Joke World 10-1

[Arvon]

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year- old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm. She hangs onto Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?" Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!" They're amazed, but continue to ask. "So, how did you persuade her to marry you?" "I lied about my age," Bob replies "What, did you tell her you were only 50?" Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."

[Arvon]

The recent passing of U.S. Congressman Claude Pepper brings to mind a story that has circulated in political circles for years.

The year was 1950. Pepper, locked in a bitter race to retain his U.S Senate seat, faced a worthy opponent in then-Congressman George Smathers.

"Are you aware," Smathers is said to have bellowed in his stumpings through the North Florida pinelands, "that Claude Pepper is known all over Washington as a shameless extrovert?"

"Not only that, but this man is reliably reported to practice nepotism with his sister-in-law, and he has a sister who was once a thesbian in wicked New York. Worst of all, it is an established fact that Mr. Pepper, before his marriage, practiced celibacy."

"And are you aware that Claude Pepper vacillated one night on the Senate floor?"

Pepper lost the race, but went on a few years later to distinguished service in the House. Smathers retired from the Senate in 1971, vigorously denying the story till the end--but nonetheless acknowledging in Florida House Clerk Allen Morris' book `Reconsiderations,' (1982) that the tale has by now "gone into the history books."

[Arvon]

Oldie!!

A wealthy young man's parents told him he must be married by his 25th birthday, in order to fulfill the terms of their joint will and get the money. This was a bit of a dilemma to him because he was dating three lovely young ladies and couldn't decide.

As he had only one month, he came up with a plan. He gave each woman $5,000 and told her she had a month to spend it. And, she could spend it any way she wanted.

After the month he met with each.

The first one said, "Well you know I love to shop, so I spent all of it on clothes!" "Fair enough," he replied, and took note of her decision.

The second young woman said, "I think it's better to give than receive, so I gave all of my money to the United Way!" "Okay," said the young squire (noting to himself that she must work for Digital).

Number three said, "You know I have a mind for saving, so I invested it in 9 3/4% zero coupon treasury bonds!" "Interesting," replied the gentleman, taking note of her keen financial acumen.

So, which one did he choose?

The one with big tits, of course!

[Arvon]

An elderly gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag. "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically. The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously. "Then you should know enough to have your passport ready." The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it." "Impossible. Americans always have to show their passports on arrival in France!"
The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained.

"Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."

[Arvon]

A man buys a parrot, but after several weeks of trying, is unable to get it to speak a single word. In desperation he takes the bird to a vet for advice.

The vet tells him that the parrot has too long of a beak to speak, but that he could file it down for $100. The parrot's owner thought that this was rather expensive. The vet tells him that it is a very delicate procedure. If he does not file enough, the bird still wont be able to talk, but if he files too much, the bird will drown while drinking his water.

The man decides to think it over and leaves with the parrot. Several weeks later, the vet happens to meet the parrot owner who is looking rather down. He inquires about the parrot. The man replies that his parrot is dead.

"Did you try to file his beak?" asked the vet. The man nods his head.

"And he drowned while trying to drink his water, right?"

"No," replied the parrot's owner, "he was dead when I took his head out of the vise."

[Arvon]

(From the Winchendon Observer, 19 December 1988)

12 Year Old Guinness Record Holder Dead

(AP) December 18, 1988 - Streetly, England - Mario Morby, a 12 year old record holder in the "Guinness Book of World Records," was killed yesterday when he asphyxiated under the weight of hundreds of thousands of postcards that accidentally toppled on him. Morby, a cancer patient currently in remission, collected the postcards from supporters all over the world who took sympathy on his condition. The bulk of Morby's collection, estimated at over 2 million with 30,000 arriving daily, was turned over to an auction house for disposal. Morby had retained about 500,000 of the nicer ones.

Florida Child's Wish Come True, Inc. publicized Mario's wish for postcards. "Had we realized the trouble that we caused, we would have never gotten involved," said Frances Keefe, the founder of the Spring Hill, Florida organization that specializes in satisfying the last wishes of dying children. They used the pseudonym "David" when requesting postcards on Morby's behalf. "It makes us heartsick," Keefe continued, "to realize that we have contributed to this gentle child's death. He was in remission, and his spirits were up. Those postcards were his life."

Morby's body was discovered by the family dog, who notified the district constable. Foul play is not suspected.

Ross McWhirter, author of the "Guinness Book of World Records," said in a prepared statement that "it is ironic that Morby's record has been overshadowed by that of another boy named 'David' who is dying of leukemia. In tribute to Morby, however, we have decided to enter him in a new category in the mid-year 1989 update edition: `Most Senseless Death.'"

Contributions in Morby's memory may be made to Florida Child's Wish Come True, Inc., P.O. Box 5997, Spring Hill, FL, USA.

[WarKasp]

This lady was late for work, so she was driving a little fast. Coming over the bridge she notices a cop with his radar gun. Knowing she was caught, she pulled over. The cop came to the door and asked, What's your hurry ma'am? Well, I am late for work. she replies, And what is it that you do? Well She says. I am a rectum stretcher. A what? he says, Yeah a rectum stretcher, we slowly stretch rectums up to about six feet around. And what do you do with a six asshole, he asks, in which she replies, you give it a badge and a radar gun!

Speeding ticket $150.00
Money lost for work $50.00
Look on cops face, priceless!

[Kyrvias]

So a pirate walks into a bar, and the bartender notices he has a Steering Wheel in his pants. So the bar tender asks, "Hey, you have a Steering Wheel in your pants; Doesn't it hurt?"

The pirate responds: "Argh, it's drivin' me nuts!

[Arvon]

A young nun was hurrying to church and took a short-cut through the forest. To her surprise, a man jumped out of the bushes and grabbed her and asked, "Where do you think you're going, young lady?"
She said, "To my confession at the church!"

He proceeded to throw her to the ground, rip off her clothes and have his way with her.

Satisfied, he said, "Well, what are you going to confess now?"

She said, "I'm going to tell the Father that I was grabbed, thrown to the ground, and ravished--twice! That is, unless you're too tired."

[Arvon]

This is a must read!

An amazing elephant story...

Sometimes I think these stories are silly but this one is truly amazing.

In 1986, Dan Harrison was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Dan approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Dan worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Dan stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Dan never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Dan was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Dan and his son Dan Jr. were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Dan, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Dan couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Dan summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Dan's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly!

Probably wasn't the same elephant.