The Clinton Memoirs

John D Harris · 09-07-2001, 11:32 PM

William Jefferson Clinton will fetch a handsome $10 million+ to write his
memoirs, but only if he completes the manuscript. Already, we have inside
information that he's struggling with the first paragraph:

1st DRAFT: Once upon a time, on a girl called Hope... (crumple, crumple)

2nd DRAFT: Once upon a time, in a town called Hope, I was looking for a place
to dispose of Vince Foster's body... (crumple, crumple)

3rd DRAFT: Be honest. You know why you purchased this book. You want juicy
details about the defining episodes of my presidency. Well, you've come to
the right place, because starting here, in Chapter One, I will reveal
everything I know about my attempts to broker a lasting peace in Northern
Ireland and the Middle East... (crumple, crumple)

4th DRAFT: As I sit here in my Harlem office, smoking a fine Cuban cigar...
(crumple, crumple)

5th DRAFT: My close friend Lani Guinier... (crumple, crumple)

6th DRAFT: My close friend George Stephanopoulos... (crumple, crumple)

7th DRAFT: My close friend Webb Hubbell... (crumple, crumple)

8th DRAFT: Are you an attractive female between the ages of 18 and 35 years
old, and looking to meet a
well-connected gentleman friend? (crumple, crumple)

9th DRAFT: Monica. If you're reading this, please call. (crumple, crumple)

10th DRAFT: I still can't believe she kept the dress. (crumple, crumple)

11th DRAFT: Hey, Starr. How much did Knopf pay for YOUR memoirs? In Your
Face! (crumple, crumple)

12th DRAFT: Inhale? Shoot. I practically swallowed the whole... (crumple,
crumple)

13th DRAFT: This is the story of great love affair between a dashing young
president and his ruthlessly
ambitious shrew of a wife... (crumple, crumple)

14th DRAFT: Ruth Bader Ginsberg makes me hot. (crumple, crumple)

15th DRAFT: It was a night to remember. Barbara Streisand was bouncing on the
trampoline in the
Lincoln Bedroom while Ted Kennedy was sprawled in the corner drinking a
32-ounce Singapore Sling. That's
when I realized we needed to bomb that aspirin factory. (crumple, crumple)

16th DRAFT: I'm just going to dodge this draft. (crumple, crumple)

17th DRAFT: Economy good. The End. (hummmm... maybe. Naw. crumple, crumple)

18th DRAFT: It's tough to write a memoir when you're not sure what the
meaning of "was" was. (crumple,
crumple)

19th DRAFT: Remember when I saved Haiti? Nobody ever talks about that.
(crumple, crumple)

20th DRAFT: During the darkest days of my presidency, when my moral failings
were exposed to the world, I
sought spiritual counsel from the good Rev. Jesse Jacks... (crumple, crumple)

Where's that gal who wrote Hillary's memoirs?

------------------

"the memories of a man in his old age,
are deeds of a man in his prime"

Sir Taliesin · 09-07-2001, 11:54 PM

GOOD ONE! Here's one I enjoyed today especially numbers 20, 13, 12 and 1

The World's Shortist Books

20. The Things I love about Bill by Hillary Rodham Clinton
19. Things I Wouldn't Do For Money by Dennis Rodman
18. Human Rights Advances In China
17. The Differences Between Reality And Dilbert
16. To All The Men I've Loved Before Ellen DeGeneres
15. My Plan To Find The Real Killers by OJ Simpson
14. Strom Thurmond: Intelligent Quotes
13. Al Gore: The Wild Years
12. Beauty Tips by Janet Reno
11. Everything Men Know About Women
10. Everything Women Know About Men
9. The Amish Phone Book
8. America's Most Popular Lawyers
7. Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
6. Detroit - A Travel Guide
5. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
4. French Hospitality
3. Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
2. One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
1. The Book Of Virtue by Bill Clinton

------------------
Sir Taliesin

If they take my gun can I still use my Axe?

Grand-Ranger · 09-07-2001, 11:58 PM

LOL! Pricless, both of them!

------------------

So if in the forest look behind you, because that where the ranger is going to be

The ranger looked at the place out side of the elven town near the river, he looked near the rocks, then they showed the way ....

Grand-Jester of Laghing Hyenas
Currently in service for the Red Wizards

[This message has been edited by Grand-Ranger (edited 09-07-2001).]

John D Harris · 09-08-2001, 03:06 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Sir Taliesin:
GOOD ONE! Here's one I enjoyed today especially numbers 20, 13, 12 and 1

The World's Shortist Books
7. Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
2. One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA

LMAO those are my favorites.... Hey wait a minute I am a Liberal Arts Major
ROLL TIDE

------------------

"the memories of a man in his old age,
are deeds of a man in his prime"

onthepequod · 09-08-2001, 08:46 PM

ROFL!!!

Thanks for the laughs you two!

------------------

Blade · 09-08-2001, 08:59 PM

World's longest book

All my crimes and corupt political adventures revealed
By Bill Clinton and Co.

Good ones world shortest books

------------------

Many blades cut wether they are made from mettle or wood, but the sharpest and deadlyist blade it the one of knowledge.

Ladyzekke · 09-08-2001, 09:06 PM

ROTFL Mr. Harris! As usual

Your taste in humor is something to behold LOL!

10th DRAFT: I still can't believe she kept the dress. (crumple, crumple)

LOL, I can't believe she didn't bother to even wash it!

------------------

Blade · 09-08-2001, 09:08 PM

ROFLMAO, she probably didn't wash it so she could use it as evidence later.

------------------

Many blades cut wether they are made from mettle or wood, but the sharpest and deadlyist blade it the one of knowledge.

Sir Taliesin · 09-08-2001, 11:19 PM

Evidence Hell! I bet she went home and put it on after work, to remember that special moment!

------------------
Sir Taliesin

If they take my gun can I still use my Axe?

Blade · 09-08-2001, 11:58 PM

you might be right she liked it so much she had do it again in her imagination lol

Edit(s) trying to make it turn color.
------------------

Many blades cut despite if they are made from mettle or wood, but the sharpest and deadlyist blade it the one of knowledge.

[This message has been edited by Blade (edited 09-08-2001).]

[This message has been edited by Blade (edited 09-09-2001).]

[This message has been edited by Blade (edited 09-09-2001).]

[This message has been edited by Blade (edited 09-09-2001).]

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09-07-2001, 11:32 PM	#1
John D Harris Ninja Storm Shadow Join Date: March 27, 2001 Location: Northport,Alabama, USA Age: 63 Posts: 3,577	William Jefferson Clinton will fetch a handsome $10 million+ to write his memoirs, but only if he completes the manuscript. Already, we have inside information that he's struggling with the first paragraph: 1st DRAFT: Once upon a time, on a girl called Hope... (crumple, crumple) 2nd DRAFT: Once upon a time, in a town called Hope, I was looking for a place to dispose of Vince Foster's body... (crumple, crumple) 3rd DRAFT: Be honest. You know why you purchased this book. You want juicy details about the defining episodes of my presidency. Well, you've come to the right place, because starting here, in Chapter One, I will reveal everything I know about my attempts to broker a lasting peace in Northern Ireland and the Middle East... (crumple, crumple) 4th DRAFT: As I sit here in my Harlem office, smoking a fine Cuban cigar... (crumple, crumple) 5th DRAFT: My close friend Lani Guinier... (crumple, crumple) 6th DRAFT: My close friend George Stephanopoulos... (crumple, crumple) 7th DRAFT: My close friend Webb Hubbell... (crumple, crumple) 8th DRAFT: Are you an attractive female between the ages of 18 and 35 years old, and looking to meet a well-connected gentleman friend? (crumple, crumple) 9th DRAFT: Monica. If you're reading this, please call. (crumple, crumple) 10th DRAFT: I still can't believe she kept the dress. (crumple, crumple) 11th DRAFT: Hey, Starr. How much did Knopf pay for YOUR memoirs? In Your Face! (crumple, crumple) 12th DRAFT: Inhale? Shoot. I practically swallowed the whole... (crumple, crumple) 13th DRAFT: This is the story of great love affair between a dashing young president and his ruthlessly ambitious shrew of a wife... (crumple, crumple) 14th DRAFT: Ruth Bader Ginsberg makes me hot. (crumple, crumple) 15th DRAFT: It was a night to remember. Barbara Streisand was bouncing on the trampoline in the Lincoln Bedroom while Ted Kennedy was sprawled in the corner drinking a 32-ounce Singapore Sling. That's when I realized we needed to bomb that aspirin factory. (crumple, crumple) 16th DRAFT: I'm just going to dodge this draft. (crumple, crumple) 17th DRAFT: Economy good. The End. (hummmm... maybe. Naw. crumple, crumple) 18th DRAFT: It's tough to write a memoir when you're not sure what the meaning of "was" was. (crumple, crumple) 19th DRAFT: Remember when I saved Haiti? Nobody ever talks about that. (crumple, crumple) 20th DRAFT: During the darkest days of my presidency, when my moral failings were exposed to the world, I sought spiritual counsel from the good Rev. Jesse Jacks... (crumple, crumple) Where's that gal who wrote Hillary's memoirs? ------------------ "the memories of a man in his old age, are deeds of a man in his prime"

09-07-2001, 11:54 PM	#2
Sir Taliesin Silver Dragon Join Date: March 4, 2001 Location: Knoxville, TN USA Age: 61 Posts: 1,641	GOOD ONE! Here's one I enjoyed today especially numbers 20, 13, 12 and 1 The World's Shortist Books 20. The Things I love about Bill by Hillary Rodham Clinton 19. Things I Wouldn't Do For Money by Dennis Rodman 18. Human Rights Advances In China 17. The Differences Between Reality And Dilbert 16. To All The Men I've Loved Before Ellen DeGeneres 15. My Plan To Find The Real Killers by OJ Simpson 14. Strom Thurmond: Intelligent Quotes 13. Al Gore: The Wild Years 12. Beauty Tips by Janet Reno 11. Everything Men Know About Women 10. Everything Women Know About Men 9. The Amish Phone Book 8. America's Most Popular Lawyers 7. Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors 6. Detroit - A Travel Guide 5. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches 4. French Hospitality 3. Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette 2. One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA 1. The Book Of Virtue by Bill Clinton ------------------ Sir Taliesin If they take my gun can I still use my Axe?

09-07-2001, 11:58 PM	#3
Grand-Ranger Galvatron Join Date: March 29, 2001 Location: Everywhere I wanna go its already where I am,cause I am already there Posts: 2,130	LOL! Pricless, both of them! ------------------ So if in the forest look behind you, because that where the ranger is going to be The ranger looked at the place out side of the elven town near the river, he looked near the rocks, then they showed the way .... Grand-Jester of Laghing Hyenas Currently in service for the Red Wizards [This message has been edited by Grand-Ranger (edited 09-07-2001).]

09-08-2001, 08:46 PM	#5
onthepequod Quintesson Join Date: April 6, 2001 Location: two leagues down Posts: 1,081	ROFL!!! Thanks for the laughs you two! ------------------

09-08-2001, 08:59 PM	#6
Blade Emerald Dragon Join Date: March 12, 2001 Location: spokane wa usa Age: 41 Posts: 926	World's longest book All my crimes and corupt political adventures revealed By Bill Clinton and Co. Good ones world shortest books ------------------ Many blades cut wether they are made from mettle or wood, but the sharpest and deadlyist blade it the one of knowledge.

09-08-2001, 09:06 PM	#7
Ladyzekke Ironworks Atomic Moderator Join Date: January 7, 2001 Location: Virginia, U.S.A. Age: 58 Posts: 9,005	ROTFL Mr. Harris! As usual Your taste in humor is something to behold LOL! 10th DRAFT: I still can't believe she kept the dress. (crumple, crumple) LOL, I can't believe she didn't bother to even wash it! ------------------

09-08-2001, 09:08 PM	#8
Blade Emerald Dragon Join Date: March 12, 2001 Location: spokane wa usa Age: 41 Posts: 926	ROFLMAO, she probably didn't wash it so she could use it as evidence later. ------------------ Many blades cut wether they are made from mettle or wood, but the sharpest and deadlyist blade it the one of knowledge.

09-08-2001, 11:19 PM	#9
Sir Taliesin Silver Dragon Join Date: March 4, 2001 Location: Knoxville, TN USA Age: 61 Posts: 1,641	Evidence Hell! I bet she went home and put it on after work, to remember that special moment! ------------------ Sir Taliesin If they take my gun can I still use my Axe?

09-08-2001, 11:58 PM	#10
Blade Emerald Dragon Join Date: March 12, 2001 Location: spokane wa usa Age: 41 Posts: 926	you might be right she liked it so much she had do it again in her imagination lol Edit(s) trying to make it turn color. ------------------ Many blades cut despite if they are made from mettle or wood, but the sharpest and deadlyist blade it the one of knowledge. [This message has been edited by Blade (edited 09-08-2001).] [This message has been edited by Blade (edited 09-09-2001).] [This message has been edited by Blade (edited 09-09-2001).] [This message has been edited by Blade (edited 09-09-2001).]

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