Simple acts of kindness

[Masklinn]

Simple acts of kidness...what a nice thread [img]smile.gif[/img]

My Grand-Parents worked for the Salvation Army all their life. They worked a lot for homeless people of Paris. And they teached me a lot about them.

I usually, and almost on a daily basis (there are a lot of them in Paris unfortunately), take some minutes of my time to just talk with them whenever they ask me for something. You have no idea how much they need that. More than money, maybe even more than food, they need dignity, they need to feel "normal" again.

You have no idea how hard it is to be put aside of the society. To be treated as you were nothing, as you were inexistant, is way worse than being poor and hungry.

So I talk with them. They often lie of course, they live in their own world, and by living apart of the society, they often live apart of the reality. This is the saddest part I think. Their mind is usually more wounded than their body.
But that's why talking to them, listening to them, is more important than giving them some money.
And you can see right away the good it does to them.

But I sure wish I could do more...

[Melusine]

H-man, stop being such a bloody cynic will ya??
No seriously, I can see your point but I do think you are being cynical. Of course it's a good feeling to make someone happy, but WHY is it a good feeling? Because THEY are happy (and many people like others to be happy) not because you did something for them and you can now revel in your own goodness. C'mon, do you really think that way? Anyway, people often DO acts of charity that they don't tell people about... like I've heard about poor folks who found packets on their doorstep filled with foodstuffs left there by a friend, but that friend didn't tell them or anyone else about it. Sure you can take the cynical approach and think this was done so the benefactor could feel better about themselves, but there are many people who simply have a genuine craving to help others, and I can tell you the fact that other people are happy is a hell of a lot more important to them than making themselves feel good.
And yes, this thread in a way is a means of making people feel better - if you daily break your head about the bad aspects of the world like me, it's good to read some feel-good stories every now and then. Does that make the acts of kindness any less kind? No. Do I think most people do it out of a sense of moral gratification? No. If anything, that's a happy bonus. Sure there are people who can easily spare enough cash to donate to different charities, and who do this to alleviate their guilt... but that's not the kind of thing this thread is about anyway. You know, it could be something as simple as complimenting someone with their new shirt or haircut. To me that's a spontaneous thing - you notice someone has a great new look, you go "hey, that shirt looks good on you". I for one don't even have time to think "ooh yeah, giving this person a compliment will make me feel good and it will add to my daily quotum of doing nice things" before the comment's out.

Sorry for the long reply, it just bugs me that whenever altruism is brought up, there is always someone who goes "well there really isn't such a thing as true altruism is there? You wouldn't do it if it didn't make you feel good". What's with the emphasis on the fact that it makes one happy to help someone else? Doh, of course it makes you happy but that's not the *reason* why you do it is it?

[ 07-21-2003, 06:03 AM: Message edited by: Melusine ]

[Grojlach]

Mostly simple acts of kindness. A simple "good afternoon" or "good evening" accompanied by a smile whenever I encounter people in a not too busy street or in the park, helping people find directions as patiently and friendly as possible, offering seats in a overly filled bus to others, offering to help people with baby-trolleys, the already given example of casting smiles to store employees... I could name other, bigger and more detailed examples of simple kindness, but they're more exception than rule I suppose (for example mostly reserved for friends), in contrast to the above.

I don't know if there's any altruism at the basis if you use the "treat others like you wish to be treated yourself" principle (and regard that principle more in a "if everyone does it, the world would be a better place" rather than a selfish-need-for-kindness kind of way), but I agree with others that simple acts of kindness certainly won't make things any worse. It won't cost you anything, while the results may brighten someone's mood, even if it's only slightly. [img]smile.gif[/img]

[ 07-21-2003, 06:57 AM: Message edited by: Grojlach ]

[The Hierophant]

This thread seems to have brought out the best in people [img]smile.gif[/img]

Rokenn - You are truly the patron saint of all sofaless people who have no loose change in their glove compartments [img]graemlins/thumbsup.gif[/img]

Moiraine - You are a lady after my own heart. To separate the importance of one living thing from another is the height of arrogance. While the deaths of some are necessary for the survival of others, it is never necessary to bring undue suffering to the condemned, right? You sound as if you have proper respect for our fellow living, and for that you have my respect. You remind me of my mother, she loves sheltering strays as well [img]smile.gif[/img]

Masklinn - Keep up the good work. There are a saddeningly large number of destitute people in your otherwise beautiful city of Paris. I'm glad to know that at least one person does in fact think of them as people.

Melusine - Sarah dear, I meant what I said to be iinterpreted as questions, not as statements. In my teenage years I remember myself being an unjustifiably cruel person, both to those I should have loved as well as those I hated. It has only been in the past few years that I've started identifying and wrestling my demons. As a result, I hold this constant questioning of motive very dear indeed. It is how the benefactors are distinguished from the demagogues. I have little doubt that you are a kind and sensitive person, if nothing else you have proved it in what you say time and time again. I'm not so sure I possess that same quality of character, I want to, but I can't be sure as to whether I could. A few years ago I would not have thought twice about lying and offering false kindness to gain someone's confidence and trust if I stood to profit somehow, but after having that bring nothing but misery to everyone involved for years, I try to resist those temptations. But it is hard...

Groj - Common decency goes a long way huh? The thing is, if every did do as you then the world would be a better place, at least as far as us humans are concerned. But I guess there will always be those willing to exploit a helping hand for personal benefit. But that can never be cause for giving up on doing good now can it? For all the potency of selfish malevolence, it is only simple kindnesses that have ensured the survival of the human race throughout it's history wouldn't you agree? All in it together huh? Even if there are some that arn't aware of it yet...

[ 07-21-2003, 08:02 AM: Message edited by: The Hierophant ]

[Cerek the Barbaric]

A very good topic, Melusine. [img]graemlins/thumbsup.gif[/img] This the kind of thread I love to read and reply to.

I have to be honost and admit I was a rather selfish person through my high school years. I was short, skinny, and not overly popular so I didn't really care about making others happy. But age brings maturity and I changed quite a bit during my college years. I thoroughly enjoy doing small, random acts of kindness for friends and strangers alike. In college, I went to visit one my good friends that was attending a different college. On the way, I stopped and bought a poster of the Lamborghini Countach (our dream car at that time {1981}).

When I met my future college roommate, we became instant friends and were practically inseparable. One of our favorite things to do was to stop anytime we saw a motorist on the side of the road. We had both been stranded ourselves and stood there as literally dozens of cars just drove on by us. I've worked in a convenience store and fast-food restaurant also, so I always try to be pleasant and patient with the person on the other side of the counter. But one of my most gratifying acts of kindness was one that came full circle, even though I didn't expect ANY type of "payback" or reward.

It was during my years at college. I had decided to stay at school for the weekend instead of coming home, which meant I had to do my own laundry. We only had two washers and two dryers in our dorm. When I got downstairs, one washer was open (which was all I needed), but both dryers were full. No problem, I thought. They'll be done long before I need them. Well, they were, but nobody had come down to empty the machines when my clothes were done. There was a table in the laundry for folding the clothes and the unwritten Rule of Etiquette was that you could remove clothes from a dryer if (a)they were completely dry, and (b) you placed them neatly on the table. I did that, then I suddenly decided "What the heck". Instead of leaving this guy's clothes spread out on the table, I decided "Why not go ahead and fold them for him?" So I did. I admit that my roommate and I got a good feeling from doing it and we also got a good laugh trying to imagine the look on the guys face when he comes to get his clothes and finds them all neatly folded.

I didn't think too much more about it after that. After all, it wasn't like I ever expected to meet the guy. The following year, my roommate and I started playing Dungeons' & Dragons with another good friend of mine from high school. I also got to be good friends with his roommate. He knew my friend and my roommate because they had a lot of the same classes, but I was taking a different major, so I hadn't met the guy that often. During the year, we all became very good friends. One night, we were sitting in my friends room eating pizza and my roommate mentioned the laundry we had folded the year before. We both started laughing again about the look on the guys face. When my buddy said "What are you guys talking about", I told him the full details of what we had done. Suddenly, his roommate looked at us and said "Guys, you aren't going to believe this...but last year, I had done a load of laundry. I got busy and didn't get down in time to take them out of the dryer. When I DID finally get down there, I found all my clothes sitting on the table - neatly folded!"

What I had originally thought would be a random act of kindness ended up coming full circle to strengthen the bonds of a growing friendship.

[Spelca]

Originally posted by Melusine: Since I want this topic to be a little bit more than just a place to give examples of SAK, could you maybe say why you've had such a strong conviction to help people since you were so young? I mean, children are not always very concerned with such things, most people only learn at a later age that they might be required to help others.

I really don't know why I did it. I just had to. I've always been taught to help others, and that's what I did. And I've always liked helping, because you meet so many interesting people and you learn a lot. I've never really seen it as hard work. [img]smile.gif[/img] I enjoy doing it.

[Moiraine]

Wow Cerek, that is an amazing story !

[Donut]

The 16 year old daughter of a female work colleague got dumped by her first boyfriend a few days before Valentines Day. She was devasted so I sent her a Valentine's card from an "anonymous admirer". The effect was amazing, she suddenly became very positive about herself etc.

The best thing was that this act of kindness on my part got me well in with her Mother, which after all was the main reason for doing it. Oh Shit! I wasn't being altruistic at all really! Bah!!

[Moiraine]

Originally posted by Donut: The 16 year old daughter of a female work colleague got dumped by her first boyfriend a few days before Valentines Day. She was devasted so I sent her a Valentine's card from an "anonymous admirer". The effect was amazing, she suddenly became very positive about herself etc. The best thing was that this act of kindness on my part got me well in with her Mother, which after all was the main reason for doing it. Oh Shit! I wasn't being altruistic at all really! Bah!!

Wish you had been around when I was 16 ! Exact same thing happened to me when I was 16 too - bugger ! Hadn't thought about it in years ...

Bah ... maybe now I can have a Valentine card too ? [img]tongue.gif[/img]

[Cerek the Barbaric]

Originally posted by Moiraine: Wow Cerek, that is an amazing story !

It just goes to show that you never know when the Circle of Kindness will come back to you. That's one of the reasons I enjoy doing these little acts. I admit it makes me feel good when I do them - if that's being altruistic, then so be it. But I also know that I'm bringing kindness and joy to another person, often at a time or a place when they don't expect it. If I do something nice for them (like letting them into traffic or allowing them to have a parking spot), then maybe they will remember that and do something nice for somebody else.

And sometimes the benefits of kindness can be immediate and long-lasting.

I mentioned how small (physically) I was in high school. There was one guy in particular that picked on me all the time trying to get me to fight him. It wasn't just random bullying; for some reason, this guy really didn't like me. He even went so far as to punch me in the stomach one day to try and make me fight back (I never did - it would have been short and very painful for me).

One day I'm driving home from school, and guess who I see broken down on the side of the road - yep, my high school nemesis. I have to admit feling a bit of sadistic glee at his plight at first, but then I remembered being stuck on the side of the road myself once before and how it felt to see everybody just drive on by. So - despite our history - I turned around and went back to offer him some help. I know absolutely nothing about fixing cars, so I couldn't do much, but that wasn't what was important. The important thing was that I stopped to make the offer. After that, he and I became good friends.

It reminded of a statement made by Abraham Lincoln once.
Someone asked him "How can you be so friendly towards your political enemies, when you'd rather destroy them."
Abraham Lincoln replied "If I make them my friend, have I not destroyed them as an enemy?"

That's a good lesson for all of us to learn and follow.