Joke World 08-01-09

[Arvon]

Hot summer nights and not so cool joles.

Reaching the end of a job...
Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT what kind of a salary he was looking for.

"In the neighborhood of $140,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

"Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, fullmedical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years...say, a red Corvette?"

"Wow! Are you kidding?"

"Yeah, but you started it."

[Arvon]

On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"
To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"

[Arvon]

Is this the real life Andy Capp?

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/...pg?w=425&h=568

[Arvon]

A football coach walked into the locker room before a big game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we really need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play."The player agreed, so the coach looked into his eyes intently and asked, - "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this: What is two plus two?"The player thought for a moment and then answered, "4?" "Did you say 4?!" the coach exclaimed, excited that he had given the right answer.Suddenly, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"

[VulcanRider]

Regulations For Hunting Politicians (Bill to Regulate the Hunting and Harvesting of Politicians PC 370.00)

370.01 Any person with a valid instate rodent or snake hunting license may also hunt and harvest politicians for recreational and sport (noncommercial) purposes.

370.02 Taking of politicians with traps or dead-falls is permitted. The use of United States currency as bait, however, is prohibited.

370.03 The willful killing of politicians with a motor vehicle is prohibited, unless such vehicle is an ambulance being driven in reverse. If a politician is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead politician should be removed to the roadside, and the vehicle should proceed directly to the nearest car wash.

370.04 It is unlawful to chase, herd or harvest politicians from a power boat, helicopter or aircraft.

370.05 It is unlawful to shout "SEX!", "DRUGS!" or "FREE SCOTCH!" for the purposes of trapping politicians.

370.06 It is unlawful to hunt at Mercedes or Porsche dealerships, except on Wednesday afternoon.

370.07 It is unlawful to hunt politicians within 200 yards of courtrooms, health clubs, country clubs, or brothels.

370.08 If a politician gains elective office through unlawful means, it is not necessary to have a license to hunt, trap or possess the same.

370.09 It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a reporter, church member, donor, prostitute, drug dealer (or doctor while administering unlawful prescriptions), or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting politicians.

370.10 Bag and Possession Limits per day:
NO LIMIT except honest politicians are protected per the Endangered Species Act.

ARS 8007.21 It is illegal to take politicians with a moving vehicle unless there are no measurable skid marks at the kill site.

[Arvon]

Bill and Bob, two children, were sitting outside a clinic. Bill happened to be crying very loudly.

"Why are you crying?" Bob asked.

"I came here for a blood test," sobbed Bill.

"So? Are you afraid?"

"No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.

As Bob heard this, he immediately began crying profusely.

Astonished, Bill stopped his tears and asked Bob, "Why are you crying now?"

To which Bob replied, "I came for a urine test!"

[Arvon]

A mother was having dinner with her two young children when her three year old daughter asked her why there were two holes in your nose.Her four year old son quickly responded with, "So you can still breath when you pick your nose!"

[VulcanRider]

Well, A Girl Potato and A Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam.'

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.

When it was time, they told her about the facts of life..

They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.

Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!

But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.

She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland . And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries.

And when she went out west in the USA , they told her to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.

Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'

Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University ) so when she graduated she'd really be in the chips.

But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.

Tom Brokaw!!!

Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.

They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just... well he's just a...

Are you ready for this?

Are you sure?

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OK! Here it is!


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A COMMONTATER !!!

.

[Arvon]

One rainy Sunday afternoon, a young couple were on their way to their Church to get married. On the way there, their car lost control and slammed into a telephone pole – killing them both instantly.

The couple soon found themselves standing in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, welcoming them to Heaven. The young woman asks Peter if they could get married in Heaven, since their time on Earth was cut short. He replies that he’ll get back with them on that request.

A month later, St. Peter finds them and announces that they can – in fact – get arried in Heaven. To his suprise, the woman asks “Just wondering, if things don’t work out will we be able to get a divorce?”

With a stern look in his eye, Peter blurts out “Look lady, it took me a month to find a preacher up here… you really think I’m gonna find a lawyer?”

[Arvon]

Oldie...

A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey,you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife shoulder, and asks, "Honey, please...just one more time before die." She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could..." At this point the wife sits up and says,"Listen, I have to get up in the morning. You don't!"