JJ (and Vicotnik) invite you in 4 laughs-PG13-G

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station.
They
approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it.

"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pumps of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the
greeting.

Again there was no response.

The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pumps haughty
attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings earthling.
We
come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your
leader,
or I'll fire!"

The other alien shouted to his comrade, "No, you don't want to make him
mad!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired. There
was
a huge explosion that blew both of them 5 miles into the desert, where
they
landed in a heap rather abruptly.

When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to
the
other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us!
How
did you know it was so dangerous?"

The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my
travels through the galaxy, when a guy has a penis he can wrap around
himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, you don't mess with
him."


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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
He
rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the
morning.
"I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.
Then,
a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door
and
there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to
realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"

"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and
slams
the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and
she
says,

"Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down
in
the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and
you
had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would
have
happened if he'd told us to get lost?

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be
the
Christian thing to help him."

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.
He
opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he
shouts,

"Hey, do you still want a push??"

And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"

The drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing."



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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

[Charean]

Traveling through New England, a motorist stopped for gas in a tiny village. "What's this place called?" he asked the station attendant.

"All depends," the native drawled. "Do you mean by them that has to live in this dad-blamed, moth-eaten, dust-covered dump, or by them that's merely enjoying its quaint and picturesque rustic charms for a short spell."

------------------

Defender for the Light -
Goodness knows there is a lot of Dark out there!! - Where are my matches?!?
The secret is knowing the rules so you can bend/break them selectively!!!
Aquisition master of the Finest of Humours - and the Killer Joke
Musketeer of Fast Fourward
Looking for lost brain - I left it only for a moment....and there it goes... rolling under the table!!
Noticing that the Light has gotten further down a Dark Tunnel than expected... Time to get the Lantern... Knowing sooner or later - I will get to the End of this Tunnel to the Open Air once again...

[Charean]

A Sunday School teacher asked her pupils, "Now, children, do you all say your prayers at night?"

A little boy answered: "My Mommy says my prayers."

"I see," said the teacher, "and what does your Mother say?"

Replied the little boy: "THANK GOD HE'S IN BED!"

------------------

Defender for the Light -
Goodness knows there is a lot of Dark out there!! - Where are my matches?!?
The secret is knowing the rules so you can bend/break them selectively!!!
Aquisition master of the Finest of Humours - and the Killer Joke
Musketeer of Fast Fourward
Looking for lost brain - I left it only for a moment....and there it goes... rolling under the table!!
Noticing that the Light has gotten further down a Dark Tunnel than expected... Time to get the Lantern... Knowing sooner or later - I will get to the End of this Tunnel to the Open Air once again...

[Shadow]

Originally posted by JJ/newbie: A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??" "No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost? "But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" The drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing."

I saw that on a screensavers website!

Game Warden


A man was stopped by a game-warden in Northern Michigan recently with
two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those
fish?"
The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.
"Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let
them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their
buckets, and I take em home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!" the warden said.
The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here,
I'll show you. It really works.
"O.K. I've GOT to see this!" The game warden was curious now.
The man poured the fish in to the river and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said,
"Well."
"Well, What?" the man responded.
"When are you going to call them back?" The game warden prompted.
"Call who back?" The man asked. "The FISH!?" "What fish?" The man asked.

Subject: Honesty


Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's
minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught
in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the
attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house
all to myself, but I'm recently "widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid
the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "Well be happy to sleep in the barn. And if
the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light," The lady agreed, and
the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an
attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally
determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he
had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember
that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday
up North?"

"Yes, I do.

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the
house and pay her a visit?"

"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have
to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.

Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."



------------------
Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

A football coach walked into the locker room before a game,
looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to
let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there.
So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you
get it right, you can play."

The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes
intently and asks, "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me
the answer to this. What is two plus two?"

The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "4?"

"Did you say 4?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it
right.

At that, all the other players on the team began screaming,
"Come on coach, give him another chance!"
QUICK WIT:

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't
zigzag?



------------------
Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

Some of these have been around before but they're still funny
These are from a book called Disorder in the Court.
They are things people actually said in court, word for word,taken down
and now published by court reporters -- who had the torment of staying
calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
================================================== ==========
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
************************************************** *****************
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the
impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
************************************************** *****************
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten?
************************************************** *****************
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
************************************************** *****************
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up
that morning?
A: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
************************************************** *****************
Q. Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the
occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
************************************************** *****************
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
************************************************** *****************
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
************************************************** *****************
Q: Mrs. Jamison, were you present when your picture was taken?
************************************************** *****************
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
************************************************** *****************
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
************************************************** *****************
Q How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
************************************************** ********
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this individual a male, or a female?
************************************************** *****************
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
************************************************** *****************
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All of them, all my autopsies are usually performed on dead people.
************************************************** *****************
Q All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
************************************************** *****************
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
************************************************** *****************
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
************************************************** *****************
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
somewhere.




------------------
Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in high school was my
blood alcohol content.

Home is where you can say anything you like 'cause
nobody listens to you anyway.

I live in my own little world, but it's ok... they know me
here.

"I saw a fat woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess'
on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'"

"I got a sweater for Christmas... I wanted a screamer
or a moaner."

I see your IQ test results were negative.

Regular naps prevent old age.....especially if you
take them while driving.

Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it,
chances are you won't either.

If God had intended for man to use the metric system,
Jesus would have only had ten disciples!

I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many
of them get elected.
AMEN

If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.

I have learned there is little difference in wives, so
you might as well keep the first.

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you
tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.

Travel is very educational. I can now say "Kaopectate"
in seven different languages.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one
special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Save Your Breath... You'll need it to blow up your date!

I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's
been giving me lately!

"Everyday I beat my own previous record for number
of consecutive days I've stayed alive."

Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly
by just one busted condom?

"No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team
is winning."

I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign:
CHECKOUT TIME IS 18."

Midlife is when you go to the doctor and you realize
you are now so old, you have to pay someone to
look at you naked.

"If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see
so many dead rabbits on the highway?"

"How come we choose from just two people for
president and 50 for Miss America?"

Ever notice that people who spend money on beer,
cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining
about being broke and not feeling well?

On my first day of school my parents dropped me
off at the wrong nursery. There I was... surrounded
by trees and bushes.

Middle age is when you choose your cereal for
the fiber, not the toy.

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like
having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you're in bed
with a relative.

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't
want to see naked?

I mixed Rogaine with Viagra... now I've got hair
like Don King.

I just got back from a pleasure trip - I drove my wife
to the airport!

My wife and I were happy for twenty years... then we met.




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Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To