Words of Wisdom

[TAOWolf]

feel free to add more to this list. This was emailed to me by a friend........ [img]graemlins/cheers.gif[/img]

1. Food has replaced sex in my life, now I can't even get into my own pants!
2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol content.
3. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
4. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
5. I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up fast.
6. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
7. I have my own little world. But it's OK...they know me here.
8. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
9. I got a sweater for Christmas...I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
10. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
11. I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.
12. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
13. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.
14. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades...now THAT'S a message!
15. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
16. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
17. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
18. I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
19. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
20. Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just one busted condom.
21. If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
22. Welcome to Shit Creek -- Sorry, We're Out of Paddles !
23. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
24. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
25. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
26. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
27. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

[johnny]

ROTFLMAO !!!!!!

[Lioness]

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal
your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Sex is like air. You only think about it when you're not getting any.

5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.

6. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as
a warning to others.

10. It is far more impressive when others discover your good
qualities without your help.

11. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a
couple of car payments.

12. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their
shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and
you have their shoes.

13. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

14. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to
fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.

15. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it
was probably worth it.

16. Don't squat with your spurs on.

17. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

18. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.

19. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

20. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

21. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that
comes from bad judgment.

22. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half
and put it back in your pocket.

23. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

24. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

25. Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side & a dark
side, and it holds the universe together.

26. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

27. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth
is moving.

28. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it

29. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

30. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse

[Lioness]

Oh yeh, and the words on my 17 yr old uncle's t-shirt: "Sometimes you're the dog, sometimes you're the hydrant."

[TAOWolf]

*LMAO* oooo good ones, Lioness!!! [img]graemlins/cheers.gif[/img] especially the last one!!