Joke World 07-01-09

[Arvon]

A photographer, who was also a confirmed athiest, decided to go into the woods to get photos of the fall foliage.

It was a beautiful day....fall colors, birds chirping, babbling brook, and a gentle breeze rustling the leaves.

While snapping shots, the athiest heard a noise behind him, and whirled around to see a huge bear coming through the bushes. He dropped his camera and ran. And kept running....... and looking behind him, he noticed the bear was gaining on him. He was so scared that tears came to his eyes. He ran faster, but the bear was closing in on him. He ran faster yet, and tripped over a root. Rolling over onto his back, the athiest saw the bear rise to his full height and raise a huge paw...... and the athiest cried out, "Oh, God, no!"

And everything stopped. The birds stopped chirping. The brook stopped babbling. The gentle breeze stopped. And the bear froze with his paw in the air. And the athiest heard a booming voice say, "Young man. For years you doubted my very existance, but now that your life is in peril you call my name to help you. Why should I do so?"

And the athiest thought for a moment, and said, "Yes, you are right. If you are God, then it would be hypocritical of me to become a Christian at this point in my life. But, do you think that you could at least make the bear a Christian for today?" And the booming voice was quiet for a moment and then said, "Done."

And everything started again. The birds chirping, brook babbling, and gentle breeze rustling the leaves. And the bear slowly lowered his paw.

And the bear put his paws together, and bowed his massive head and said, "Dear Lord, please bless this food we are about to eat."

[Arvon]

There was a guy walking down the street in San Fransisco, and he tripped over an old looking oil lamp. He picked it up and hid it under his jacket, because he thought it was priceless. While he was running to the antique shop to cash this puppy in, it rubbed against his shirt. *POOF* A genie popped out of his pocket!!!
The very angry looking Genie said, ''Alright, I have had enough with this three wish stuff, and 'cuz you stole me away from my HBO Special, I will only give you one wish!''
The suprised man said, ''OK, I want to live in Hawaii in a huge condo on the beach with three million dollars in the master bedroom, but I am afraid of boats and planes so I want you to build a bridge from here to Hawaii.''
The genie replied with a smirk, ''Are you crazy? Do you know how long that will take, with the pillars going down to the bottom of the ocean, all the cement it would take for the highway? No I'm sorry, it just can't happen.''
The man said, ''Fine then, I want to understand women.''
The genie said, '' Would you like two lanes or four?''

[VulcanRider]

"You have to be careful when you register a domain name!" Here are some more confusable Internet domain names.

Site: KatieSwigs.com (Blog of a hard-drinkin' gal?)
Is really: KatiesWigs.com (Hand-made wigs for theatrical productions)

Site: TeacherStalk.com (Your boy's teacher keeps following him?)
Is really: TeachersTalk.com (Get your teaching credential from Walden University)

Site: AmericansCrapMetal.com (Support for those with iron-rich blood?)
Is really: AmericanScrapMetal.com (Texas metal recycler)

Site: BiGalsOnline.ca (Support for Canuck women who swing both ways?)
Is really: BigAlsOnline.ca (Big Al's aquarium supply in Canada)

Site: BlackHatebook.com (White supremacist site?)
Is really: BlackHatEbook.com (An ebook for "Black Hat" SEO tactics)

Site: Budget.co.ck (Discount male prostitution ring?)
Is really: Budget.co.ck (Budget Car Rental agency in the Cook Islands)

Site: LesboCages.com (For all your lesbian caging needs?)
Is really: LesBocages.com (French arborist, Les Bocages)

Site: NYCanal.com (For gays cruising the Big Apple?)
Is really: NYcanal.com (Travel info about New York's canals)

Site: SydneyTheRapist.com (Guy who brags about his leisure activities?)
Is really: SydneyTherapist.com (Woman sex therapist in Sydney, Australia)

Site: SpeedoFart.com (Explaining bubbles coming from competitive swimmers?)
Is really: SpeedOfArt.com ("Arty" British ad agency)

Site: LadRape.co.uk (British Man-Boy Love Association?)
Is really: LaDrape.co.uk (Quilted beadspread manufacturer)

Site: NoBJs.org (Uptight women sharing tips on not giving oral love?)
Is really: NOBJS.org (North of Boston Jewish Singles 40+ -- which is pretty much the same thing)

[Arvon]

This one was around not too long ago...

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the hospital director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital because she now is considered to be mentally stable. The director went to Edna and said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you're being discharged because you responded so rationally to a crisis by jumping in the pool to save the life of another patient. Your action displays soundness of the mind."

"The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. When can I go home?"

[Arvon]

On a bus station, an old lady got into a bus and said to the...
On a bus station, an old lady got into a bus and said to the driver,

"Sonny boy, I think I'm going to fall asleep during this long bus ride.

Can you wake me up when we get to New York?" The Driver replied, "Sure

thing." But later he forgot all about the old lady and only when he went 3

hours past New york he remembered that he had to wake her up. He felt

really sorry for the old lady so he decided to go all the way back to New

York and wake up the old lady and pretend like nothing happend. Even when

all the other passengers disagreed the driver didn't change his mind.



Finally when they got to New York. He woke up the old lady and the old

lady got up, looked inside her bag, took out a pill and ate it. Then she

said, "Thank you sonny boy! I always forget to take my medication in

time!" and went back to sleep again.

[Arvon]

On The Job Wisdom
1. If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.

2. The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

3. Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.

4. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings -- they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

5. A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.

6. If at first you don't succeed--try management.

7. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

8. Never quit until you have another job.

9. Hang in there: Retirement is only 30 years away!

10. Go the extra mile--It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

11. Pride, commitment, teamwork--words we use to get you to work for free.

12. Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.

13. There are two kinds of people in life: people who like their jobs, and people who don't work here anymore.

[Arvon]

A nervous young minister, new to the church, told the flock,
"For my text today, I will take the words, 'And they fed five
men with five thousand loaves of bread and two thousand
fishes.'"

A member of the flock raised his hand and said, "That's not
much of a trick. I could do that."

The minister didn't respond. However, the next Sunday he
decided to repeat the text. This time he did it properly,
"And they fed five thousand men with five loaves of bread and
two fishes." Smiling, the minister said to
the noisy man, "Could you do that, Mr. Perkins?"

The member of the flock said, "I sure could."

"How would you do it?" asked the minister.

"With all the food I had left over from last Sunday!"

[Arvon]

A little PG...


Banta and Preeto decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Mumbai. When they entered the hotel and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. Banta brushed her off."
Preeto objected, "That young woman was nice, and you were so rude."
"Preeto, she`s a prostitute."
"I don`t believe you. That sweet young thing?"
"Let`s go up to our room and I`ll prove it."
In their room, Banta called down to the desk and asked for that girl to come to room 326.
"Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?"
Soon, there was a knock on the door. Banta opened it and girl walked in, swirling her hips provocatively.
Banta asked, "How much do you charge?"
"Ten thousand basic rate, three thousand tips for special services."
Even Banta was taken aback. "Ten thousand !! I was thinking more in the range of two thousand." Girl laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price."
"Well," said Banta, "I guess we can`t do business. Goodbye."
After she left, Preeto came out of the bathroom. She said, "I just can`t believe it!"
Banta said, "Let`s forget it. We`ll go have a drink, then eat dinner."
At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, that girl came up behind Banta, pointed slyly at Preeto, and said, "See what you get for two thousand !"

[Arvon]

The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!"

"I don't know what you're talking about miss - that's just my pay check in my pocket."

"Oh really" she spat."then you must have some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour."

[Arvon]

PG...


An Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. "Say Mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm"?

"Because he was conceived during a mighty storm", she said.

Then he asked "Why is my sister named Cornflower"?

"Well your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her", she replied. He then asked "And why is my other sister called Moonchild"?

"We were watching the moon-landing when she was conceived", the mother replies.

The mother paused and said to her son... "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious"