on the lighter side, chamber of laughter is back.....

[Ace Flashheart]

An adulterer, after dieing in a car crash, finds himself in the bowls of hell, facing the prince of darkness himself... Satan.

"Hello Joe Smith", says Satan, "Due to your sins in life you have been damned to eternal punishment for your crimes. However, in your case your sins were only minor ones, so I will be merciful and allow you to choose your own punishment of the three I have provided. These three doors all open to a different room where the sinner suffer for their crimes, you will have 10 minutes to make your choice. After ten minutes the doors will become locked and you will be unable to leave that room ever again."

Walking to the first door Joe Smith opened it. Inside were many people in a very plain room, the only luxury being a carpeted floor, where all the inhabitants were standing on their heads. Not wanting to spend eternity standing upside down he closed the first door and moved on to the second.

Opening the first door Joe looked inside and saw yet another room where all the occupants were standing headfirst on the ground, however this time it was on a concrete floor. Liking this even less that the last one he closed the door and moved onto door no.3.

Upon opening the third door the first thing noticeable was the smell, as the entire room was filled up to ankle height in horse dung. Unlike the other two rooms though, the people in here were all standing around talking and drinking cups of tea. After several minutes of talking to the people in the room and acquainting himself with his surrounding he decided he'd like to stay in the third room.

*The smell might be bad but it's better than spending eternity standing on my head*

Another 15 minutes passed as Joe talked to the people in the room, asking them what they were in for, or what they were in life, drinking a few cups of (quite pleasant) tea being served by a small daemon when his idle chatting was interrupted by the sound of a hulking daemon entering the room.

Blowing loudly on a whistle and turning to address the men and women in the room he spoke.

"All right sinners, tea break is over... back on your heads!"

[Ace Flashheart]

You know tour a redneck when:

You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.

Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.

Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

You burn your yard rather than mow it.

You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.

The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

You come back from the dump with more than you took.

You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

You've been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.

You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

You've bathed with flea and tick soap.

You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture.

You took a fishing pole to Sea World.

You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

You have a rag for a gas cap.

Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.

You can spit without opening your mouth.

Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.

You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.

The biggest city you've ever been to is Walmart.

Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

You thought the Unibomber was a wrestler.

You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.

A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvement.

You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.

You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.

You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.


[This message has been edited by Ace Flashheart (edited 10-06-2001).]

[Ace Flashheart]

What do you call a man with a spade in his head?

Doug

What do you call a man without a spade in his head?

Dougless

What do you call a spanard who just had his car stolen?

Carlos

What do you call a spanard who's just come out of hospital?

Manwell

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?

Cliff

What do you call a um...* person who may have originated from Asia minor with ham on their head?

Hamid

What do you call a PWMHOFAM* with more ham on thier head?

Mohammed

What do you call a PWMHOFAM* with more ham on their head standing between two houses?

Mohammed Ali

What do you call a man floating in the ocean with no arms or legs?

Bob

What do you call a man with no arms, legs or tounge covered in leaves?

Russle

What do you call 20 blondes standing ear to ear?

A wind tunnel

What do you call a sleep walking nun?

A roman cathholic

What do you call a man that gets sucked into a meat grinder?

Chuck

What do you call a man that gets sucked into a meat grinder in a sausage factory?

Frank

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on a beach?

Sandy

What do you call a Chinese PostWoman?

May Ling

What do you call a blonde dying her hair auburn?

Artificial intelligence

What do you call a blind stag?

No eye-dear

What do you call a blind stag with no legs?

Still no eye-dear

(I apologise in advance for this one)

What do you call a blind stag with no legs and no genitals?

Still no fscking eye-dear

[Ace Flashheart]

BTW J.J./250 you guys are amazing between the G.W.Bush Joke and the telemarketing phone call I think I nearly bust my gut...

Keep em coming ppl!!!

[J.J.]

Oh Baby!

I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labor when the nurse walked out and said to a man sitting there, "Congratulations sir, you're the new father of twins!" The man replied, "How about that! I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."

About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mrs. Smith had just had triplets. Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for 3M!"

When the nurse appeared next, she told the third man that his wife had given birth to quadruplets. "That's amazing! I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!"

At this point the gentleman sitting next to me let out a little strangled gasp and hurriedly got up, obviously distraught. When I asked him if he was okay, he explained, "I think I need a breath of fresh air." The man continued, "I'm the casting director for 101 Dalmatians."

------------------
Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

Official Pin-Up Girl Evaluator/Massager of the O.L.D. C.O.O.T.S. Clan
To Err is Human To Forgive Divine, However Neither is U.S. Marine Corps Policy.

[J.J.]

A Canadian, Osama Bin Ladin and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you each one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie.
The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."

With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Osama Bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state."

Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.

"Uncle Sam" (A former civil engineer), asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out---virtually impenetrable."

"Uncle Sam" says, "Fill it with water."



------------------
Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

Official Pin-Up Girl Evaluator/Massager of the O.L.D. C.O.O.T.S. Clan
To Err is Human To Forgive Divine, However Neither is U.S. Marine Corps Policy.

[J.J.]

> A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing
> happened.
>
> Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100. When the
postal
> authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to
send
> it to President Bush.
>
> The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed
his
> secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.
>
> The President thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a
little
> boy.
>
> The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a
thank
> you note to GOD, which read:
>
> Dear GOD,
>
> Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for
some
> reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, they
took
> most of it.


------------------
Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

Official Pin-Up Girl Evaluator/Massager of the O.L.D. C.O.O.T.S. Clan
To Err is Human To Forgive Divine, However Neither is U.S. Marine Corps Policy.

[J.J.]

Hey,
A schoolteacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.

On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with deskwork.

When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

He had no discipline problems with any of his students that term.
Father Bronze, this one is for you!

------------------
Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

Official Pin-Up Girl Evaluator/Massager of the O.L.D. C.O.O.T.S. Clan
To Err is Human To Forgive Divine, However Neither is U.S. Marine Corps Policy.

[J.J.]

This is one of the most out-there things I have gotten from my dedicated cadre of unrepentant jokesters and stainless steel cynics, inc.
In the year 2032

A father and his son are walking the Manhattan streets when the father stops at a vacant lot takes a deep breath and tells his son:
"To think that at one time here on this very lot stood the Twin Towers."
The son looks at his father and asked: "Dad, what are the Twin Towers?"
Father says: "My dear son, the Twin Towers were two tremedously tall buildings with lots of offices that was the heart of the United States, but approx 31 years ago, several Arabs destroyed the buildings."

The boy then thought for a minute and then asked his father: "Daddy what are Arabs?"



------------------
Amanda's Dad

Official Pin-Up Girl Evaluator/Massager of the O.L.D. C.O.O.T.S. Clan
To Err is Human To Forgive Divine, However Neither is U.S. Marine Corps Policy.

[250]

Originally posted by J.J.: This is one of the most out-there things I have gotten from my dedicated cadre of unrepentant jokesters and stainless steel cynics, inc. In the year 2032 A father and his son are walking the Manhattan streets when the father stops at a vacant lot takes a deep breath and tells his son: "To think that at one time here on this very lot stood the Twin Towers." The son looks at his father and asked: "Dad, what are the Twin Towers?" Father says: "My dear son, the Twin Towers were two tremedously tall buildings with lots of offices that was the heart of the United States, but approx 31 years ago, several Arabs destroyed the buildings." The boy then thought for a minute and then asked his father: "Daddy what are Arabs?"

o...my....Go..d....