Vaskez, back once again with the bad jokes :D

Vaskez · 10-07-2005, 10:37 AM

The healthiest things in the world are birthdays...the more you have of them, the longer you live

Doctor: I'm afraid I've got some bad news, you won't be able to have sex for the rest of your life
Patient: What?! How am I gonna manage that?
Doctor: I'm sure you'll manage, it's only a week

The Ferrari formula 1 team has replaced its entire team of mechanics after testing out a group of hungarian used car dealers. The hungarian dealers switched the wheels in 4 seconds, and in this time they also managed to tamper with the gear box, reset the mileometer and sell the whole car to McLaren.

Sign in a restaurant gents' toilet:
"Please do not throw cigarette butts into the toilets. The hands that have to remove them from there are the same hands that prepare your dinner."

Girl: Dad, John's asked for my hand in marriage, but I don't feel I can leave mum!!
Dad: It's ok dear, just take her with you then

A man's at the optician's...
Optician: Sir, I think you need to stop masturbating
Man: why will I go blind?
Optician: No, but it's disturbing the other patients

Got a few more but they might be a bit unsuitable for this forum

[ 10-07-2005, 10:38 AM: Message edited by: Vaskez ]

Cloudbringer · 10-07-2005, 11:13 AM

GROAN!

NewbietoRPGs · 10-07-2005, 11:19 AM

A lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas . He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The lawyer responded, "I Shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I'm one of the best trial attorneys in California and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Texas . We settle small disagreements like this with, "The Texas Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What's that?"
The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.
The barrister was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet, wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you
old coot. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

Krowlars · 10-07-2005, 11:30 AM

BUAHAHAHA! That was REALLY wicked!

Vaskez · 10-07-2005, 11:33 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by NewbietoRPGs:
A lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas . He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The lawyer responded, "I Shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I'm one of the best trial attorneys in California and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Texas . We settle small disagreements like this with, "The Texas Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What's that?"
The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.
The barrister was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet, wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you
old coot. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

you bastard, I posted this about 2 years ago, how did you remember?

Vaskez · 10-07-2005, 11:48 AM

lmao I can't find my link, but I did find two others who posted that joke

http://www.ironworksforum.com/ubb/no...=013144#000007

for one

armageddon272 · 10-08-2005, 10:45 AM

How about this little excert from Blackadder II.

Edmund: Right Baldrick, let's try again shall we? This is called adding. If I have two
beans, and then I add two more beans, what do I have?
Baldrick: Some beans.
Edmund:Yes...and no. Let's try again shall we? I have two beans, then I add two more
beans. What does that make?
Baldrick: A very small casserole.
Edmund: Baldrick, the ape creatures of the Indus have mastered this. Now try again. One,
two, three, four. So how many are there?
Baldrick: Three
Edmund: What?
Baldrick: And that one.
Edmund: Three and that one. So if I add that one to the three what will I have?
Baldrick: Oh! Some beans.
Edmund: Yes. To you Baldrick, the renaissance was just something that happened to
other people wasn't it?

burnzey boi · 10-11-2005, 05:32 AM

Lol, I like the scene where he buys a giant turnip.

mad=dog · 10-11-2005, 07:01 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Vaskez:
Sign in a restaurant gents' toilet:
"Please do not throw cigarette butts into the toilets. The hands that have to remove them from there are the same hands that prepare your dinner."

My regular pub in my hometown has a painted tile above the toilet. It reads:
"Don't toss cigarette buds into my toilet. I don't piss in your ashtray. -the manager"

NewbietoRPGs · 10-11-2005, 11:36 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Vaskez:

quote:
Originally posted by NewbietoRPGs:
A lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas . He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The lawyer responded, "I Shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I'm one of the best trial attorneys in California and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Texas . We settle small disagreements like this with, "The Texas Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What's that?"
The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.
The barrister was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet, wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you
old coot. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

you bastard, I posted this about 2 years ago, how did you remember? [/QUOTE]Jeez, I had no idea it was already posted...I've only been a member for like 2.75 years.. I had just gotten that as an email the other day from my sister in law!! Sorry to be so darn repetitive!! [img]graemlins/blush.gif[/img]

10-07-2005, 10:37 AM	#1
Vaskez Takhisis Follower Join Date: April 30, 2001 Location: szép Magyarország (well not right now) Posts: 5,089	The healthiest things in the world are birthdays...the more you have of them, the longer you live Doctor: I'm afraid I've got some bad news, you won't be able to have sex for the rest of your life Patient: What?! How am I gonna manage that? Doctor: I'm sure you'll manage, it's only a week The Ferrari formula 1 team has replaced its entire team of mechanics after testing out a group of hungarian used car dealers. The hungarian dealers switched the wheels in 4 seconds, and in this time they also managed to tamper with the gear box, reset the mileometer and sell the whole car to McLaren. Sign in a restaurant gents' toilet: "Please do not throw cigarette butts into the toilets. The hands that have to remove them from there are the same hands that prepare your dinner." Girl: Dad, John's asked for my hand in marriage, but I don't feel I can leave mum!! Dad: It's ok dear, just take her with you then A man's at the optician's... Optician: Sir, I think you need to stop masturbating Man: why will I go blind? Optician: No, but it's disturbing the other patients Got a few more but they might be a bit unsuitable for this forum [ 10-07-2005, 10:38 AM: Message edited by: Vaskez ] __________________ Too set in his ways to ever relate If he could set that aside, there'd be heaven to pay But weathered and aged, time swept him to grave Love conquers all? Damn, I'd say that area's gray

10-07-2005, 11:13 AM	#2
Cloudbringer Ironworks Moderator Join Date: March 1, 2001 Location: Upstate NY USA Posts: 19,737	GROAN! __________________ "Don't take life for granted." Animal (may he rest in peace)

10-07-2005, 11:48 AM	#6
Vaskez Takhisis Follower Join Date: April 30, 2001 Location: szép Magyarország (well not right now) Posts: 5,089	lmao I can't find my link, but I did find two others who posted that joke http://www.ironworksforum.com/ubb/no...=013144#000007 for one __________________ Too set in his ways to ever relate If he could set that aside, there'd be heaven to pay But weathered and aged, time swept him to grave Love conquers all? Damn, I'd say that area's gray

10-11-2005, 05:32 AM	#8
burnzey boi Red Wizard of Thay Join Date: September 14, 2004 Location: Western Australia Age: 33 Posts: 800	Lol, I like the scene where he buys a giant turnip. __________________ burnzey - The Australian kiss, like a French kiss, but down under (Main)Undead Mage - 70, Orc Warrior - 70, Blood Elf Paladin - 70, Orc Shaman - 70, Troll Rogue - 70, Orc Hunter - 65, UD Warlock 61, BE Priest 60, Tauren Drood - 60 OM NOM NOM NOM

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10-07-2005, 11:19 AM	#3
NewbietoRPGs Drow Warrior Join Date: January 3, 2003 Location: Connecticut Age: 50 Posts: 264	A lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas . He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I Shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I'm one of the best trial attorneys in California and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Texas . We settle small disagreements like this with, "The Texas Three Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What's that?" The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The barrister was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet, wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old coot. Now it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

10-07-2005, 11:30 AM	#4
Krowlars Dungeon Master Join Date: July 14, 2001 Location: Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. Age: 41 Posts: 84	BUAHAHAHA! That was REALLY wicked!

10-08-2005, 10:45 AM	#7
armageddon272 Symbol of Cyric Join Date: September 20, 2004 Location: Maine, feel sorry for me Age: 33 Posts: 1,163	How about this little excert from Blackadder II. Edmund: Right Baldrick, let's try again shall we? This is called adding. If I have two beans, and then I add two more beans, what do I have? Baldrick: Some beans. Edmund:Yes...and no. Let's try again shall we? I have two beans, then I add two more beans. What does that make? Baldrick: A very small casserole. Edmund: Baldrick, the ape creatures of the Indus have mastered this. Now try again. One, two, three, four. So how many are there? Baldrick: Three Edmund: What? Baldrick: And that one. Edmund: Three and that one. So if I add that one to the three what will I have? Baldrick: Oh! Some beans. Edmund: Yes. To you Baldrick, the renaissance was just something that happened to other people wasn't it?

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