Joke World 04-01-10

[Timber Loftis]

[Arvon]

A cowboy rides up to a Saloon, goes inside and orders a drink.
He's just about got the glass of whiskey to his lips, when a guy comes running up to the door, and yells "Hey Joe! Your house is burnin!"

The man leaps up, runs out and jumps on his horse just as he thinks "Hey, I don't have a house."

He goes back in and sits down, and raises the glass to his lips again. Just then a man comes running up to the door and yells, "Hey Joe! Your dad has died!"

So he leaps up, runs out, gets on his horse and starts to head down the street when he thinks, "Wait a minute ... my dad died years ago."

He goes back to the bar, and sure enough, he's just about to take a sip of his whiskey when another guys runs up. "Joe! Congratulations! You've won the lottery! There's a pile of money waiting for you down at the post office!"

The cowboy gets up, leaps on the horse, and starts flying towards the post office. He almost gets there when he thinks, "Hey, wait a minute. My name ain't Joe..."

[Arvon]

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"

"No, sweetheart," she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"

"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.

"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.

"Oy, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"

Abe answers, "They'll find us!"

[Arvon]

A man walks into a sports bar with his dog. A NASCAR Sprint Cup race is on a TV. He sits down and asks how Dale Earnhardt Jr. is doing. The bartender says "Dale Jr is in 35th, not doing so well". The man's dog jumps up, and runs around
the barstool 35 times.

A few laps later, the bartender says "Earnhardt is up to 15th!" The dog jumps up again and runs around the barstool 15 times. A couple laps later, the bartender excitedly says "Earnhardt is up to 2nd!" after which the dog again jumps up and runs around the barstool 2 more times...

The bartender says "WOW!! That dog is amazing!! What does he do if Dale Jr. wins?"

"I don't know", says the man, "I've only had him for 3 years!"

[Arvon]

A little PG...

Cinderella is now nearly 70 years old. After having a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair watching the world go by from her front porch with a cat called Gizmo for companionship.

One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?" The Fairy Godmother replies "Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you 3 wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed and after some thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish. "I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension." Instantly her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Cinderella said "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother!" The Fairy Godmother replied "It is the least I can do. What is your second wish?" Cinderella looked down at her frail body and said: "I wish I was young and full of the beauty of youth again." At once, her wish having been desired, became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage had returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and long forgotten vigour and vitality began to course through her very soul. Then the Fairy Godmother spoke again "You have one more wish, what shall you have?" Cinderella looked over to Gizmo, who was now quivering in the corner with fear. "I wish for you to transform my old cat, Gizmo, into a beautiful and handsome young man." Magically, Gizmo suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biologicial make up, that when he stoof before her, he was a boy, so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet.

The Fairy Godmother said "Congratulations Cinderella! Enjoy your new life." With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone. For a few moments, Gizmo and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen.

Then Gizmo walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his muscular arms.He leant close to her ear, and into her ear breathed as much as whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, "I bet you regret having my balls chopped off now, don't you?"

[Arvon]

God was sitting in heaven one day when a scientist said to Him, "God, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing - in other words, we can now do what you did in the beginning."

"Oh, is that so? Explain..." replies God. "Well," says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of you and breathe life into it, thus creating man."

"Well, that's very interesting... show Me."

So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil into the shape of a man. "No, no, no..." interrupts God, "Get your own dirt."

[Arvon]

Wal-Mart announced today that they'll soon be offering customers yet another new discount item, their own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of California to produce their spirits at an affordable price.

Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand into their shopping carts, but "there is strong market demand for cheap wine", said Jane Weldon, professor of Wal-Mart's marketing division. "However," she added "Choosing the right names are important for building brandability and loyalty."

Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive names for the Wal-Mart house brand wines. The top surveyed names in, order of popularity, include:

•Chateau Traileur Parc
•White Trashfindel
•Peanut Noir
•I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!
•Grape Expectations
•Nasti Spumante
•Big Red Gulp
•World Championship Riesling
•NASCARbernet
•Chef Boyardeaux
Pricing is expected to be in the $3-5 range and will be offered in the box and bottle. If production goes smoothly, expect to find Wal-Mart's self-branded wine on the shelves sometime next never.

[Arvon]

Mexican Jews

Cohen and Levy were sitting in a Mexican restaurant. "Cohen," asked Levy, "Are there any Jews in Mexico?"

I don't know," Levy replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"

When the waiter came by, Levy asked him, "Are there any Mexican Jews?"

"I do not know sir, I ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No Mexican Jews."

"Are you sure?" Levy asked.

"I will check again, sir." the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.

While he was still gone, Cohen said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere."

When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Mexican Jews."

"Are you really sure?" Levy asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Mexican Jews."

"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have orange Jews, grape Jews, tomato Jews and prune Jews, but no one ever hear of Mexican Jews!"

[Arvon]

There were three women, a Brunette, a Red Head, and a Blonde. They all worked together at an office.Every day they noticed that their boss left work a little early.

So one day they met together and decided that today when the boss left, they would all leave early too.

The boss left and so did they.
The Brunette went home and straight to bed so could get an early start the next morning.
The Red Head went home to get in a quick work out before her dinner date.
The Blonde went home and walked into the bedroom. She opens the door slowly and saw her husband in bed with her boss, so she shut the door and left.

The next day, the Brunette and the Red Head are talking about going home early again. They ask the Blonde if she wants to leave early again. "No," she says, "yesterday I nearly got caught!"

[Arvon]

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

L: Have you any grounds?

P: Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

L: No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?

P: It made of concrete.

L: I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?

P: No, we have carport, and not need one.

L: I mean. What are your relations like?

P: All my relations still in Poland

L: Is there any infidelity in your marriage?

P: We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

L: Does your wife beat you up?

P: No, I always up before her.

L: Is your wife a nagger?

P: No, she white.

L: Why do you want this divorce?

P: She going to kill me.

L: What makes you think that?

P: I got proof.

L: What kind of proof?

P: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: 'Polish Remover'