For those dads that have daughters...

[Larry_OHF]

Copyright 1998 W. Bruce Cameron
http://www.wbrucecameron.com/
====> Please do NOT remove the copyright from this essay! <===

When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend's father, who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on his daughter's chest. He would open the door and immediately affect a good-naturedly murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds.

Now, years later, it is my turn to be the dad. Remembering how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my best to make my daughter's suitors feel even worse. My motto: wilt them in the living room and they'll stay wilted all night.

"So," I'll call out jovially. "I see you have your nose pierced. Is that because you're stupid, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid?"

As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room.


Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure as heck not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you.

Rule Five:
In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process which can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places lacking parents, policemen, or nuns. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her chin. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay.


My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me attempting to get her date to recite these eight simple rules from memory. I'd be embarrassed too—there are only eight of them, for crying out loud! And, for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of these cretins that I'd have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn't remember them. (I checked into it and the cost is prohibitive.) I merely told him that I thought writing the rules on his arm with a ball point might be inadequate—ink washes off—and that my wood burning set was probably a better alternative.

One time, when my wife caught me having one of my daughter's would-be suitors practice pulling into the driveway, get out of the car, and go up to knock on the front door (he had violated rule number one, so I figured he needed to run through the drill a few dozen times) she asked me why I was being so hard on the boy. "Don't you remember being that age?" she challenged.

Of course I remember. Why do you think I came up with the eight simple rules?


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Larry, a Loyal Guardian of the OHF

[onthepequod]

Larry,

Great post!!
Every father, of a daughter, could use a copy of this.

[John D Harris]

Larry, love the post. Are you a John "boy" & Billy listner?
What I did was shot the first pondscum and mounted his head above the fireplace in my den. Now when any of the pondscum come by to pick up one of my daughters I bring them in to den and explain that that one gave me trouble. There is an 18 inch rule with one of my daughters, 18 inches of atmosphere at all times between them. Daughters are the most wonderful Curse that a man can have. Not because daughters are a curse but because we were young boys once ourselves and we KNOW what the little *@#%&^%*^#%&@*@(*I$#^&@(*!*&@@$( think!

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"the memories of a man in his old age,
are deeds of a man in his prime"

[Sazerac]

Is it just me or is it a general rule,
that the naughtier a person was in their youth,
the stricter they are as a parent?!

Great post, Larry_OHF!!!

(and I KNOW what you mean about the little @^$&%&$#!'s ... I have to teach them!

[John D Harris]

Originally posted by Sazerac: Is it just me or is it a general rule, that the naughtier a person was in their youth, the stricter they are as a parent?! Great post, Larry_OHF!!! (and I KNOW what you mean about the little @^$&%&$#!'s ... I have to teach them!

I was an Nice Guy, the one that all the mothers wanted their daugthers to date (KISS OF DEATH), but I thought just like all the rest Of the *(*&^%$^&$#&*%



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"the memories of a man in his old age,
are deeds of a man in his prime"

[onthepequod]

Right you are John D.

But I see a flaw in your "mounted head as an example" technique.

Where I am originally from, borders the high desert. And indigenous to this type of are are little vermin (notice the analogy building) that we knew as "wistle pigs" (because of the high pitched whistling noise they made whenever danger approached). A popular pastime among young boys was to take thier 22 caliber rifles and walk out into the desert, shooting these overpopulated disease ridden vermin (again notice the analogy building) as they went. Then on the way out the shooting of these vermin became easier since thier cannibalistic nature compeled them to eat at thier fallen bretheren while the boys would walk up to point blank range and finish them off too. Hence, my point is this; these specimens of pondscum may only see this mounted head as a lessening in the competition and consequently welcome this, instead of realizing the danger present.

[John D Harris]

Onthepequod, Yeh, you have a point there I'll need to add cleaning my guns to formal introduction and question period.

[onthepequod]

I have always thought that checking all apendages, at the door, that are not required for walking or holding the door for a young lady would be appropriate. These items (or more accurately "this item") can be reclaimed once the daughter is returned. Explain to him that it's just like checking out a library book, only a little more painful.

[Moiraine]

As an ex-daughter, I can vouch that a father can be a pain in the ass at times ! (Sorry, Dad ... )

A daughter can put that to good use, though : present a boyfriend to your father, if he is still alive and hasn't run away and still tells you that he loves you after that, then he DOES love you after all !



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The world is my oyster !
And now I have the knives to open it ...

[WOLFGIR]

Hehe. Cool topic!

I have a tip for thoose fathers that are seriously worried about there daughters being safe (that would be most I guess..).

Send them to Krav maga schools to train. After that they can take care of themselves. I promise you. It is not like Judo or anything like that bow to your enemy..
Krav Maga has alot of techniques that are designed for women to use against aggressors and differ from what guys learn since females are usally not as strong in general. These techniques works. i promise, I have been the target for them during training and I gave me best and got a blue eye in the process =) hehe,,

So let them train. And if you are stil worried, go train with them...

just a little post in the middle of all

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WOLF WINS EVERY FIGHT BUT ONE, AND IN THAT ONE, HE DIES