Funny Bone is back!!!!!

Arvon · 04-16-2003, 09:35 PM

I found some newer sources....

PRIESTS ON VACATION

Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, and etc.

The next morning they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare and when she passed them, she smiled and said, "Good morning, Father" - "Good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests?

The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits-these were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them-and again settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc.

After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them again. (They were glad they had sunglasses, because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads.)

Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: "Good morning, Father," "Good morning Father," and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it and said. "Just a minute, young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?"

"Oh, Father, don't you recognize me? I'm Sister Angela!"

[ 04-16-2003, 09:36 PM: Message edited by: Arvon ]

Kakero · 04-16-2003, 11:58 PM

hehe, that was funny. strange how they don't recognize her.

Bruce The Aussie · 04-17-2003, 06:12 AM

nice [img]smile.gif[/img]

Arvon · 04-17-2003, 11:11 AM

THE RULES OF CHOCOLATE

If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution is simple: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?

Money talks. Chocolate sings. Beautifully.

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? A. Because no one wants to quit.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?

If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

Arvon · 04-17-2003, 11:30 AM

SEVEN COURSE DINNERS

What is a student's seven-course dinner?
A six pack of Red Bull and a slice of pizza.

What is ;an American seven-course dinner?
A six pack of Bud Lite and a big Mac.

What is a Scottish seven-course dinner?
Six crumbs of stale bread and a case of whisky.

What is a Chinese seven-course dinner?
Six bowls of rice and a cooked rat.

What is a Japanese seven-course dinner?
A bowl of rice and six raw fish.

What is a Russian seven-course dinner?
A litre of vodka and six turnips.

What is a Mexican seven-course dinner?
A bottle of Tequila and six cockroaches.

What is an Eskimo seven-course dinner?
Six lumps of snow and a baby seal.

What is an Argentine seven-course dinner?
Six cuts of beer and a sprig of parsley.

What is an English seven-course dinner?
Three pints of lager, two packs of crisps, a bag of chips and a donor kebab.

What is an Irish seven-course dinner?
A four-pack of Guinness and a potato.

What is a German seven-course dinner?
Six different beers and a kilo of raw sausage

Arvon · 04-17-2003, 09:34 PM

AUDIENCE WITH THE POPE

A man who is an avid golfer finally gets a once-in-a-lifetime chance for an audience with the Pope. After standing in line for hours, he gets to the Pope and says, "Holiness, I have a question that only you can answer. You see, I love golf, and I feel a real need to know if there is a golf course in heaven. Can you tell me if there is?"

The Pope considers for a moment, and says, "I do not know the answer to your question, my son, but I will talk to God and get back to you."

The next day the man is called for another audience with the Pope to receive the answer to his question. He stands before the Pope, who says, "My son, I have some good news and some bad news in relation to your question. The good news is that heaven has the most fabulous golf course that you could imagine and is in eternally perfect shape."

"And what's the bad news?" asks the man.

"You tee-off tomorrow morning," the Pope replies.

Arvon · 04-18-2003, 05:16 PM

GIFTED HAMSTER

A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "No way, pal. I don't think you can pay for it."

"You're right," the guy says. "I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"

"You have a deal, my friend," says the bartender.

The guy reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the side of the bar, across the room, up the piano, onto the keyboard and starts playing Gershwin music. The hamster can really play...

"You're right... I've never seen anything like that before," says the bartender. "That hamster is really gifted."

The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. "Will that be cash or another miracle, pal?" asks the bartender.

"Watch this," replies the guy. Again, he reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog onto the bar, and the frog starts to sing. The frog has a marvellous voice and great pitch. A fine singer.

A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. "It's a deal," says the guy. He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar.

"Are you some kind of nut?" asks the bartender. "You sold a singing frog for $300? It could have been worth millions. You must be crazy.
"
"Not Really, the man replies, "You see, that frog can't sing, the hamster is a ventriloquist."

04-16-2003, 09:35 PM	#1
Arvon Unicorn Join Date: October 4, 2001 Location: Kingdom of the West,..P.o. Cynagus Posts: 4,212	I found some newer sources.... PRIESTS ON VACATION Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, and etc. The next morning they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare and when she passed them, she smiled and said, "Good morning, Father" - "Good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests? The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits-these were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them-and again settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc. After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them again. (They were glad they had sunglasses, because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads.) Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: "Good morning, Father," "Good morning Father," and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it and said. "Just a minute, young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?" "Oh, Father, don't you recognize me? I'm Sister Angela!" [ 04-16-2003, 09:36 PM: Message edited by: Arvon ] __________________ 53.7% of all statistics are made up

04-17-2003, 06:12 AM	#3
Bruce The Aussie Fzoul Chembryl Join Date: March 2, 2001 Location: Chaotica (london,england) Age: 37 Posts: 1,798	nice [img]smile.gif[/img] __________________ [img]\"http://members.aol.com/lasttrueprincess/images/bruce.gif\" alt=\" - \" /><br />Have a nice day <img border=\"0\" title=\"\" alt=\"[Big Grin]\" src=\"biggrin.gif\" /> <br />cloudkingdom.co.uk<br />\"be calm, be happy, be stoned\"<br />The person currently speaking is(tick appropriate): Me/My inner child/the voices in my head/my inner demons

04-17-2003, 11:11 AM	#4
Arvon Unicorn Join Date: October 4, 2001 Location: Kingdom of the West,..P.o. Cynagus Posts: 4,212	THE RULES OF CHOCOLATE If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly. Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want. The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution is simple: Eat it in the parking lot. Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less. If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves. If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other? Money talks. Chocolate sings. Beautifully. Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger. Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? A. Because no one wants to quit. Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done. A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy? If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you? __________________ 53.7% of all statistics are made up

04-17-2003, 11:30 AM	#5
Arvon Unicorn Join Date: October 4, 2001 Location: Kingdom of the West,..P.o. Cynagus Posts: 4,212	SEVEN COURSE DINNERS What is a student's seven-course dinner? A six pack of Red Bull and a slice of pizza. What is ;an American seven-course dinner? A six pack of Bud Lite and a big Mac. What is a Scottish seven-course dinner? Six crumbs of stale bread and a case of whisky. What is a Chinese seven-course dinner? Six bowls of rice and a cooked rat. What is a Japanese seven-course dinner? A bowl of rice and six raw fish. What is a Russian seven-course dinner? A litre of vodka and six turnips. What is a Mexican seven-course dinner? A bottle of Tequila and six cockroaches. What is an Eskimo seven-course dinner? Six lumps of snow and a baby seal. What is an Argentine seven-course dinner? Six cuts of beer and a sprig of parsley. What is an English seven-course dinner? Three pints of lager, two packs of crisps, a bag of chips and a donor kebab. What is an Irish seven-course dinner? A four-pack of Guinness and a potato. What is a German seven-course dinner? Six different beers and a kilo of raw sausage __________________ 53.7% of all statistics are made up

04-17-2003, 09:34 PM	#6
Arvon Unicorn Join Date: October 4, 2001 Location: Kingdom of the West,..P.o. Cynagus Posts: 4,212	AUDIENCE WITH THE POPE A man who is an avid golfer finally gets a once-in-a-lifetime chance for an audience with the Pope. After standing in line for hours, he gets to the Pope and says, "Holiness, I have a question that only you can answer. You see, I love golf, and I feel a real need to know if there is a golf course in heaven. Can you tell me if there is?" The Pope considers for a moment, and says, "I do not know the answer to your question, my son, but I will talk to God and get back to you." The next day the man is called for another audience with the Pope to receive the answer to his question. He stands before the Pope, who says, "My son, I have some good news and some bad news in relation to your question. The good news is that heaven has the most fabulous golf course that you could imagine and is in eternally perfect shape." "And what's the bad news?" asks the man. "You tee-off tomorrow morning," the Pope replies. __________________ 53.7% of all statistics are made up

04-16-2003, 11:58 PM	#2
Kakero 40th Level Warrior Join Date: March 24, 2002 Posts: 10,215	hehe, that was funny. strange how they don't recognize her.

04-18-2003, 05:16 PM	#7
Arvon Unicorn Join Date: October 4, 2001 Location: Kingdom of the West,..P.o. Cynagus Posts: 4,212	GIFTED HAMSTER A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "No way, pal. I don't think you can pay for it." "You're right," the guy says. "I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?" "You have a deal, my friend," says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the side of the bar, across the room, up the piano, onto the keyboard and starts playing Gershwin music. The hamster can really play... "You're right... I've never seen anything like that before," says the bartender. "That hamster is really gifted." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. "Will that be cash or another miracle, pal?" asks the bartender. "Watch this," replies the guy. Again, he reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog onto the bar, and the frog starts to sing. The frog has a marvellous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. "It's a deal," says the guy. He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. "Are you some kind of nut?" asks the bartender. "You sold a singing frog for $300? It could have been worth millions. You must be crazy. " "Not Really, the man replies, "You see, that frog can't sing, the hamster is a ventriloquist." __________________ 53.7% of all statistics are made up

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