Santa is a Woman

[Arvon]

Is Santa Clause is a Woman?

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.

Think about it. Christmas is a big, organised, warm, fuzzy, nurturing, social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.

Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
-Men can't pack a bag.
-Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
-Men would feel their masculinity is threatened, having to be seen with all those elves.
-Men don't answer their mail.
-Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
-Men aren't interested in stockings unless a woman is wearing them.
-Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
-Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men:
Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy.
Cupid flies around carrying weapons.
Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.
Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance!

[Callum Kerr]

And a woman would allow her physique to be described, even in jest, as a bowlful of jelly?

[Bruce The Aussie]

The stockings wheren't santas idea. they where actually used as primative santa traps. you see, a long, long, long time ago, maybe even as long ago as the early 80's (i'm 16, to me that was a very long time ago). people got bored and it started to be cool to catch santa. so some people made amazing designes and contraptions to capture santa claus. but the smart ones, knowing he's a real ladies man (some chicks dig sensative guys with beards), used stocking to lure him, and ensnare him. after getting caught again and again in these traps, luckily escaping before he got found, he decided to be really sarcastic and dump peoples presents in the stockings set to snare him. after many many many years (maybe even as much as three years) it became common place to hang up a stocking for your presents at christmas.
this story was created by me, mark langridge and may only be used with express permission from me, or any of my minions, or just about anybody else you might meet

i'm hoping my story will be spread around the world

also, do you think i used to many ,'s? [img]tongue.gif[/img]

[Arvon]

Hmmm I know a lady who live in London, north side of town...

[Draten-Master of Fire and Ice]

Thanx, Arvon, I needed that!!!!

And thanx, Bruce, for your, errm, contribution and no use as many 's as you want no one can stop you, hwuaaaaaagh!

[/)eathKiller]

well you have to remember Mrs. Clause does all the packing all Santa is is the delivery boy... Santa's popularity is based on the age-old concept that the messenger is to blame [img]tongue.gif[/img]

[Timber Loftis]

Anyone other than me notice the plethora of holiday decorations and comercials depicting Santa stuck in a chimney this year? I mean, I know it's a Jenny Craig world, but are we gonna put Santa on a diet?

[johnny]

The answer might be simpler than you think .... of course Santa's not a woman, he's gay.