Joke World 08-01-09

[Arvon]

A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened.

The man said, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."

"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asked.

"Well," the man said, "I figured she didn't want it out, so I pushed it back in."

[Arvon]

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock at the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3:30 in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.

Then a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing on the porch. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"

"No, get lost! It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the front door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"

And the drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing."

[VulcanRider]

You Might Be in Emergency Medicine If:

# you believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.

# discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you.

# you have the bladder capacity of five normal people.

# you can identify the positive teeth to tattoo ratio.

# your idea of a good time is a cardiac arrest at shift change.

# you disbelieve 90% of what you are told and 75% of what you see.

# you have your weekends off planned a year in advance. (?? What's a weekend?)

# you believe that "Shallow Gene Pool" should be a diagnosis.

# you believe the government should require a permit to reproduce.

# you believe that unspeakable evil will befall you if the phrase "Wow, it's really quiet" is uttered.

# when someone calls you a bastard, you take it as a compliment.

# when you are out in public you compliment a complete stranger on their good veins.

# you have ever referred to someone's death as a transfer to the "Eternal Care Unit".

# you have ever referred to someone's death as a "Celestial Discharge".

# you refer to someone in respiratory distress as a "Smurf".

# your idea of a really good time is Duelling Defibrillators.

# you have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled "Suicide: Getting it Right".

[Arvon]

A bit PG...


A first-grade class is having a game of Name That Animal.
The teacher held up a picture of a cat.
"What animal is this?" she asked.
"A cat!" said Eddie.
"Good job! Now, what is this animal?"
"A dog!" said Eddie.
"Good! Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a
Deer. The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said,
"It's what your mom calls your dad."
"A horny bastard," called out Eddie.

[Arvon]

Oh God!

Writing in the February 1995 Journal of Clinical Psychiatry, two Wisconsin researchers concluded that nose-picking does not create problems for most people, but that for some the habit "may meet criteria for a disorder -- rhinotillexomania." Among their survey findings: 66.4 percent of pickers did it "to relieve discomfort or itchiness" (versus 2.1 percent for "enjoyment" and 0.4 percent for "sexual stimulation"); 65.1 percent used the index finger (versus 20.2 percent little finger and 16.4 percent thumb); and "Once removed, the nasal debris was examined, at least some of the time, by most respondents." [Journal of Clinical Psychiatry, February 1995]

[Arvon]

A truck driver frequently traveled through a small town where there was a courthouse at the side of the road. Of course, there were always lawyers walking along the road. The truck driver made it a practice to hit any pedestrian lawyers with his truck as he sped by. One day, he spotted a priest walking along the road and stopped to give him a ride. A little further along, as he approached the town, he spotted a lawyer walking along the side of the road. Automatically, he veered his truck towards the lawyer, but...then he remembered his passenger. He swerved back to the center, but he heard a "whump" and in the rear view mirror he spotted the lawyer rolling across the field. He turned to the priest and said, "Father, I'm sure that I missed that lawyer!" And the priest replied, "That's OK, my son, I got him with the door."

[Arvon]

A man asked an American Indian what was his wife’s name.

He replied, “She called Four Horse”.

The man said, “That’s an unusual name for your wife.

What does it mean?”

The Old Indian answered, “It old Indian Name.

It mean….

NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!”

[Arvon]

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit. "This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said the first one.

"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.

And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence.

"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half."

"Sounds good to me," said the first woman.

But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."

The wise King did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.

"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the King's court.

"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."

[Bungleau]

Heh. Nice one....

[Arvon]

A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.
The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark."

The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you."

The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?"

"Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said.

The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"