Joke World 05-01-10

[Arvon]

Morris walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just as it comes driving by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Dave."

"Who?"

"Dave Aronson. He's this guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave."

"There are always a few clouds over everyone," says Morris.

"Not Dave. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star."

"He was something, huh?"

"He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and I black out the whole neighborhood."

"No wonder you remember him."

"Well, I never actually met Dave."

"Then how do you know so much about him?" asks Morris.

"Because I married his widow."

[Arvon]

Old joke , different venue...


Fay Chester was a busy housewife with a demanding husband, six children and a large house. The only relief she got from her chores was the twice-a-week bridge game she shared with a dozen other women. The only flaw in the bridge club relationship was that Fay loved to tell off-color stories and the girls didn't want to hear them.

To teach Fay a lesson, the other women decided that the next time she told an off-color story, they'd just get up, walk out, meet at another home but without Fay.

Sure enough, at the next meeting, Fay started, "You know, girls, there's a rumor going around that a busload of prostitutes will be leaving in the morning for that big gold find up in Alaska, and they say...." Just then, the women all stood up and started for the door. Fay was disconcerted but only for a moment, then she understood what was going on and said, "Hey! Girls! Hold on, hold on! There's plenty of time 'cause the bus doesn't leave till morning!"

[Timber Loftis]

[Timber Loftis]

[Arvon]

A man takes the day off of work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron."

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone, so he tries again. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong; he puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits a birdie. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow! That's amazing! You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. Lucky frog. Lucky frog."

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think, frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood," was the reply. The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.

By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "Ok! Where to next?" The frog's reply: "Ribbit. Las Vegas."

The frog and the man go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "Ok, frog; now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3,000, black 6." Now, this is a million to one shot that this would win, but after the golf game, the man figures - what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit. Kiss Me". He figures, why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. So, he kisses the frog. All of a sudden, the frog turns into the most gorgeous 16 year old girl in the world.

"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room.

[Timber Loftis]

And the Darwin award goes to...

The discoverer of evolution made the evolutionarily unsound decision to marry his cousin. During his lifetime, Darwin wondered if marrying his first cousin, Emma Wedgwood, might have contributed to the poor health of their 10 children. Three of Darwin's children died before the age of 10; the rest were sickly and struggled to have their own children. In a new study, researchers at Ohio State used a specialized program to analyze genealogical data from the Darwin and Wedgwood families. They concluded that Darwin's children suffered from a moderate degree of inbreeding, and this fact was probably a factor in their bad health. Kind of puts a new spin on the old Darwin Awards.

[Arvon]

A bit PG...

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too! "

"What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says the woman.

"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I switched cocks," he replied.

She smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"

[Arvon]

A real oldie...

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary.

Their domestic tranquility had long been known about the
town, and on this very special occasion, a local newspaper
reporter paid them a visit.

He inquired as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well"...explained the husband..."it all goes all the way back to
our honeymoon, you see, we visited the Grand Canyon and we
took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule."

He continues..."well now, we hadn't gone too far when my wife's
mule stumbled, she quietly said...that's once."

"We proceeded a little further when the mule stumbled again and
my wife quietly spoke...that's twice."

"You know, that mule hadn't gone a half-mile when it stumbled a
third time."

My wife promptly removed a gun from her purse, hopped off the
beast, and shot the mule dead."

"I protested over her treatment of the mule, she slowly turned to
me and quietly said...that's once."

[VulcanRider]

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."

"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him.

By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.

No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it.

Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.

"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.

"No," says the tourist. "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer."

[Arvon]

Oldie...


A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line." "Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"