Joke World 12-01-08

[Arvon]

Post 'em if you got 'em!

1. It is time to clean out the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.

2. If it walks out of your refrigerator, let it go!

3. The best mini-vac for an after meal clean up is the dog.

4. Keep it clean enough for healthy, dirty enough for happy.

5. Never make fried chicken in the nude.

6. Do not engage in unarmed combat with a dust bunny big enough to choke the vacuum cleaner.

7. You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again.

8. If guys were suppose to hang clothes up, door knobs would be bigger.

9. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

10. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

11. Simplify... hire a maid.

12: My second favourite household chore is ironing. My first being Hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

13. I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.

14. I am a marvellous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.

15. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim, "What? And spoil the mood?"

16. When writing your name in the dust on the table, omit the date.

17. If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that "THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes..."

[Arvon]

After a Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says "Hey Sen~or, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guiness sits down and says "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guiness?" and the Guiness resident replies "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

[Arvon]

A middle aged woman has a heart attack. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. She sees God, and asks if this is it.

God says no, that she has another 30-40 years to live. She recovers, and decides to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, tummy tuck, hair dyed, etc. She figures since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it.

She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and immediately gets hit by an ambulance.

She arrives in front of God and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30 or 40 years?" To which God replies, "To tell you the truth, I didn't recognize you."

[Bungleau]

As some of you know, and some also care about, the NHL is going to have the Detroit Red Wings play the Chicago Blackhawks outdoors on New Years Day. The event will be at Wrigley Field, home of the Chicago Cubs baseball team, reputed to be cursed never to win the championship again. It's been a hundred years, and still holds true.

Here are some observations from Chicago folks about this outdoor game:

1. Will being the home team at Wrigley transfer the Cubs curse to the Hawks? Here's what the Cubs fans have had to witness:
2. Radio was invented; Cubs fans got to hear their team lose.
3. TV was invented; Cubs fans got to see their team lose.
4. Baseball added 14 teams; Cubs fans get to see and hear their team lose to more clubs.
5. George Burns celebrated his 10th, 20th, 30th, 40th, 50th, 60th, 70th, 80th, 90th and 100th birthdays.
6. Haley's comet passed Earth twice.
7. Harry Caray was born....and died. Incredible, but true.
8. The NBA, NHL and NFL were formed, and Chicago teams won championships in each league.
9. Man landed on the moon, as have several home runs given up by Cubs pitchers.
10. Sixteen U.S. presidents were elected.
11. There were 11 amendments added to the Constitution.
12. Prohibition was created and repealed.
13. The Titanic was built, set sail, sank, was discovered and became the subject of major motion pictures, the latest giving Cubs fans hope that something that finishes on the bottom can come out on top.
14. Wrigley Field was built and becomes the oldest park in the National League.
15. Flag poles were erected on Wrigley Field roof to hold all of the team's future World Series pennants. Those flag poles have since rusted and been taken down.
16. A combination of 40 Summer and Winter Olympics have been held.
17. Thirteen baseball players have won the Triple Crown; several thanked Cubs pitchers.
18. Bell-bottoms came in style, went out of style and came back in.
19. The Chicago White Sox, Cleveland Indians, Boston Red Sox and the Florida Marlins have all won the World Series.
20. The Cubs played 14,153 regular-season games; they lost the majority of them.
21. Alaska, Arizona, Hawaii, Oklahoma and New Mexico were added to the Union.

Some of these made me chuckle... GO WINGS!

[Bungleau]

Stupid.com's Top Ten Stupid Gifts for 2008....

1. Screaming Chicken, The World's Most Annoying Toy: This rubber chicken doesn't squeak or squawk. It screams.
2. Wealth Redistribution 2008 Holiday Ornament: This tree ornament announces that the ornament that used to be there has been removed and given to someone who needs it more. The Redistribution Holiday Ornament will let everyone know you're spreading the wealth whether you want to or not.
3. Mini Guitar Hero: This miniature version of that mega-hit game is barely 6-inches long but you can still rock out to songs by Queen, Cheap Trick, Nirvana, and The Police.
4. Potty Putter: Why waste time on the toilet, when you can use it to get ready for the fairway? Potty Putter contains everything you need for an exciting round of golf without leaving your seat including a putting green for around the toilet, mini putter, flag stick and two golf balls.
5. Wasabi Flavored Gumballs: These potent little green confections offer an intense explosion of wasabi. Strangely, the gum is actually delicious.
6. Men's Underwear Repair Kit: In this troubled economy, don't throw away your old underwear but repair it with the Men's Underwear Repair Kit. This handy, inexpensive kit provides everything you need to get your unsightly undershorts back into presentable shape.
7. Obama "Yes We Can" Opener: Every election spawns some interesting products, but this has to be one of the stupidest. To Obama fans, the "Yes, We Can" opener, seizing on his campaign refrain, could be a treasure.
8. "How To Tie A Tie" Tie: Still struggle with your tie? This stylish tie has simple knot-tying instructions printed right on the front. Just follow the six step-by-step diagrams and you'll look as dashing as George Clooney in seconds.
9. 2009 Dog Poop Calendar: Each month features a spectacular landscape or breathtaking tableau, but somewhere in every shot there's a pile of dog poop. Distasteful? You bet it is, but the contrast between the beautiful photography and dog poop is remarkable.
10. Pole Dancer Alarm Clock: When the alarm goes off, dance music plays and disco lights flash. At the same time, a buxom blonde dancer gyrates around a pole under the spinning disco ball.

No particular comments here, but a couple of those just might show up under someone's Christmas tree

[Arvon]

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor.

The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations sir, you're the father of twins."

"What a coincidence!" the man said with some obvious pride. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."

The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, "You, sir, are the father of triplets."

"Wow, that's really an incredible coincidence" he answered. "I work for the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live this one down."

An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back. This time, she turned to the third man, who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply.

"Don't tell me another coincidence?" asked the nurse.

After finally regaining his composure, he said "I don't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."

After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the fourth guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and, after some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness.

When he was finally able to speak, everyone could hear him whispering repeatedly the same phrase over and over again.

"I should have never taken that job at 7-Up.
I should have never taken that job at 7-Up.
I should have never taken that job at 7-Up..."

[Bungleau]

Nice one!

[Arvon]

A little PG...


A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?"

Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My breasts are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!

[Bungleau]

The middle... 90% is lame, but the ending made me smile

[Arvon]

Dear Abby,

My husband is not happy with my mood swings. The other day, he bought me a mood ring so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time the idiot will buy me a diamond.

Sincerely,

Bitch in Brooklyn, N.Y.