Joke World 3-1-09

[Arvon]

While escaped, a convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it."

"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you are really cute!".

[Arvon]

A guy was duck hunting in Alabama when the park ranger walks up,

"Afternoon sir", the ranger says, "You got an Alabama duck hunting license"?

"Yes I do", the redneck replies.

The ranger picks up one of the ducks and sticks a finger up it's bum and takes a lick of his finger then says, "Sorry but this ducks from Georgia, you got a Georgia license?"

"Yes I do sir" , the redneck says,

So the ranger picks up another duck with the same results says, "well this duck is from Mississippi, you got a license from Mississippi?"

"Yes I do sir" the good ole boys says.

"Well dang son where you from?" the ranger says.

The old boy stands up turns around, drops his drawers and says:

"Well you tell me buddy!"

[Arvon]

A man swallowed a mouse while sleeping on the couch one day. His wife quickly called the doctor and said, "Doctor, please come quickly. My husband just swallowed a mouse and he's gagging and thrashing about.""I'll be right over," the doctor said. "In the meantime, keep waving a piece of cheese over his mouth to try to attract the mouse up and out of there."When the doctor arrived, he saw the wife waving a piece of smoked herring over her husband's mouth."Uhh, I told you to use cheese, not herring, to lure the mouse.""I know, doc," she replied, "but first I've got to get the darn cat out of him!"

[Arvon]

While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk.

"People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears," one says, "but we have no one to go to with our own problems."

"Since we're all professionals," another suggests, "why don't we hear each other out right now?"
They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually overbill my patients as often as I can."

The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me."

The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."

[Variol (Farseer) Elmwood]

Just Announced - IKEA to take over GMC


IKEA HAS ANNOUNCED IT'S INTENTION TO TAKE OVER GMC, AND TO SELL CARS. WE ARE IN DEEP SH..

[Bungleau]

LOL! I'll be renting out my assembly services...

[Arvon]

A man came hobbling into the doctor's waiting room, assisted by his wife. The poor bloke could hardly move. He was bent over and grimacing with pain as he shuffled along, his hands like two rigid claws.

The receptionist looked on sympathetically. "Oh dear," she said. "Arthritis with complications?"

"No," said the bloke's wife. "Do-it-yourself with concrete blocks."

[Arvon]

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."

"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"

"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."

[Arvon]

A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, “Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.” The biker pulled over and said, “Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.”

The Lord said, “Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for Me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.”

The biker thought about it for a long time Finally he said, “Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives. I want to know how she feels inside, what she’s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing’s wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy.”

The Lord replied, “You want two lanes or four on that bridge?.”

[Arvon]

A drunk had 14 shots of tequilla. After he decides to go home.

2 minutes later the drunk runs back in the bar. He asks the bartender for the phone, and the drunk calls 911, "Is there a problem, sir," asks the operator. "Yes," replies the drunk replies,"someone broke into my car, they stole the stearing wheel, the brake pedal, the accelerator and even the dashboard."

Minutes later police arrive on the scene.

The drunk goes up to the head officer and says, "nevermind, i got into the backseat by mistake."