Joke World 12-1

[Arvon]

Drunk Scotsman

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a considerable amount of alcohol at a local pub. As he staggered down the road, he felt quite sleepy and decided to take a nap with his back against a tree.

As he slept, two young lasses walking down the road heard the Scotsman snoring loudly. They saw him and one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilts." She boldly walked over to the sleeping man, raised his kilt, and saw what nature had provided him at his birth. Her friend said, "Well, he has solved a great mystery for us, now! He must be rewarded!" So, she took a blue ribbon from her hair, and gently tied it around what nature had provided the Scotsman, and the two walked away.

Several minutes later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature and walked around to the other side of the tree to relieve himself. He raised his kilt and saw where the blue ribbon was tied.

After several moments of bewilderment, the Scotsman said, "I dinna know where ya been laddie...but it's nice ta know ya won first prize!"

[Arvon]

Children at a Catholic school were shocked when the head nun reeled
off a list of banned swear words. Sister Kathy Avery, the principal of
St. Clare of Montefalco Catholic School in Grosse Point Park, Michigan,
told students she had a zero-tolerance policy for cursing. Just in case
anyone was not sure what she was talking about, she read a list of the
words and phrases that she was banning.

- News source: Ananova Quirkies, 10/12/07



Students say they eagerly await her next announcement, covering premarital sex.

[carv3r]

PGish

Two men are drinking at their local bar. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”

The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”

[carv3r]

A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”.

“Oh dear, what's the bad news?” asks the patient.

The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”

“That's terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”

The doctor replies, “I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.”

[carv3r]

A Collie went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote, “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”

The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”

“But,” the dog replied, “that would make no sense at all.”

[carv3r]

blondes simile:

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

[Arvon]

Originally Posted by carv3r blondes simile: Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

Everybody want's to get in the act!!!

[Arvon]

A man went for an audition at a local club. "You' better not be a hypnotist, they're not welcome here."
"No I'm not, I'm a singer, why, what's wrong with a hypnotist?"
"Well we had one a couple days ago with 10 people on stage in a trance when he tripped over the microphone wire and shouted 'Shit'. We've been clearing up ever since."

[ZFR]

Originally Posted by Arvon A man went for an audition at a local club. "You' better not be a hypnotist, they're not welcome here." "No I'm not, I'm a singer, why, what's wrong with a hypnotist?" "Well we had one a couple days ago with 10 people on stage in a trance when he tripped over the microphone wire and shouted 'Shit'. We've been clearing up ever since."

It's a good thing he didn't say "oh, fu**"

[Arvon]

A jumbo-sized freshman went to try out for the football team. The coach asked him if he could tackle and he said, "Hell yah, get a load of this!"

And with that knocked over a telephone pole as if it were made of balsa wood.

The coach was dumbfounded and asked if the boy could run, to which the boy replied, "Hell yah!" and he sprinted from endzone to endzone like lightning.

The coach stood there with his mouth agape to see such a huge boy run so fast. He finally composed himself and said, "But can you pass a football?"

The freshman stopped to think for a few seconds, then said, "Hell yah, if I can swallow it, I can surely pass it!"