More Jokes, coming up!! LOL

Charean · 10-19-2002, 02:10 PM

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done there were three finalists: two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a .45 revolver. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife," the man said. "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Six shots were heard, one shot after another. The agents heard screaming, crashing and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Kaltia · 10-19-2002, 02:12 PM

ROFL!!!!!!!!!! I have never laughed so much! *raises chair and advances on calaethis* teehee [img]graemlins/thumbsup.gif[/img] Charean!

Charean · 10-19-2002, 02:43 PM

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone and dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically.

His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it. When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing!?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"

Charean · 10-19-2002, 02:46 PM

A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye. It clearly announced, "$500 Porsche! New!"

The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but he said to himself, It's worth a shot.

So he went to the house of the lady who was selling the Porsche and she led him into the garage. Sure enough, there was an almost-brand-new Porsche.

"Wow!" the man exclaimed. "Can I take it for a test drive?"

"Sure," answered the lady.

Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly.

When he got back to the lady's house, he asked her, "Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?"

Then the lady replied with a laugh, "My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me, 'You can have the house and the furniture. Just sell my Porsche and send me the money.'"

Paladin2000 · 10-19-2002, 02:51 PM

Ha ha ha... all the jokes are damn funny. [img]graemlins/laugh2.gif[/img]

[ 10-19-2002, 02:52 PM: Message edited by: Paladin2000 ]

Charean · 10-19-2002, 02:55 PM

An English explorer decided to explore the mountains of Africa. Before his team went into the jungle, the guide told them about the Yeti.

"You must never go near the Yeti," he told them. "It is a very mean creature, but there is one thing worse then meeting a Yeti, and that is to touch it. For if you touch a Yeti, it will chase you to the ends of the earth and it will not stop until it catches you."

With that warning, the guide led them into the jungle. When it was too dark to go any farther, they made their camp, had dinner, and went to sleep. In the middle of the night our English explorer (we'll call him Throckmorton) heard something outside his tent. He peeked out of his sleeping bag and saw something horrible. It was the silhouette of the Yeti! And it was coming straight toward his tent! Throckmorton was frozen to the spot as the shape started to unzip the tent. He panicked and did something very stupid. He ran straight out the door of the tent, and in doing so CRASHED INTO THE YETI.

It screeched and followed Throckmorton as he ran down the mountain. Throckmorton jumped into a car and drove to the nearest airport, charged at the closest plane heading for England, and went home.

Two weeks after the adventure in Africa, Throckmorton was out for an early-morning walk when he saw the Yeti coming up the road! He took off in the other direction, grabbed a bicycle, and rode away as fast as he could go. He came to a car rental place and rented one, and took off again. After he had gone a hundred miles or so he stopped to look behind him. There was the Yeti, still following him!

Throckmorton drove as fast as he could until he came to an airport. He hopped on the first plane leaving. It happened to be going to Ireland. He got to Ireland, hopped on another bike, and rode until the handlebars fell off. He stopped to look behind him and saw… the Yeti. It was STILL following him!

Throckmorton broke out in a run. He ran until the sweat was pouring off him. He ran straight out onto the moor. He ran until he was so pooped he couldn't move. He looked to see if the Yeti was still following him. It was.

There was nowhere to go so Throckmorton just stood there. He made up his mind to give up. He turned and faced the Yeti bravely.

The Yeti stopped right in front of him and grinned.

It reached out its hairy arm and poked Throckmorton in the chest.

"TAG! YOU'RE IT!" it shouted, and ran off in the other direction.

Charean · 10-19-2002, 02:57 PM

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.

The Italian Customs agent stops them and says, "It's illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro."

"What do you mean it's illegal?" ask the Englishmen.

"Quattro means four," replies the Italian official.

"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen retort disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry 5 persons."

"You can't pull that one on me," replies the Italian customs agent. "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law."

The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over—I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds the Italian official, "he can't come. He's busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."

WillowIX · 10-19-2002, 03:33 PM

LMAO Chaeran! Oh, I wonder if my neighbours will come-a-knocking wondering what the fuss´s all about! lol

Xtrea · 10-23-2002, 02:05 PM

Those are the funniest jokes i have ever heard.

Charean · 10-23-2002, 03:28 PM

A man in a supermarket was pushing a cart which contained, among other things, a screaming baby. As the man proceeded along the aisles, he kept repeating softly, "Keep calm, George. Don't get excited, George. Don't yell, George."

A lady watched with admiration and then said, "You are certainly to be commended for your patience in trying to quiet little George."

"Lady," he declared, "I'M George!"

10-19-2002, 02:10 PM	#1
Charean Hathor Join Date: March 6, 2001 Location: Waxahachie, TX Age: 60 Posts: 2,201	The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done there were three finalists: two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a .45 revolver. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!" The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife," the man said. "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Six shots were heard, one shot after another. The agents heard screaming, crashing and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair." __________________ And then there were 6.

10-19-2002, 02:43 PM	#3
Charean Hathor Join Date: March 6, 2001 Location: Waxahachie, TX Age: 60 Posts: 2,201	A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone and dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it. When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else." "How can you say such a thing!?" asked the lawyer. The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you." "My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?" __________________ And then there were 6.

10-19-2002, 02:46 PM	#4
Charean Hathor Join Date: March 6, 2001 Location: Waxahachie, TX Age: 60 Posts: 2,201	A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye. It clearly announced, "$500 Porsche! New!" The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but he said to himself, It's worth a shot. So he went to the house of the lady who was selling the Porsche and she led him into the garage. Sure enough, there was an almost-brand-new Porsche. "Wow!" the man exclaimed. "Can I take it for a test drive?" "Sure," answered the lady. Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly. When he got back to the lady's house, he asked her, "Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?" Then the lady replied with a laugh, "My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me, 'You can have the house and the furniture. Just sell my Porsche and send me the money.'" __________________ And then there were 6.

10-19-2002, 02:51 PM	#5
Paladin2000 Fzoul Chembryl Join Date: February 19, 2002 Location: Your guess is as good as mine. Age: 52 Posts: 1,728	Ha ha ha... all the jokes are damn funny. [img]graemlins/laugh2.gif[/img] [ 10-19-2002, 02:52 PM: Message edited by: Paladin2000 ] __________________ (This is an invisible sig.)

10-19-2002, 02:55 PM	#6
Charean Hathor Join Date: March 6, 2001 Location: Waxahachie, TX Age: 60 Posts: 2,201	An English explorer decided to explore the mountains of Africa. Before his team went into the jungle, the guide told them about the Yeti. "You must never go near the Yeti," he told them. "It is a very mean creature, but there is one thing worse then meeting a Yeti, and that is to touch it. For if you touch a Yeti, it will chase you to the ends of the earth and it will not stop until it catches you." With that warning, the guide led them into the jungle. When it was too dark to go any farther, they made their camp, had dinner, and went to sleep. In the middle of the night our English explorer (we'll call him Throckmorton) heard something outside his tent. He peeked out of his sleeping bag and saw something horrible. It was the silhouette of the Yeti! And it was coming straight toward his tent! Throckmorton was frozen to the spot as the shape started to unzip the tent. He panicked and did something very stupid. He ran straight out the door of the tent, and in doing so CRASHED INTO THE YETI. It screeched and followed Throckmorton as he ran down the mountain. Throckmorton jumped into a car and drove to the nearest airport, charged at the closest plane heading for England, and went home. Two weeks after the adventure in Africa, Throckmorton was out for an early-morning walk when he saw the Yeti coming up the road! He took off in the other direction, grabbed a bicycle, and rode away as fast as he could go. He came to a car rental place and rented one, and took off again. After he had gone a hundred miles or so he stopped to look behind him. There was the Yeti, still following him! Throckmorton drove as fast as he could until he came to an airport. He hopped on the first plane leaving. It happened to be going to Ireland. He got to Ireland, hopped on another bike, and rode until the handlebars fell off. He stopped to look behind him and saw… the Yeti. It was STILL following him! Throckmorton broke out in a run. He ran until the sweat was pouring off him. He ran straight out onto the moor. He ran until he was so pooped he couldn't move. He looked to see if the Yeti was still following him. It was. There was nowhere to go so Throckmorton just stood there. He made up his mind to give up. He turned and faced the Yeti bravely. The Yeti stopped right in front of him and grinned. It reached out its hairy arm and poked Throckmorton in the chest. "TAG! YOU'RE IT!" it shouted, and ran off in the other direction. __________________ And then there were 6.

10-19-2002, 02:12 PM	#2
Kaltia Jack Burton Join Date: May 2, 2002 Location: Canterbury, England Age: 36 Posts: 5,817	ROFL!!!!!!!!!! I have never laughed so much! raises chair and advances on calaethis teehee [img]graemlins/thumbsup.gif[/img] Charean!

10-19-2002, 02:57 PM	#7
Charean Hathor Join Date: March 6, 2001 Location: Waxahachie, TX Age: 60 Posts: 2,201	Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian Customs agent stops them and says, "It's illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro." "What do you mean it's illegal?" ask the Englishmen. "Quattro means four," replies the Italian official. "Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen retort disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry 5 persons." "You can't pull that one on me," replies the Italian customs agent. "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law." The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over—I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!" "Sorry," responds the Italian official, "he can't come. He's busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno." __________________ And then there were 6.

10-19-2002, 03:33 PM	#8
WillowIX Apophis Join Date: July 10, 2001 Location: By a big blue lake, Canada Age: 50 Posts: 4,628	LMAO Chaeran! Oh, I wonder if my neighbours will come-a-knocking wondering what the fuss´s all about! lol __________________ Confuzzled by nature.

10-23-2002, 02:05 PM	#9
Xtrea The Magister Join Date: October 21, 2002 Location: Mukilteo Wa Age: 34 Posts: 107	Those are the funniest jokes i have ever heard. __________________ <br /> My Theme Song

10-23-2002, 03:28 PM	#10
Charean Hathor Join Date: March 6, 2001 Location: Waxahachie, TX Age: 60 Posts: 2,201	A man in a supermarket was pushing a cart which contained, among other things, a screaming baby. As the man proceeded along the aisles, he kept repeating softly, "Keep calm, George. Don't get excited, George. Don't yell, George." A lady watched with admiration and then said, "You are certainly to be commended for your patience in trying to quiet little George." "Lady," he declared, "I'M George!" __________________ And then there were 6.

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