Retrosexual

[Arvon]

Retrosexuals

Please allow me to vent. I have had it. I've taken all I can stand and I can't stand no more. Every time my TV is on, all that can be seen is effeminate men prancing about, redecorating houses and talking about foreign concepts like "style" and "feng shui." Heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, transsexual, metrosexual, non-sexual; blue, green, and purple-sexual - bogus definitions have taken over the urban and suburban world!

Real men of the world, stand up, scratch your butt, belch, and yell "ENOUGH!" I hereby announce the start of a new offensive in the culture Wars, the Retrosexual movement. "

The Code :

A Retrosexual man, no matter what the women insists, PAYS FOR THE DATE.

A Retrosexual man opens doors for a lady. Even for the ones that fit that term only because they are female.

A Retrosexual DEALS with IT, be it a flat tire, break-in into your home, or a natural disaster, you DEAL WITH IT.

A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself.

A Retrosexual doesn't worry about living to be 90. It's not how long you live, but how well. If you're 90 years old and still smoking cigars and drinking, I salute you. If you are still having sex, you are a God.

A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman. Women have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need an endcap (possibly 2 endcaps if you include shaving goods.)

A Retrosexual does not dress in clothes from Hot Topic when he's 30 years old.

A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if need be. This falls under the "Dealing with IT" portion of The Code.

A Retrosexual watches no TV show with "Queer" in the title.

A Retrosexual does not let neighbors screw up rooms in his house on national TV.

A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for women. Some is inevitable, but major reinvention of yourself will only lead to you becoming a froo-froo little puss, and in the long run, she ain't worth it.

A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental stress such as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a freak treechipper accident, favorite sports team being moved to a different city, favorite bird dog expiring, etc. You are NOT allowed to see a shrink because Daddy didn't pay you enough attention. Daddy was busy DEALING WITH IT. When you screwed up, he DEALT with you.

A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to conceal himself from prey.

A Retrosexual knows how to tie a Windsor knot when wearing a tie -- and ONLY a Windsor knot.

A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about getting.

A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can't hammer a nail, or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you can -- or be rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you be.

A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that your are riddled with fear, guns are TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL WITH IT. Plus it's just plain fun to fire one off in the direction of those people or things that just need a little "wakin' up".

Crying. There are very few reason that a Retrosexual may cry, and none of them have to do with TV commercials, movies, or soap operas. Sports teams are sometimes a reason to cry, but the preferred method of release is swearing or throwing the remote control. Some reasons a Retrosexual can cry include (but are not limited to) death of a loved one, death of a pet (fish do NOT count as pets in this case), loss of a major body part, or loss of major body part on your Ford truck.

When a Retrosexual is on a crowded bus and or a commuter train, and a pregnant woman, heck, any woman gets on, that retrosexual stands up and offers his seat to that woman, then looks around at the other so-called men still in their seats with a disgusted "you punks" look on his face.

A Retrosexual knows how to say the Pledge properly, and with the correct emphasis and pronunciation. He also knows the words to the Star Spangled Banner

A Retrosexual will have hobbies and habits his wife and mother do not understand, but that are essential to his manliness, in that they offset the acceptable manliness decline he suffers when married/engaged or in a serious healthy relationship - i.e., hunting, boxing, shot putting, shooting, cigars, car maintenance.

A Retrosexual knows how to sharpen his own knives and kitchen utensils.

A Retrosexual man can drive in snow (hell, a blizzard) without sliding all over or driving under 20mph, without anxiety, and without high-centering his ride in a snow bank.

A Retrosexual man can chop down a tree and make it land where he wants. Wherever it lands is where he damn well wanted it to land. Except on his truck--that would happen because of a "force of nature", and then the retrosexual man's options are to Cry, or to DEAL with IT, or do both.

A Retrosexual will give up his seat on a bus to not only any women but any elderly person or person in military dress (except 2nd Lt's) NOTE: The person in military dress may turn down the offer but the Retrosexual man will ALWAYS make the offer to them and thank them for serving their country.

A Retrosexual man doesn't need a contract -- a handshake is good enough. He will always stand by his word even if circumstances change or the other person deceived him.

A Retrosexual man doesn't immediately look to sue someone when he does something stupid and hurts himself. We understand that sometimes in the process of doing things we get hurt and we just DEAL WITH IT !

[Spirits Reborn]

NICE


I like this rant, although I can't help but feel that I've seen something like this before. *shrugs*

but yeah, except for the star spangled banner and pledge. I agree to most of these things.

Most of the manly things here are just manners (which a surprising number of people today, don't have.)

nice post [img]graemlins/hehe.gif[/img]

[SpiritWarrior]

Yeah something similiar was posted here a few months back.

[Illumina Drathiran'ar]

We all know I have to weigh in on this. And everyone knows what I have to say. So let's just leave it at "retrosexuals can cook their own damn dinner from now on."

I will, however, agree with the "bogus definitions" sentiment. If you're a straight man, and you're not confident enough to dress nicely and have some taste without having a qualifier like "metrosexual" that says "But I'm still straight", you don't get to dress nicely and have some taste until you grow the hell up.

[SpiritWarrior]

Aye, I think it is a bit of a modern-day caveman. I'm still surpised it doesn't have something like "woman should stay home and cook while man work", lol.

[Klorox]

LOL, great little rant there (although, aside from fishing, I don't think I've ever killed a meal).

Is this your rant, or from an e-mail?

[Papa Schlumpf]

Originally posted by Klorox: LOL, great little rant there (although, aside from fishing, I don't think I've ever killed a meal). Is this your rant, or from an e-mail?

I don't think Arvon ever posts anything that isn't quoted from an email, so there you have it. And I agree with Illumina, by the way.

[Illumina Drathiran'ar]

I think the problem is that we're glamorizing the gender roles of yesteryear, without recalling the problems. In making distance from the era of so-called "retrosexuals" we also see more awareness and support for victims and survivors of domestic violence and sexual assault. We see more gender equality in the workforce.

We can't look at one thing and completely ignore something else that came with it, is what I'm trying to say.

[robertthebard]

I don't see this as glamorizing gender roles, but a more specific gender role. In this instance, I don't think it would be a bad thing to return to some of these behaviors. One of my ex-girlfriends had a stroke, almost, when I waited for this little old lady to cross the parking lot and held the door for her. Especially since, at the time, I had a full beard, and hair to my ass, wearing my full biker get up, with my bike parked 10 feet away. I was brought up with manners, which is part of what the retro-sexual thing is talking about. I don't see that as a bad thing.

I'm sure that's not what you meant, but I do feel I needed to point that out. There's a difference between being polite, and sexist. I like to think I'm reasonably polite, until it's time to stop being so.

I do own some nice clothes, but I don't have to hide them from my friends...er, wellll, just because I never wear them while my friends are around doesn't mean anything, really, it doesn't...

[Illumina Drathiran'ar]

What I'm saying, though, is that your girlfriend could also wait for a little old lady to cross the parking lot and hold the door for her. There are some fine behaviors listed here, yes, but I don't see them as male-specific as much as common courtesy which all should follow. Recurring themes on this list- honor, dignity, courtesy, and self-reliance- these are qualities which we should all endeavor to possess.