JJ (and Vicotnik) invite you in 4 laughs-PG13-G

In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with
clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in
civilized society, it is called golf.

Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.

Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are
those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.

Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.

The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and
not too often.

There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends,
play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.

Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of
poor players.

An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice: once
before swinging, and once again after swinging.

Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because the cart
cannot count, criticize or laugh.



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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

> Please leave a message
>
> Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the
> International Institute of Answering Machine Answers.
>
> 1] My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll
> leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as
> we're finished.
>
> 2] A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why
> we're not here. So leave a message.
>
> 3] Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent
> the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are
> my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.
> If you are my friends,you owe me money. If you are a female,
> don't worry, I have plenty of money.
>
> 4] "Hi. Now you say something."
>
> 5] "Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you
> can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep."
>
> 6] "Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"
>
> 7] (From Japanese friend) He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave
> message, I call you soon. If you leave *sexy* message,
> I call sooner!
>
> 8] "Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his
> refrigerator. please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your
> message to myself with one of these magnets."
>
> 9] "Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving
> messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub,
> and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their
> office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still
> with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to
you."
>
> 10] "This is not an answering machine -this is a telepathic
> thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your
> name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach
> you, and I'll think about returning your call."
>
> 11] "Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't
> like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."
>
> 12] "Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right
> now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call
> you back."
>
> 13] "If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning
> our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise,
> we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."
>
> 14] Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain
> silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used
> by us.
>
> 15] Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone
> right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy.
> Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left
> to right .... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're
> done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.
>



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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

> > Worlds Thinnest Books
> >
> > 20. BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno
> >
> > 19. HOME BUILT AIRPLANES by John Denver
> >
> > 18. HOW TO GET TO THE SUPER BOWL by Dan Marino
> >
> > 17. THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton
> >
> > 16. MY LIFE'S MEMORIES by Ronald Reagan
> >
> > 15. THINGS I CAN'T AFFORD by Bill Gates
> >
> > 14. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman
> >
> > 13. THE WILD YEARS - by Al Gore
> >
> > 12. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN
> >
> > 11. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
> >
> > 10. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE
> >
> > 9. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
> >
> > 8. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
> >
> > 7. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
> >
> > 6. ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen DeGeneres
> >
> > 5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
> >
> > 4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the Sierra Club
> >
> > 3. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
> >
> > 2. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O. J. Simpson
> >
> > 1. MY BOOK OF MORALS - by Bill Clinton
> > (with a forward by Rev. Jesse Jackson)


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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

>
> WOMEN'S ULTIMATE FANTASY
>
> In a recent Harris On-line poll, 38,562 men across the US were asked
to
> identify women's ultimate fantasy.
>
> 97.8% of the respondents said that a woman's ultimate fantasy is to
> have two men at once.
>
> While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it
> appears that most men do not realize that, in this fantasy, one
> man is cooking and the other is cleaning.
>


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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

Today's MailBits.com Joke:

1. Cats do what they want, when they want.

2. They rarely listen to you.

3. They're totally unpredictable.

4. They whine when they are not happy.

5. When you want to play they want to be left alone.

6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.

7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.

8. They're moody.

9. They leave their hair everywhere.

10. They drive you nuts.

Conclusion: Cats are small women in fur coats.

-------------------------------------------------------------
Funny Thoughts
"Many aspire to serve God--but only in an advisory capacity." -Anon.
-------------------------------------------------------------

QUICK WIT:

What is a man's worst nightmare?
a) The Super Bowl is preempted by a soap opera.
b) His wife has amnesia and forgets how to cook so he has to
do it himself.
c) A female boss.
d) He has to ask his wife for money.



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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

Buying Tampons?

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The
salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that
he
is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the
correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball
of
string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for
your
wife?"

He answers, "You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the
store
to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco
and
some rolling paper. So, I figure that if I have to roll my own, SO DOES
SHE!"




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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The
teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to
swallow a human because even though they were a very large
mammal their throat was very small

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human;
it was impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah"

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."



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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

A policeman was interviewing 3 blondes who were training to become
detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the
first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your
suspect, how would you recognize him?" The first blonde answers, "That's
easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman
says,
"Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture
for 5
seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how
would
you recognize him?" The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says,
"Ha!
He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of
course
only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his
profile!!
Is that the best answer you can come up with? Extremely frustrated at
this
point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy
voice
asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly
adds
"...think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says,
"Hmmmm...the
suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman is surprised and speechless
because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or
not.

Well, that's an interesting answer...wait here for a few minutes while I
check his file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and
goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes
back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it...it's
TRUE!
The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you
able
to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses
because he
only has one eye and one ear."




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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

The Nun Who Swore


A young nun was talking with her Mother Superior.
"I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible
about
it," she told the older nun.

"When did you use this awful language?" asked her elder.

"Well," replied the young nun. "I was golfing and hit an incredible
drive
that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a
phone
line that is hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the
ground
after going only about 100 yards."

"Is that when you swore?"

"No, Mother," replied the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the
bushes and grabbed the ball in its mouth and began to run away."

"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the Mother Superior again.

"Well, no," said the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an
eagle
came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in its talons and began
to
fly away!"

"So THAT'S when you swore!" exclaimed the amazed elder nun.

"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it
flew
near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap,
rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole." The
two
nuns were silent for a moment.

Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the damn putt, didn't
you?"




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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

Subject: Lone Ranger and Tonto

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert, set up their tent,
and are asleep. Some hours later, The Lone Ranger wakes his faithful
friend.
"Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Tonto replies, "Me see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" ask The Lone Ranger.
Tonto ponders for a minute.
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of
galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells
me
that
Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter
past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we
are
small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a
beautiful
day tomorrow.
The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then speaks.
"Tonto, you Dumb Ass, someone has stolen our tent!



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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To