All That Stand
In Their Way! BEWARE ALL!
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Old 09-20-2001, 01:28 AM   #7
SSJ4Sephiroth
Beholder
 

Join Date: May 4, 2001
Location: The Outside Looking In
Age: 30
Posts: 4,361
well crimson, your questions are easily answered by other parts of the book (earlier, of course)
Wolffe saw that sword as a great challenge, Ted is a mercenary, im not sure why i did that but he got his arms out to block, and they were actually hidden body guards (im still not sure why they didnt do anything... guess they were ordered not to do anything once he got the money)

------------------
It's simple. Once the Planet is hurt, it gathers Spirit Energy to heal the injury. The amount of energy gathered depends on the size of the injury...What would happen if there was an injury that threatened the very life of the Planet? Think how much energy would be gathered! Ha, ha, ha. And at the center of that injury, wil be me. All that boundless energy will be mine. By merging with the energy of the Planet, I will be come a new life form, a new existence. Melding with the Planet, I will cease to exist as I am now. Only to be reborn as a 'God' to rule over every living soul.


Super Sephiroth, slayer of the Uber Fluffy, and battle co-ordionator and defender of the HADB clan.

Follower of the mighty Fallen Paladin himself.

Diplomacy is all and well, but HADB is better!
SSJ4Sephiroth is offline  
Old 09-23-2001, 05:16 AM   #8
Kaz
Thoth - Egyptian God of Wisdom
 

Join Date: August 16, 2001
Location: UK
Posts: 2,891
Weell... the last part sounds like me all right (short temper) . Wish I was that strong, though. I look forward to reading the rest of your book!

------------------


Kazara

Sapphire Dragoness of ALSB
Waitress at Cloudy's Cafe
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Old 09-24-2001, 05:45 AM   #9
AzureWolf
20th Level Warrior
 

Join Date: May 3, 2001
Location: .
Age: 34
Posts: 2,762
Ahhh it sounds just like me

------------------

"I was born of darkness. My fathers eyes closed before mine opened. I am not of this world or the other, and I have the right to be what I am..."
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