Joke World 11-1

[Arvon]

A really old one , just to get it started.


Bad Salesman

John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted.

Bob, the owner, had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.

Just then a man came in coughing and he ask John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once.

The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.

Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.

"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once" John explained.

"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough!" Bob shouted angrily.

"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post.

"Just look at him. He's afraid to cough!"

[Bungleau]

You started it with the salesman jokes...

A young guy from California moves to Colorado and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was named 'Best Salesman in the State' back home in California."

Well, the boss liked the idea of that, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

"So, Mr. Best Salesman in the State," the boss says, "how many sales did you make?"

The kid says, "One."

The boss says, "Just one?! My sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day! How much was the sale for?"

Kid says, "$101,237.64."

The boss is staggered -- that's more than what everyone together averages. "$101,237.64? What did you sell him?"

"Let's see," the kid says. "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then I asked him what he was going to pull it with, and he said he had a Honda Civic. I told him that wasn't big enough for a boat that heavy, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him a new V8 SUV."

"Wow!" the boss said. "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"

Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Well, since your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'..."

[Arvon]

An old woman was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store. When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked what she had taken. The lady replied, "A can of peaches." The judge then asked why she had done it. She replied, "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store." The judge asked how many peaches were in the can. She replied, "Nine." The judge said, "Well then, I'm going to give you nine days in jail--one day for each peach." As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady's husband raised his hand and asked if he might speak. The judge said, "Yes, what do you have to add?" The husband said, "Your honor, she also stole a can of peas."

[Arvon]

Re-released hits for baby boomers:
“You’re So Varicose Vein” by Carly Simon
“How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?” by the BeeGees
“The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face” by Roberta Flack
“I Can’t See Clearly Now” by Johnny Nash
“Papa Got A Kidney Stone” by the Temptations
“These Boots Give Me Arthritis” by Nancy Sinatra
“You Make Me Feel Like Napping” by Leo Sayer
“Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom” by the Commodores
“A Whiter Shade of Hair” by Procol Harum
“I Get By with a Little Help from Depends” by the Beatles
“Rikki, Don’t Lose Your Car Keys” by Steely Dan
“Mrs. Brown, You’ve Got a Lovely Walker” by Herman's Hermits
“Talkin’ ‘Bout My Medication” by the Who
“Bald Thing” by the Troggs
“You Can’t Always Pee When You Want” by the Rolling Stones
“I Heard It through the Grape Nuts” by Marvin Gaye
And last, but definitely not least, “Bad Prune Rising” by Credence Clearwater Revivial (our personal favorite)

[Arvon]

Real Oldie

Hunting Flies

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh!, Killed any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females", he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone".

[Arvon]

Senate Slander

A member of the United States Senate, known for his hot temper and acid tongue, exploded one day in mid-session and began to shout, "Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"
All the other Senators demanded that the angry member withdraw his statement, or be removed from the remainder of the session.

After a long pause, the angry member acquiesced. "OK," he said, "I withdraw what I said. Half of this Senate is NOT made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"

[Arvon]

A MATTER OF COMMUNICATION
There was a nice lady who was a little old fashioned. She was considering a week's vacation in sunny Florida at a particular campground, but she wanted to make sure of the accommodations first.

Uppermost in her mind were toilet facilities, but she couldn't bring herself to write "toilet" in a letter. After considerable deliberation, she settled on "bathroom commode," but when she wrote that down, it still sounded too forward, so she rewrote the letter to the campground, and referred to the "bathroom commode" as the "B.C.."

"Does the campground have its own B. C.?" is what she actually wrote.

The campground owner was baffled by the euphemism, so he showed the letter around to several people at the campground, but they couldn't decipher it either. Finally, the campground owner concluded that she must be referring to the local Baptist Church, so he sat down and responded:

"Dear Madam:

"I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take pleasure in informing you that a BC is located nine miles north of the campground, and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit that it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a full day of it. They arrive early and stay late!

"The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded that we had to stand up the entire time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. The supper is going to be held in the basement of the BC.

"I would like to say that it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely from no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather!

"If you do decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you to the BC the first time, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks. REMEMBER, WE ARE WIDELY KNOWN AS A FRIENDLY COMMUNITY, SO COME ON DOWN AND WE'LL ALL ENJOY THE BC TOGETHER!!!"




Robert (Bob) Pitts
MID-LYD Systems

[Arvon]

One day an older fella was in for a checkup. After his examination, his doctor was amazed.

"Holy cow! Mr. Edwards, I must say that you are in the greatest shape of any 64 year old I have ever examined!"

"Did I say I was 64?"

"Well, no, did I read your chart wrong?"

"Damn straight you did! I'm 85!"

"85!! Unbelievable! You would be in great shape if you were 25! How old was your father when he died?"

"Did I say he was dead?"

"You mean..."

"Damn straight! He's 106 and going strong!"

"My Lord! What a healthy family you must come from! How long did your grandfather live?"

"Did I say he was dead?"

"No! You can't mean..."

"Damn straight! He's 126, and getting married next week!"

"126! Truly amazing, Mr. Edwards. But gee, I wouldn't think a man would want to get married at that age!"

"Did I say he wanted to get married?..."

[machinehead]

A Priest, a Pentecostal Preacher and a Rabbi all served as
chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette .They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss their
experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and
has various bandages on his body and limbs, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled
him and Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle!

I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and
DOWN another until we came to a creek.

So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. "We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in real bad shape.

The Rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start.

[Arvon]

A doctor with a mean sense of humor goes to meet her new patient in the exam room. First thing she says: "Well, Mr. Smith, as we discussed, you will experience some short-term memory loss."