Joke World 6-1-08

[Arvon]

Thought for today: You know, if you shrunk the solar system down to scale with Pluto touching your toes and Mercury at the top of your head, Uranus is exactly where you'd think it would be.

[Arvon]

In a small Texas town, Drummond's bar began construction on a new building to increase their business. The local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers. Work progressed right up till the week before opening when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground.
The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means. The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise in its reply to the court.

As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork. At the hearing he commented, "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that does not."

[Arvon]

The Miracle

The policeman signals to an car driver to pull over to the side of the road, due to the fact that he appears to be driving erratically. He says to the driver, "You appear to have been drinking!"

The driver answers, "No sir, I am just tired."

The policeman looks into the car and notices that the driver is a priest! He also notices that there is an empty bottle on the floor. He says to the driver, "What is, or should I say was in this bottle?

The driver answers, "Water!"

The policeman says, "It is not, it's wine!"

The driver looks up to the heavens and says, "Oh Lord, you have done it again!"

[Arvon]

Very PG....................



A bosun mate and a gunny sergeant were sitting on the fantail one day arguing over which was the superior service.
After a swig of coffee the Marine says, 'Well, we had Iwo Jima.'

Arching his eyebrows, the Sailor replies, 'We had the Battle of Midway.

'Not entirely true', responded the Marine. 'Some of those pilots were Marines, in fact, Henderson Field on Guadalcanal was named after a Marine pilot killed at the Battle of Midway.'

The Sailor responds, 'Point taken.'

The Marine then says, 'We Marines were born at Tunn Tavern!'

The sailor, nodding agreement, says, 'But we had John Paul Jones.'

The argument continued until the old sarge comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says...... 'The Marines invented sex!'

The bosun replies, 'That is true, but it was Sailors who introduced it to the ladies.'

[Arvon]

Oldie.....

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench
under a tree when one turns to the other and says, "Slim, I'm 73 years
old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my
age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, "Hell, I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really? Like a baby?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth and I think I just shit my pants."

[Timber Loftis]

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, JJ and Bo.

The three men had always done everything together, and were considered to be trouble makers at times.

JJ arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, JJ said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and JJ said, 'Nope, ain't Bubba.'

The mortician thought this was rather strange. So he brought Bo in to confirm the identity of the body.
Bo looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Bo said, 'No, it ain't Bubba.'

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'
Bo said, 'Well, Bubba had two a$$holes!'
What? He had two a$$holes?' asked the mortician.

Yup, we never seen 'em, but where ever we went, everybody used to say, 'There's Bubba with them two A-holes.'

[Timber Loftis]

An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha ... soon we will have been married for 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you on three occasions during these 50 years, but always for a good reason."

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by good reasons?"

Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house, because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home. But, what about the second time?"

Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night, and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."

"I recall that," said Henry "and, you did it to save my life. So, of course, I can forgive you for that. Now, tell me about the third occasion."

"Alright," Martha said, "do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club and you needed 73 more votes?"

[Timber Loftis]

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther,I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'

Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'

To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'

[Timber Loftis]

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep s**t."

[Timber Loftis]

A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate,
painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years
they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of
intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an
entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of
their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time,
the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife
to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched
with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though
in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife
needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'

The husband thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off
here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.'