Joke World 07-01-09
 

Bar's Open! Bring 'em on!

Oldie:

A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short.
The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me - is our youngest son my child?"

The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."

With that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

Re: Joke World 07-01-09
 

Re: Joke World 07-01-09
 

Why are married women heavier than single women? ~ Single women come home, see what's in the fridge
Why are married women heavier than single women? ~ Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Re: Joke World 07-01-09
 

Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest scaredy-cat.

The first kid says, "My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he hides underneath the bed."

The second kid replies,"Yeah? Well, that's nothing. My dad is so scared that when my mom has to work the nightshift, he sleeps with the lady next door."

Re: Joke World 07-01-09
 

Re: Joke World 07-01-09
 

A Scottish Solder in full dress uniform marches into a chemist.

Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds to reveal a condom.

The condom has a number of patches on it. The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.

“How much to repair it?” the Scot asks the chemist.

“Six pence,” says the chemist.

“How much for a new one?”

“Ten pence,”says the chemist.

The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.

A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout.

The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.

“The regiment has taken a vote,” he says.

“We’ll have a new one.”

Re: Joke World 07-01-09
 

<font size="+1"><b>* Defence Update *</b></font>

The <b>British</b> are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats in Islamabad and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon though,
security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.
Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The <b>French</b> government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender".
The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. <b>Italy</b> has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing".
Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".

The <b>Germans</b> also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

<b>Belgians</b>, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The <b>Spanish</b> are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

<b>Americans</b> meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies, just in case.

And ........

<b>New Zealand</b> has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the airforce being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes
and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bathtub), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Shut, I hope Austrulia will come end riscue iss".
In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position called "Bondi".

<b>Australia</b>, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and
"The barbie is cancelled". There has not been a situation yet that has warranted the use of the final escalation level.

Re: Joke World 07-01-09
 

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied

Re: Joke World 07-01-09
 

God, this is all so true! :D

Re: Joke World 07-01-09
 

No porkies told in these forums, WR2... well, not many, anyhow :heee: