Joke World 01-01-10

[Arvon]

A whole new year to go with some new and some old. Have at it...


In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him.
Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell are you doing?"

"Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!"

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "I'm a lawyer. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?"

[Arvon]

A bit PG...


A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his sex life.

The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but didn't seem to be getting a clear picture of the problems.

Finally, he asked, "Do you ever watch your girlfriend's face while you're having sex?"

"Well, yes, I did once."

"Well, how did she look?"

"Oh boy, she looked VERY angry!"

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further.

Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?"

"She was watching us through the window."

[Arvon]

Here's an oldie, but true...

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn.

The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer told him he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?"

The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."

[Arvon]

Again a bit PG...


Rich was talking to his buddy at the bar, and he said, "I don't have a clue what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."

His buddy said, "I have an idea - why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it - she'll probably be thrilled."

So the that's what Rich did.

The next day at the bar his buddy said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"

"Yes, I did," said Joe.

"Did she like it?" His buddy asked.

"Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!"

[Arvon]

A blind man was seen waiting at a street corner with his guide dog. After a short wait the dog started leading the blind man across the street against the red light.

First a car comes screeching to a halt inches away from him, but still the dog leads on, then a bicyclist almost wipes them out and curses as he goes by. Finally in the last lane a truck swerves and barely misses them.

After they reach the far corner the blind man reaches in his pocket and pulls out a cookie and offers it to the guide dog. At this point another person who has watched the entire episode interrupts asking why he was rewarding the dog after the dog had endangered his life and almost got him run over by a car, bicycle and truck.

The blind man responded: "I'm not rewarding him, I'm just trying to find out which end is his head so I can kick him in the ass."

[Timber Loftis]

Did you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally?
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It's because she smells like a new car.

[Timber Loftis]

A fighter pilot walks into a pub after a day of flying and strikes a conversation with a beautiful woman seated at the bar. After several drinks and smooth conversation, the woman comments on his large complicated watch. He tells the woman, "That's a pilot's watch, and it can do much more than tell me the time." She says, "What else can it do?" He says, "It can tell me intimate details about women." The woman raises her eyebrows and says, "What does it tell you about me?" The pilot says, "It's telling me you aren't wearing any underwear." The woman laughs and says, "Well, it's not correct, because I am wearing underwear." The pilot looks at the watch again, taps on it, and says, "Darn it, the thing's running an hour fast."

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A heartwarming story.



My small grandson got lost at the shopping mall.
He approached a uniformed security guard and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"
"The guard asked, "What's he like?"
My grandson said, "Whiskey and women with big tits."

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WHY MEN DON'T WRITE ADVICE COLUMNS:

[Luvian]

I love the advice column!

[Chewbacca]

So glad for this thread, good job Arvon and other irregular contributors like TL and VR !

[VulcanRider]

Originally Posted by Chewbacca So glad for this thread, good job Arvon and other irregular contributors like TL and VR !

Can't speak for TL but I get plenty of fiber in my diet...