Pure Amusement

[Charean]

A man is caught sitting at a make-shift campfire by a forest ranger, and to the ranger's horror, the man is eating a bald eagle. The man is consequently arrested for the crime. On the day of his trial, the conversation went something like this:

JUDGE: "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?"

MAN: "Yes I do. But if you let me argue my case, I'll explain what happened."

JUDGE: "Proceed."

MAN: "I got lost in the woods. I hadn't had anything to eat for two weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish. I knew that if I followed the Eagle I could maybe steal the fish. I caught up with the eagle who lighted upon a tree stump to eat the fish. I threw a stone toward the eagle hoping he would drop the fish and fly away. Unfortunately, in my weakened condition, my aim was off, and the rock hit the eagle squarely on his poor little head, and killed it. I thought long and hard about what had happened, but figured that since I killed it I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground."

JUDGE: "The court will take a recess while I consider your testimony."

(15 minutes goes by and the judge returns.)

JUDGE: "Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you didn't intend to kill the eagle, the court will dismiss the charges."

The Judge then leans over the bench and whispers: "If you don't mind my asking, what does a bald eagle taste like?"

MAN: "Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe it is somewhere between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl."

[Charean]

Sports Quotes From England.... (even if you don't like sports, they are funny as all get out!!)

"And here's Moses Kiptanui, the 19 year old Kenyan,
who turned 20 a few weeks ago." (David Coleman)

"Its a great advantage to be able to hurdle with both
legs" (David Coleman)

"We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the
start of the race, only exactly the opposite." (Murray Walker)

After playing Cameroon in the 1990 world cup finals: "We
didn't underestimate them. They were just a lot better than
we thought." (Bobby Robson)

On the difficulties of adjusting to playing football and
living in Italy: "It was like being in a foreign country."
(Ian Rush)

Jimmy Hill: "Don't sit on the fence Terry. What chance do
you think Germany has of getting through?
Terry Venables: "I think it's 50-50."

"I was in a no-win situation, so I'm glad that I won rather
than lost." (Frank Bruno)

"There's going to be a real ding-dong when the bell goes."
(David Coleman)

"There is Brendan Foster, by himself, with 20,000 people."
(David Coleman)

"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind
it which is identical." (Murray Walker)

"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
(Greg Norman)

"There have been injuries and deaths in boxing, but none
of them serious." (Alan Minter)

"Watch the time. It gives you an indication of how fast they
are running." (Ron Pickering)

"Just under 10 seconds for Nigel Mansel. Call it 9.5 seconds
in round numbers." (Murray Walker)

"A brain Scan revealed that Andrew Caddick is not suffering
from stress fracture of the shin." (Jo Sheldon)

"That's inches away from being millimetre perfect." (Ted Lowe)

"I'll fight Lloyd Honeyghan for nothing if the price is right."
(Marlon Starling)

"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the
same thing again." (Terry Venables)

"I can't tell who's leading. It's either Oxford or Cambridge."
(John Snagge - Boat Race between Oxford and Cambridge)

"The Queen's Park Oval, exactly as its name suggests, is
absolutely round." (Tony Crozier)


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Defender for the Light -
Goodness knows there is a lot of Dark out there!! - Where are my matches?!?
Wandering Soul - Finding my life's calling is Bodhisattva
You are what your deep driving desire is; As your deep driving desire is, so is your will; As your will is so is your deed; As your deed is so is your destiny.
The Upanishads

[Charean]

The Top 10 Signs You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart:

10. You get a threatening note made up of letters cut out of a magazine with pinking shears, and they're all the same size, the same font, and precisely lined up in razor-sharp rows.

9. That telltale lemon slice in the dog's water bowl.

8. On her show she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly like your split-level, right down to the fallen-over licorice downspout and the stuck half-open graham cracker garage door.

7. You find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite tarragon, rose petal & saffron demi-glace', with pecan-crusted hearts of palm and a delicate mint-fennel sauce.

6. The unmistakable aroma of potpourri follows you even after you leave the bathroom.

5. You discover that every napkin in the entire house has been folded into a swan.

4. No matter "where" you eat, your place setting always includes an oyster fork.

3. Twice this week you've been the victim of a drive-by doilying.

2. You wake up in the hospital with a concussion and endive stuffing in every orifice.

and the NUMBER 1 Sign You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart . . .

1. You awaken one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely at your temple.

[Charean]

Star Trek Chickens

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

Chakotay: Whatever its reason, whatever its goals, we should respect its right to cross the road and seek its own spiritual awareness.

Neelix: Actually, Captain, I'm not really familiar with the chickens in this system. But, if you can catch it, I can cook it.

Riker: I don't know why, but I know how: with pleasure, sir.

Worf: I don't know. KLINGON chickens do NOT cross roads.

HoloDoc: How should I know? No one tells me anything around here. I didn't even know we added chickens to the crew. All I know is that it would have been nice, BEFORE the chicken went off to the cross the road, if it had remembered to turn me off!

Dr. Crusher: If there's nothing wrong with the chicken, there must be something wrong with the universe.

Scotty: Because she couldna take much morrrrrre.

Odo: I don't know, but I'm sure it must be Quark's fault.

Quark: Who, me?

Kirk: You chicken bastard, you killed my son...YOU chicken BASTARD, you killed...my SON...you CHICKEN bastard....youkilledmy...son!

Troi: I feel the chicken's pain!

Kira: It was probably being chased by those cursed Cardassians.

Bones: Dammit, I'm a doctor, not an ornithologist!

Data: The chicken, in observing that it was on the opposite side of the 20th century Terran paved roadway, was aware that its immediate goal should have been to traverse the distance without interception by an kind of combustion-propelled personal transport vehicle, but I am unclear as to why any kind of domesticated fowl should desire to perambulate upon a conveyance normally reserved for the usage of . . . yes, sir.

The Borg: Crossing the road is irrelevant. The chicken will be assimilated.

Hugh the Borg: Maybe it just needed a big hug!

B'Elanna: I'm sure it felt suffocated by all the bleeping regulations of bleeping Starfleet and just couldn't stand it any longer!

Picard: There are four lights!

Q: Wouldn't you like to know? Too bad your puny human brain wouldn't be able to comprehend the answer.

Uhura: Shall I open hailing frequencies so you can ask it, sir?

Tasha: That depends...was it fully functional?

Chekov: It must have been on its way to assist in saving my life for the billionth time . . . did I scream this time?

Khan: With my last breath I spit at the chicken...

Harry: I don't know, it's my first mission.

Paris: Well, I think that...say, that's a lovely shirt you're wearing.

Harry Mudd: Chicken? I don't remember any chicken. No no no, there's been a terrible misunderstanding.

Janeway: Its primary goal was no doubt to get back to the Alpha Quadrant...and it probably misses its dog.

Nurse Chapel: Oh, Spock!

Lwaxana: Oh, Jean-Luc!

Spock: Fascinating, Captain.

V'Ger: To join with the Creator.

The Grand Nagus: Stupid chicken! You don't cross the road all at once! You sneak across it quietly, without anyone noticing!

Gul Dukat: Well, that's a very interesting question...I'm sure we can work out some kind of arrangement to obtain that information that will be to everyone's satisfaction.

Kes: It was remembering back to the times when its ancestors crossed roads all the time! They lost those abilities because they stopped using them!

O'Brien: No problem, Commander, I'll get right on it.

Wesley: I'm not sure, but I can figure it out if I reroute these systems and reconfigure the warp field and run a complete internal whootchacallit on the computers and . . .

Sisko: It was seeking deeper meaning. Jake, do you see what we've learned from all this?

Geordi: Well, wherever it's going, I'm sure it'll have more luck with women than I do.

Sulu: Don't call me Tiny!

Sarek: Sometimes logic fails me where chickens are concerned.

Mr. Homn:

Dax: To get to the other side. Kurzon might have disagreed with me, Tobin I'm sure wouldn't have had a clue,and then there's . . .

Tuvok: That's not a question we'd prefer to hear from a senior officer. It makes the junior officers nervous.

[Charean]

A college graduate applied for a job as an industrial spy. Together with several other applicants, he was given a sealed envelope and told to take it to the fourth floor.

As soon as the young man was alone, he stepped into an empty hallway and opened the packet. Inside, a message read: "You're our kind of person. Report to the fifth floor."

[Donut]

G.W.Bush was very depressed that people were saying he is stupid. So
he calls his good friend Queen Elizabeth, who says, "Now George,
what you need to do is to surround yourself with smart people. Let
me show you."

She calls Tony Blair in and asks, "Tony, your parents had a baby. It
isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?"

Tony Blair replies, "It's me!"

So G.W. calls Dick Cheney and says, "Dick, your parents had a baby.
It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?"

And Cheney says, "Wow, that's a tough one. Let me get back to you."

So Cheney calls Colin Powell and says, "Colin, your parents had a
baby. It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?"

And Colin Powell says, "It's me!"

So Cheney calls Bush and says, "It's Colin Powell."

And Bush says, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"




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Save Chip - Don't let Sarah win!
Official Titterer of the Laughing Hyenas

[Cloudbringer]

Originally posted by Zeeke75: Getting back to the original point of this thread.... The "real story" of the three bears It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest, and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge,"he squeaks? Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge," he> roars? Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? "It was 'Momma Bear' who got up first. "It was 'Momma Bear' who woke everybody else in the house up. "It was 'Momma Bear' who made the Coffee. "It was 'Momma Bear' who unloaded the dishwasher from last night,and put everything away. "It was 'Momma Bear' who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper "It was 'Momma Bear' who set the table. "It was 'Momma Bear' who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water & food dish. "And, now that you've decided to come downstairs and grace the household with your presence ... listen good, 'cause I'm only going to say this one time... "I haven't made the @!#$%^&*&* porridge, yet!

LOL..and oldie...posted that someplace a while back and lost my copy. Thanks!

Cloudy

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Raindancer of the Laughing Hyenas Clan
Storm-Queen
StormCloud of the Black Knight: Heart Mind Soul Forever
"To sleep, perchance to dream..."

[Charean]

There's a little old Christian lady living next door to an atheist.
Every morning the lady comes out onto her front porch and shouts "Praise the Lord!".
The atheist yells back, "There is no God".
She does this every morning with the same result.

As time goes on the lady runs into financial difficulties and has trouble buying food. She goes out onto the porch and asks God for help with groceries, then says "Praise the Lord".

The next morning she goes out onto the porch and there’s the groceries she's asked for, of course she says "Praise the Lord".

The atheist jumps out from behind a bush and says, "Ha, I bought those groceries - there is no God".

The lady looks at him and smiles, she shouts "Praise the Lord, not only did you provide for me Lord, you made Satan pay for the groceries!!"