Old and new derangements

[John D Harris]

Lost Hat

A man spent days looking for his lost hat. Finally he
decided he'd go to church on Sunday and sit in the
back so during the services he could sneak out and
grab a hat from the rack at the front door. He went to
church the next Sunday and sat in the back. The
sermon was about the ten commandments.

He sat thru the whole service and instead of sneaking
out he waited until the sermon was over and went to
talk to the minister. "Father, I came here today to
steal a hat to replace the one lost, but after hearing
your sermon on the ten commandments I changed my mind."

The minister said, "Bless you my son. Was it when I
started to preach thou shall not steal, that you changed
your mind?"

The man responded, "No, it was the one about
adultery. When you started to preach on that one, I
remembered where I left my hat!"

*************************

(PG)
After a few years of a normal married life a man finds that he is
unable to perform. He goes to his doctor who tries a few things to cure the problem. Nothing works.

Finally the doctor says, "This is all in your mind." He then
refers him to a psychiatrist.

After a few visits the psychiatrist confesses, "I am at a loss
as to how you could possibly be cured." He then refers the
man to a witch doctor.

The witch doctor says, "I can cure this." He throws some
powder on a flame. There is a flash with billowing blue smoke.

The witch doctor says "This is powerful healing that you can
use ONLY once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it
shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The man then asks the witch doctor, "What happens when it's
over?"

The witch doctor says, "All you or your partner has to say is
'1234' and it will go down."

The witch doctor then warned, "It will NOT work again for a year!"

The man goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his
wife with the good news. Soon he is lying in bed with her and
says "123" and VOILA, just like that he gets a huge erection.
A diamond cutter, if you will.

His wife turns over and says "What did you say '123' for?"

*****************************

This is the answering machine message the Pacific Palisades High School
(California) staff voted to record on their school telephone answering system.
Too bad they can't actually use it... This came about because they implemented
a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's
absences and missing homework. The school and its teachers are being
sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing
grades, even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the
semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes.
This was voted unanimously by the office staff as the answering machine
messages for the school:

"Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In
order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all
your options before making a selection:

To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2
To complain about what we do - Press 3
To swear at staff members - Press 4
To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your
newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5
If you want us to raise your child - Press 6
If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7
To request another teacher for the third time this year - Press 8
To complain about bus transportation - Press 9
To complain about school lunches - Press 0

If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and
responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework, and that it's
not the teachers fault for your children's lack of effort, hang up and have a
nice day!"

************************

For All Lexiophiles

A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.

The definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism it's your count that votes.

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but she broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A flat minor.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

*********************

Pregnancy, Estrogen, and Women

PREGNANCY Q & A &more!

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

"ESTROGEN ISSUES"

10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese
omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your
jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to
everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up
every bumper sticker that says: "How's my
driving-call 1-800-"
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to
batting-practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here
from "outer space."
8. You can't believe they don't make a tampon
bigger than Super Plus.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to
drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought
it yesterday.

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND

10. Cat's facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in
different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your
best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream,
off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever
made.

AND, the Number One thing only women understand:

1. OTHER WOMEN

[Harkoliar]

i liked the witchdoctor part [img]smile.gif[/img] hilarious [img]smile.gif[/img]

[Ar-Cunin]

My favorite was the School answering machine [img]graemlins/hehe.gif[/img]