Joke World 6-1-08

[Timber Loftis]

Yesterday, my wife and I were talking over the day when, for some reason, the subject changed to euthanasia. Discussing this delicate subject I told her: “never let me live like a plant, where I’m dependent on an electronic apparatus and being fed with a liquid from a bottle”.

She stood up, pulled the plug from the TV set and threw away all my beer!

[Timber Loftis]

Ed and Harriet met while on a cruise, and Ed fell head over heels in love with her. On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how they would continue their relationship. "It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut," Ed said to his lady friend. "I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's a problem, you'd better say so now."

Harriet responded, "If we're being honest with each other, here goes... I'm a hooker." "I see," Ed replied, and was quiet for a moment. Then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off."

[Timber Loftis]

A guy goes to his local church during the week to see the priest and confess his sins. He goes into the confessional box and says, "Father, during the week I said the F-word." The priest says, "Well my son, say 3 Hail Mary's and your sins will be forgiven."

The guy however, was quite eager to explain to the priest why he had used the F-word and grudgingly the priest agreed to listen to his explanation.

"Well I was playing golf last Sunday instead of coming to church," said the guy.

"Is that why you said the F-word?" the priest asked.

"No," the guy replied. "I was on the first tee and a duck hooked my drive into this terrible rough."

"Is that why you said the F-word?" the priest asked.

"No," the guy replied getting quite annoyed with the constant interruptions to his story. "My ball took a lucky kick out of the rough and I was left with a perfect shot to the green."

"Is that why you said the F-word?" the priest asked.

"No," the guy said. "As I went to play my ball a squirrel grabbed it and took off with it."

"Is that why you said the F-word?" the priest asked.

"No," the guy replied. "As the squirrel was running away with my ball an eagle swooped down on it and took off with the squirrel and my ball."

"Is that why you said the F-word?" the priest asked.

"No," the guy replied. "The eagle dropped the squirrel over the green and the ball rolled out of its mouth and finished 5 inches from the hole."

The priest said, "Don't tell, you missed the F&%# ing putt!"

"Exactly," the guy replied.

[Timber Loftis]

Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot.

At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful Bathroom faucet while she was waiting for Walt, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.

When Walt was finished, Mary asked, "How much for that faucet?"


Walt replied, "That's pewter and it costs $300."

"My goodness that sure is a lot of money!" Mary exclaimed.

Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Walt yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?"

"No, but I will for the faucet."

... and this is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot.

[Timber Loftis]

General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.


You'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.

Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this!

This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.

It is a portion of an ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his mili tary headquarters.




FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.


FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.



FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.


FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

[Timber Loftis]

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard; I could tell from his
collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of. He
calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed
me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and
fell asleep.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the
owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost
every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his
collar: 'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's
trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'

[Timber Loftis]

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his
lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my
interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a
little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt,
pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be
short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her
adequate time to retreat to safety....?? WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.I loaded two AAA
batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed
it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!Unfortunately, I have
yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat
in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while
I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this
thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.I must admit I thought about zapping
Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a
sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect
herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top
with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose,
directions in one hand, and taser in another.The directions said that a
one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second
burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground
like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be
wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring
about 5'' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and
(loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-Abatteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible
way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...? I'm sitting there
alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it
idiot,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing
couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst
just for heck of it....... I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the
button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . ..
WHAT THE HECK!!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side
door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over
and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the
oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I
had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the
fireplace, obviously in an atempt to avoid getting slammed by my body
flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note
ofcaution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap
yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your
hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would
be considered conservative? SON-OF-A-GUN, THAT HURT LIKE HECK!!! A minute
or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I
collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the
landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner
was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps,
right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had
been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no
control over the drooling. Apparrently I crapped myself, but was too numb to know
for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my
head which I believe was came from my hair.

[Timber Loftis]

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED: MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, RUN AROUND ON ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or
legs.

The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!

The old man smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"

She snorted. "You don't have any arms either!"
Again, the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed???"
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "Rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

[Timber Loftis]

There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses, the results were pretty interesting:

30% of women think their ass is too fat............
10% of women think their ass is too skinny......

The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they wouldn't trade him for the world!

[Timber Loftis]

Women Are Evil By Nature...

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender.. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, I need you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."