Joke World 6-1-08

[Arvon]

Take a look at this:
http://www.jokesgallery.com/joke.php?joke=4506&id=1

[Arvon]

A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.

"How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?"

"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."

"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"

"He ate poisonous mushrooms, too, and died."

"Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband."

"He died of a broken neck."

"A broken neck?"

"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

[Arvon]

I didn't know that!

Comedian Aries Spears pleaded guilty in April to assaulting a woman in the audience during his act at a New York City club. Said prosecutor Elizabeth Pederson, ridiculing Spears' initial explanation: "You can't high-five a woman's breast." [United Press International, 4-21-08]

[Arvon]

Imagine that you are a salesperson for Ikea (substitute "furniture store" if you don't know what "Ikea" is). You get a phone call that goes like this.

Customer: I'd like to buy a kitchen table.

You: That's fine; we have many styles of kitchen tables, I'm sure you can find one you like.

C: I need one that's 3 feet by 5 feet and has a butcher block top.

Y: Yes, we have a table like that. You can pick it up today.

C: OK, how can I get it back to my house?

Y: Well, it comes disassembled, so you can just put it on a roof rack. We can loan you a roof rack if you don't have one.

C: But how do I get there?

Y: We're just off exit 25 of the Turnpike. Where are you coming from?

C: Wait, wait, you're going way too fast for me. I have a Toyota Celica in my driveway, and the keys are in my hand. What do I do next?

- And, whatever you say at this point, the response is always the same:

C: But all I want is a kitchen table! Why does it have to be so *COMPLICATED*!

[Bungleau]

[Bungleau]

[Bungleau]

A nice video of a different twist on the coke-mentos thing...

Cube safe... to be sure...

[Arvon]

So, I'm walking through WalMart and my eye catches a fake-flower bridal bouquet (with box!) at the end of the aisle.
I wondered, I have to admit, what bride would pick up her bouquet at WalMart? - Then I realized I was observing WalMart's marketing brilliance at work.

The bridal bouquets were only three aisles over from the shotguns...

[Arvon]

Another oldie...

An Irishman in a wheelchair rolls into a bar and asks the waitress for a cup of coffee. He then looks over at the bar and asks the waitress, "Is that Jesus?" The waitress says that it is, so the Irishman says, "Give him a cup of coffee... I'll pay."

A few minutes later, an Englishman with a humped back walks in and asks the waitress for a cup of tea. He then asks the waitress, "Hey... is that Jesus over there?" The waitress nods and so the Englishman says, "Give 'im a cup of tea... on me."

A few minutes later, a Redneck walks in on a pair of crutches. He says, "Hey, sweet thang... how's 'bout an ice-cold coke. Holy smokes... is that Jesus?" The waitress says, "Sure is." So, the Redneck says, "Give the ol' boy a coke... put it on my tab."

Later, Jesus gets up to leave, walks over to the Irishman, touches him and says, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Irishman gets up out of his wheelchair and dances a jig out of the door.

Jesus walks over to the Englishman, touches him and says, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Englishman stretches out his back and does backflips out the door.

Jesus walks over to the Redneck. Then, the Redneck gets up, backs away, and says, "Stay away from me... I'm drawin' disability!"

[Arvon]

A true story:

The scene:

After a family meal one night, 3 generations of the family are sitting around chatting. A 4 year old is sitting on her grandfather's knee.

4YO: "Grandpa, can you make a noise like a frog?"

G: "What?"

4YO: "Can you make a noise like a frog?"

G: "Why do you want me to make a noise like a frog?"

4YO: "Well, last night Daddy said that when you croak we can all go to Disneyland."

Luckily the old man took the comment in good humor.