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Old 02-02-2001, 07:42 PM   #1
Charlie
Lord Ao
 

Join Date: March 3, 2001
Location: London, England
Age: 24
Posts: 2,021
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LADEEEEZ ANDAH GENTELEMENS.

ROLL UP ROLL UP

CHARLIES "LOOK AT THE SHITE I'M LEFT WITH" STORE IS NOW OPEN FOR YOUR PERUSAL. PLEASE FEEL FREE TO HANDLE THE GOODS AND COMPARE TO ANY CRAP THAT YOU MAY HAVE ACCUMULATED. NEVER HAS SUCH A POOR SHOPPING EXPERIENCE BEEN BOUGHT TO THE PUBLIC AT SUCH A HIGH PRICE. ALL ITEMS HAVE BEEN DUG FROM THE BOWELS OF THE ADVENTURERS BAG AND ARE UNCLAIMED BY THEIR MURDERED FORMER OWNERS. CHARLIES STORE OF TOTALLY SHITE AND USELESS ACCUMULATED PAPERWORK IS UNLIKELY TO OPEN DUE TO THE TYPING INVOLVED.

YOU CAN BID FOR ITEMS, MAKE OFFERS AND SUGGESTIONS AS TO HOW TO PUT AN ITEM TO GOOD USE, IF THEY MAKE ME LAUGH ENOUGH I'LL PRETEND TO SEND THE ITEM TO YOU. PLEASE KEEP YOUR RECEIPTS AND BE AWARE THAT THIEVES OPERATE IN THIS STORE AT ALL TIMES. COUNT YOUR CHANGE BEFORE LEAVING AS MISTAKES WILL ONLY BE LAUGHED ABOUT FOR ABSOLUTELY AGES.

ROLL UP, ROLL UP

THE STORE OF TOTALLY USELESS SHITE IS OPEN.


CHARLIES INCREDIBLY SHITE SPECIALS -

FESTULE THE ALCHEMISTS POTION - Not sure about this one - Offers.
SHORT SWORD OF BACKSTABBING - Careful you don't get stabbed back - offers.
SHADOW DRAGON WARDSTONE - All your Dragon problems solved - will swap for almost anything.
LOCK OF JAHEIRAS HAIR - Hmmm, curly watch spring consistency, very rough, ok to remove rust from your sword - offers.
PATROL LEADERS HELMET - Not sure who castrated the patrol leader...eh,..oh..err, helmet.. for the wearing of - offers.
JANSEN TECHNO GLOVES - Like Techno music..Jan did. Gloves for the wearing of. Will px for two swedes and a turnip.
EMPTY POTION BOTTLE - Incredible invention. Put your choice of potion in it. Can't believe no-ones thought of it before.
CONTROL CIRCLET X2 - Bladder problems? Losing control? Not no more. Tremendous innovation.- Serious offers only.
PIECE OF RED CLOTH - Angry bull trouble, might as well wind the f****r up properly then. Great fun.- Serious offers only.
CORRUPTED TADPOLES - Brilliant fun. Will accept bribes and look the other way. A great way to piss off frog policemen.Offers.
BRACERS OF BINDING - Never seen em, couldn't get em out of the bag. Won't tie you down to a price for these. Offers.
FAKE REBELS HEART - Everything about this is fake...it's a lung. offers.
FAKE DRAGONS EGGS - Sit on em & for around 200 yrs..lo & behold your very own fake dragon. (May resemble a Newt) Offers.
TREE OF LIFE NUTS - Believe that...Believe anything. Jack & the Beanstalk was bollox too. Acorns from honest Charlies.
ELVEN HOLY WATER - Not now. Drunk it, refilled with finest bogwater. Beware of small particles. Will swap for raw sewage.
BRINE POTION X2 - Dunno who Brian is but we got two of his potions for sale - Stinks. Long distance offers only.
ANKHEG SHELL X2 - Started life as Ankheg omelettes but we got hungry. All we got left is the shells. Offers.
STAFF OF CURING - May be the staff of pickling, they got muddled in transit. You pays yer money...will swap for stick.
PIXIE PRICK +3 - Poor Pixie huh. +3 is its... erm.. extension. Supplied with rubber gloves. Don't tell Mrs Pixie.
DEMON HEART X2 - Didn't know they had one eh.... They ain't now. offers.
MONTARONS BODY - We asked if he wanted it but he didn't reply so we're selling it for him. Will px for stuffed parrot.
WORN OUT BOOTS - No more new boot blisters. We've taken the leg work out of breaking in these new boots for you. offers.
ILITHID SERUM - Sick Ilithid in the family....This'll kill him stone dead. You're Ilithid nursing problems solved. offers.
MELTHIDS HARP - Total mystery. Lugged this about for months. Send Melthid round, I wanna kick his arse. offers of violence.
WOODEN STAKE - Only available in medium rare and well done. Personally I wooden buy them. Will px for a T bone.
DOG BONES X2 - Fido poorly. Insert these skeletal remnants in his backside and he'll be up and running around in no time.
HAND OF DACE - A fun if somewhat smelly bathtime addition. Novelty loofah from honest Charlies. offers.
REBELS ORB - Supplied with now un-needed Rebels monacle. Will swap for broken specs.
WAVE SHAFT - Sexually explicit and I've never tried a wave shaft. Supplied with manual. Will px for Karma Sutra.
HELMET - definitely for the wearing of. 1gp.
STAFF - Short staffed? Not any more. Your own team of poorly paid professionals ready to go. Ok ok... it's a stick. offers.
COAL - Rub two pieces together.....instant fire. We couldn't get it to work but we know it burns. Will accept matches in px.
PIPE - Assorted. Smoking, lead, copper and drain...all available at honest Charlies. offers.



CHARLIES VERY SHITE INDEED BOOK DEPARTMENT -

VAMPIRICUS OMNIBUS: UNABRIDGED - Get your teeth into this. A mighty tome yet completely non understandable. px for dentures.
UMAR WITCH PROJECT JOURNAL - Which witch, which project? We've no idea. Nor will you have. Confusing fun for all.
HISTORY OF THE RED RAVENS - Started life as black ones but upset us. Title modified accordingly, sudden ending involved.
HISTORY OF THE ZHENTARIM - Never heard of em, have you. Free.... for a large cash donation.
BOOK OF KING STROHM III - Parts I & II are missing. The start & middle were shit anyway. This is the best of the trilogy.
HISTORY OF THE DROW X2 - Two part book. History before and after I met them. Part two is rather thin and empty. offers.
CONJUR OTA SERVANTA - Another mystery. Something about conjuring up servants we think. Will swap for any form of smut.
GOLEM BUILDING BOOK - Want that conservatory built. Let your Golem read this. He'll be out building in all weathers.
DEA VAMPIR BELOMOS - What's with these cultured vampires. Biting necks and garlic fearing is a vampires job. Not reading.
TOME OF AMAUNATOR - No pictures at all. Boring read. Will swap for smutty video or old newspapers.
MERELLAS JOURNAL - Very boring as well. Will swap for Lellyns Journal.
ORCISH COOKBOOK - Ever wanted to cook an Orc? This book shows you how to make the most of those orc leftovers. 101 recipes.
LELLYNS JOURNAL - Very, very boring indeed. Will swap for Merellas Journal.



CHARLIES SHITE & TOTALLY USELESS KEY SALE - SALE NOW ON....SALE NOW ON....SALE NOW ON....SALE NOW ON....SALE NOW ON.

SHADOW THIEF CELLAR KEY - Sorry, someones stolen this one from us. Reward available.
MAEVARS STRONG BOX KEY - It was a strong box too. Could support the weight of an elephant....for a second. Item obsolete.
PLANAR PRISON CELL KEY - Won't get you in, won't let you out. Rib tickling bemusement for any silly enough to attempt it.
FIRKRAGG PRISON KEY - He don't need it, we don't want it. Be the envy of your friends with a dead dragons key. offers.
TRADEMEET TOMB KEY - People were dying to get in here, most have. Be the life & soul of any tomb with this key.
GUILDHOUSE KEY - Novelty key with door still attatched. We booted it down when it wouldn't open.
GALVENAS KEY - Had it for six months, Galvena never claimed it. Charlies Key now. Could be yours too....offers.
CHAPEL KEY - Brothers, sisters...let us pray...... That someone is silly enough to buy it from us....Amen. offers.
SEWER KEY - Completely unloseable due to the stench. Leave at home if going on a thieving spree. offers.
GAALS KEY - Galls us to know that we've got it, now you can have it too. offers.
KEEP KEY - That's what it said....so we did. You can keep it at a very reasonable but extortionate price. offers.


CHARLIES UTTERLY SHITE CHEAP LOOKING JEWELLERY DEPARTMENT -

KURTULMAKS CRYSTAL SHARD - If you knew where on Kurtulmak we extracted this from you wouldn't want it. So we won't tell you.
CHUNK OF ILITHIUM ALLOY - A particularly fine example of rusted shite craftsmanship. Warning...turns skin green.offers.
DENNIS' MOTHERS GONG - We thought he said Dennis' mothers gone. Now the gong has. Aromatic tinware at it's poorest. offers.
SYMBOL OF AMAUNATOR - Sadly all that remains of the legendary Drum Kit of Amaunator. Sounds shite, looks worse. offers.
GALVENAS MEDALLION - Nope, it's Charlies. Legally stolen and constantly fenced. Ask my lawyer. Offers.
RING OF CLUMSINESS - Sold this loads of times. Usually dropped within seconds of purchase. My favourite floggable item.
ADAMANTINE DUST X2 - Dust collection looking old? Naval fluff a bit dank? Liven up your useless dust collection with this.
HARPER AMULET - Annoy your friendly neighbourhood Harpers by committing atrocities and gloating in this tacky accessory.
MITHRIL TOKEN - Take token to your local Mithril store & exchange for the Mithrilware of your choice. Limited outlets.
ANARGS CUP - Exclusive item. He lost it and died of thirst. Make sure you don't. First come, first served. Limited stock.
LIGHT GEM - Not to be confused with the heavy gem of a totally different name. Not worth a carrot, but we'll accept one.
PENDANT - Loose terminology applied here, very very loose in fact. Look a total tit when wearing this out. offers.



THIS IS A STORE ANNOUNCEMENT - THIS POOR QUALITY CRAPHOLE WILL BE CLOSING VERY SHORTLY. IF YOU'VE FAILED TO PURCHASE OR PURLOIN ANY OF OUR VERY LOW QUALITY MERCHANDISE ON THIS OCCASION THEN PLEASE FEEL FREE TO COME BACK TOMMORROW AND ATTEMPT AGAIN. ALL STOCK MUST GO....I REPEAT..ALL STOCK MUST GO. PLEASE LET ALL THE STOCK GO....PLEASE.

ALTERNATIVELY PLEASE ENTER YOUR BIDS AND SUGGESTIONS, WHICH I HASTEN TO ADD WILL BE TREATED WITH ABSOLUTELY NO CONFIDENTIALITY WHATSOEVER IN THE BIDS, ABUSIVE COMMENTS AND FUNNY SUGGESTIONS SECTION DIRECTLY BELOW THIS PAGE.

I THENKYOH.
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Old 02-02-2001, 07:56 PM   #2
Ladyzekke
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Laughing my a** off is an understatement Charlie!! Many of us voted you on another thread as the "funniest" be had no idea that you hadn't even brought out the good stuff!! This is priceless!! Yes, I'm still laughing (I don't think I can stop)! Err, psst, how much was that Wave Shaft? (cough)
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Old 02-02-2001, 08:03 PM   #3
Armisael
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LOL, Charlie.
Just don't bother with the pixie prick, zekke. Not to mention the tree of life nuts.
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Old 02-02-2001, 08:14 PM   #4
Lord of Alcohol
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Well Charlie, I'm glad you opened up! My main interest is the Pixie Prick +3 due to certain, shall we say shortcummings of a certain body part of mine that could use some ummmm.... enhancement. +3 would do the trick yep. Since I'll have to try out my new uhhhh Pixie Prick I think I'll also need a couple of the Control Circlets. The need for for them is obvious as my reputation precedes me. Or I should say would precede me, if it was big enough. Thanks Charlie!!! Your the bestest!!!!

By the way OUTSTANDING store you've opened up!!!!! How long did it take to come up with all those shite products? Hats off!!!!
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Old 02-02-2001, 08:24 PM   #5
Ladyzekke
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Don't worry Armisael, I have no intention of buying the pixie prick. I have already been ripped off by that item in the past.
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Old 02-02-2001, 08:28 PM   #6
Armisael
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ROFL! Shut up, you're going to get me fired.
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Old 02-02-2001, 08:29 PM   #7
Lord of Alcohol
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LadyWendy, you mean it wont help me? Please dont tell me that Tears are streaming dowm my face I think they will short out the keyboard I gotta go
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Old 02-02-2001, 08:35 PM   #8
Armisael
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Hey, my girlfriend might like those 'bracers of binding'. Then again, I probably won't.
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Old 02-02-2001, 08:40 PM   #9
Charlie
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Join Date: March 3, 2001
Location: London, England
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The poor Pixie had it pulled off....err well not in that sense...errr well you'd have to ask Mrs Pixie on that score.
That prick has pricked many pixies without complaint in the past. I'm sure you'll have many happy hours playing with your new pixie prick(tm) and that if looked after correctly should give many minutes of satisfaction. All measurements are in mm btw. The illustration on the box may not resemble in any fashion the item that is inside.

If not totally delighted by your pixie prick(tm) purchase please return to the Pixie who donated it for a partial refund...I'm sure he'd love to have it back.
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Old 02-02-2001, 08:45 PM   #10
Ladyzekke
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Ok, Lord of Alcohol, I'll be generous and let you buy the Wave Shaft. I guess you want it more than I. You better take care of it though, no tight clothing of any kind. If I find out that you have mistreated it, I will have to report you to the People of Ethical Treatment of Wave Shafts, and you don't want that, you wouldn't believe what they'll throw at you on the streets!

So I'll step aside and let you bargain with Charlie on this one (he hasn't mentioned a price yet).
(I think my lungs just stuck together from laughing too much!)
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