Joke World 11-1-08

[Arvon]

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

[VulcanRider]

Birds are smarter than most people give them credit for. How else can they target a freshly washed car?

[VulcanRider]

Thanksgiving Divorce

A man in Jacksonville calls his son in San Diego the day before
Thanksgiving and says, 'I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you
that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

'Pop, what are you talking about?' the son screams.

We can't stand the sight of each other any longer, the father
says. We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about
this, so you call your sister in Denver and tell her.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Like heck
they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this,'

She calls Jacksonville immediately, and screams at her father, 'You are
NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm
calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then,
don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.

'Okay,' he says, 'they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way!"

.

[Arvon]

A young boy after hearing the story of Thanksgiving and how the Indians and the Pilgrims sat down together,climbed up into his father's lap and said, "Daddy, did you know that if we were Indians, you would be a brave and Mom would be a squawk?"

"That is the best description of your mother I have ever heard," replied his daddy as he ducked.

[Arvon]

In Scotland, the most important time for a young lad is when he "comes of age" and is allowed to purchase and wear his first kilt. A couple of weeks before his important birthday, a young lad went to a tailor shop and found the material he wanted for his first kilt.
He took the material to the tailor and said, "I'd like ye to make me a kilt with this material here and, if ye don't mind, I'd like ye to make me a pair of matching underwear for it. I hear it gets a might drafty up dem tings!"
So the tailor took the material and promised to call the young lad when the order was completed. A few days later the tailor called the lad back to the shop.
"Here's ye kilt, and here's ye matching underwear, and here's five yards of the material left over. Ye might want to take it home and keep it in case you want anything else made of it."
So the lad rushed home with his order, threw the material in his room, and donned his kilt. In his excitement, he decided to run to his girlfriend's house to show off his new purchase. Unfortunately, in his excitement, he forgot to don his underwear.
When his girlfriend answered the door, he pointed to his kilt and said, "Well, what'd ye think?"
"Ah, but dat's a fine looking kilt," she exclaimed.
"Aye, and if ye like it, ye'll really like what's underneath," he stated as he lifted his kilt to show here.
"Oh, but dat's a dandy," his girlfriend shouted admiringly.
Still not realizing that he didn't have his underwear on he exclaimed quite proudly, "Aye, and if ye like it, I've got five more yards of it at home!"

[VulcanRider]

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request, dear," he said.

"Of course, John," his wife said softly.

"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Joe."

"But I thought you hated Joe," she said.

With his last breath, John said, "I do!"

[Arvon]

A blind man, with a seeing eye dog at his side, walks into his local grocery store. He walks to the middle of the store, picks up the dog by the tail, and starts swinging the dog around in circles over his head.

The store manager, who up until this point thought he had seen it all, thinks this is quite strange. So he decides to find out what’s going on. The store manager approaches the blind man swinging the dog and asks, “Pardon me. May I help you with something?”

The blind man replies, “No thanks. I’m just looking around.”

[Bungleau]

Cube safe, AFAICT...



Are those final words "oh, #!$%^@!#$%^!#!!!!"?

[Arvon]

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.

He called them into his shop, "I'm sure that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer."

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were off!

About a month later the little lady came in to his shop.

"And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.

"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"

[Arvon]

An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination
the same day so they could travel together. After the examination, the
doctor then said to the man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you
have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
"In fact, I do," said the man. "After I have sex with my wife the
first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex
with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

"This is very interesting," replied the doctor. "Let me do some
research and get back to you." After examining the elderly lady, the
doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical
concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns. The doctor
than asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he
is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and
cold and chilly after the second time.... "Do you know why?"

"Oh that old buzzard!" she replied. "That's because the first time is
usually in July and the second time is usually in December."