Joke World 05-01-09

[Arvon]

Three paramedics were boasting about improvements in their respective ambulance team?s response times. "Since we installed our new satellite navigation system," bragged one, "we've cut our emergency response time by ten percent."

"Not bad," the second paramedic commented. "But by using a computer model of traffic patterns, we we cut our average time by 20 percent."

"That's nothing" said the third paramedic. "Since our ambulance driver passed the bar exam, we've cut our emergency response time in half!"

[Arvon]

A member of the Senate, known for his hot temper and acid tongue, explodes one day in mid-session and begins to shout, "Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"

All the other Senators plead to the angry member that he withdraw his statement, or be removed from the remainder of the session. After a long pause, the angry member accepted.

"Ok," he said, "I withdraw what I said. Half of this Senate is NOT made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"

[Arvon]

A bit PG...

A doctor is making his rounds in the hospital when he comes upon a guy with the worst case of sunburn he has ever seen. The poor guy is burnt raw from head to toe and is in agony. He says to the doctor, "Is there anything you can give me to ease this terrible pain?"

So the doctor says, "Yes, I'll prescribe you some Viagra".

"Viagra?" says the poor guy. "How will that help my sunburn?".

"It won't help your sunburn much" says the doctor, "but at least it'll keep the sheets off it!"

[Bungleau]

What has four legs and an arm?

Spoiler for the answer:

A happy pit bull.

[Arvon]

Johnny comes back from school crying and says, "Mommy all the kids in the school say I have a big head."
His mother replies, "No you don't Johnny. You have a hideously deformed head. The other children are merely hiding the truth to protect your feelings."

[Arvon]

All most a blond joke...

1stPerson: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"
2nd Person:"A little. Whats wrong?"
1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened."
2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?"
1st Person: "Its a pretty sensitive memo, and I didnt want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient could open it and read it."

[Arvon]

The man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
Woman: "Why?"
Man: "Because every time I talk to a a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."

[VulcanRider]

Hercules vs. the Falcon

A C-130 "Hercules" cargo plane, an Air Force workhorse since 1954, was flying over the Persian Gulf on a mission when a cocky pilot in an F-16 "Fighting Falcon" fighter flew up next to him.

The fighter jock got on the radio and told the C-130 pilot, "Watch this!" and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier.

The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that.

The C-130 pilot said, "That was impressive, but watch this!"

The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes, and then the C-130 pilot came back on the radio and said, "What did you think of that?"

Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, "I didn't see anything. What the hell did you do?"

The C-130 pilot chuckled, "I stood up, stretched my legs, went to the back, took a leak, then got a cup of coffee and a sweet roll."

[Arvon]

Well to end the month, a pun...

A pancake and a waffle walk into a diner and sit down at a t...
A pancake and a waffle walk into a diner and sit down at a

table. The waitress comes and says, "Sorry, we don't serve

breakfast."