JJ (and Vicotnik) invite you in 4 laughs-PG13-G

Creative ways to describe less than adequate employees or others we come
in contact with - this should give a chuckle


* Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom
and shows signs of starting to dig.

* His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid
curiosity.

* I would not allow this man to breed.

* This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more
of a definitely won't be.

* Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like
a rat in a trap.

* When he opens his mouth, it seems that this is only to change
whichever foot was previously in there.

* He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

* This man has delusions of adequacy.

* He sets low personal standards and consistently fails to achieve
them.

* This employee should go far -- the sooner he starts, the better.

* This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

* Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't looking.

* Got a full six-pack, but is missing the plastic thingy that holds
it together.

* A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

* A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

* Bright as Alaska in December.

* Donated his brain to science before he was quite finished using it.

* Fell out of his family tree.

* The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't
coming.

* This man has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking
for it.

* If brains were taxed, he would get a rebate.

* Any dumber and he would have to be watered twice a week.

* If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you would get change
back.

* If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

* It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.

* Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he gargled.

* Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.



------------------
Unstinting Gaurdian of Children
Defender of Those Unable To

[Mouse]

Okey Dokey..... heres a link to the world famous Darwin Awards and an example of the sort of stuff gathered there

http://darwinawards.de/

Some men will got to extraordinary lengths to prove how macho they are. Frenchman Pierre Pumpille recently shunted a stationary car two feet by headbutting it. "Women thought I was a god," he explained from his hospital bed.

Deity or not, however, Pumpille is a veritable girl's blouse compared to Polish farmer Krystof Azninski, who staked a strong claim to being Europe's most macho man by cutting off his own head in 1995. Azninski, 30, had been drinking with friends when it was suggested they strip naked and play some "men's games". Initially they hit each other over the head with frozen turnips, but then one man upped the ante by seizing a chainsaw and cutting off the end of his foot. Not to be outdone, Azninski grabbed the saw and, shouting "Watch this then," he swung at his own head and chopped it off.

"It's funny," said one companion, "when he was young he put on his sister's underwear. But he died like a man."


------------------
Regards



Mouse

[Charean]

Inspirational Posters For The Cubicle Era

-Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
-If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
-Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
-Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
-Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity
-A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a scapegoat.
-Plagiarism saves time.
-If at first you don't succeed, try management.
-Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
-TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.
-The beatings will continue until morale improves.
-Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
-We waste time, so you don't have to.
-Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
-Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
-A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
-When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
-INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
-Succeed in spite of management.
-Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment

*****************************

Snappy Things To Say To Co-Workers

Obviously you're unable to assimilate my stimulating concepts into your blighted and retarded world-view.
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
I can see your point, but I still think you're full of it.
I like you. You remind me of me when I was young and stupid.
What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
I'll give you a nice, shiny quarter if you'll go away.
I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
How about never? Is never good for you?
I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication
You're just jealous because the little voices talk to ME.
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
Who me? I just wander from room to room.

*****************************

Daily Affirmations For The Office

-As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath.
-I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
-I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
-I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.
-In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
-Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.
-My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.
- I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.
-Joan of Arc heard voices too.
-I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.
-I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.
-As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.
-When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.
-The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find
someone to buy me nice things.
-As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.
-All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts.
-I am at one with my duality.
-Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.
-I will strive to live each day as if it were my 40th birthday.
-Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.
-I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.
-Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."
-False hope is nicer than no hope at all.
-A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.
-Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.
-Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute... I'll find someone.
-Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?
-The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.
-I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
-Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step -- blaming my parents.
-To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.
-I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

From I Am My Own Best Casual Acquantance And Other Cosmic Half-Firmations
by Shanti Goldstein"


------------------

Defender for the Light -
Goodness knows there is a lot of Dark out there!! - Where are my matches?!?
The secret is knowing the rules so you can bend/break them selectively!!!
Aquisition master of the Finest of Humours - and the Killer Joke
Musketeer of Fast Fourward
Looking for lost brain - I left it only for a moment....
Muse and Eternal Love of KDogRex

[Charean]

A college student in a philosophy class was taking his first examination.

On the paper there was a single line which simply said:
"Is this a question?" - Discuss.

After a short time he wrote:
"If that is a question, then this is an answer."

The student received an "A" on the exam.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Things Your Mom Would Never Say to You

"How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"

"Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too"

"Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house look more cheery"

"Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another week"

"Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day"

"Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me."

"The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."

"I don't have a tissue with me ... just use your sleeve"

"Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve"

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

A 4-year-old son was eating an apple in the back seat of the car, when he asked, "Daddy, why is my apple turning brown?"

"Because," his dad explained, "after you ate the skin off, the meat of the apple came into contact with the air, which caused it to oxidize, thus changing the molecular structure and turning it into a different color."

There was a long silence. Then the son asked softly, "Daddy, are you talking to me?

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on strike. Hospital officials say they will find out what the doctors' demands are as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs!

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
A Dog's Diary
Copyright 2001 W. Bruce Cameron http://www.wbrucecameron.com

5:30am: Started the day as a hero! When the sound of the newspaper hitting the driveway roused me from my deep slumber -- the impact indicating the paper was much heavier than normal -- I realized that no one in the house was yet awake! I roused my master by licking him in the face. He appeared very angry with himself for having overslept, shouting and waving his arms. His ill temper even seemed directed at me a bit, which is silly since it is I who saved him from being fired. Funny thing though: He didn't go into work, but spent the morning leafing through the large newspaper and drinking coffee. He seems to do this once a week, and I don't know why.

7:30am: Invaders! The people who live next door came out into their yard, obviously getting ready to lay siege to our house. Snarling and barking, I let them know in no uncertain terms that I was prepared to tear them from limb to limb it they came any closer, and was able to repel the invasion. This is an almost daily occurrence; you'd think they'd learn. My master added his voice to the fray as well, yelling angrily. I am sure the people couldn't hear him, but it was nice of him to lend his support.

10:00am: I was forced to move, as the patch of sun in which I was lying had, for some reason, slid over a few feet. It's not easy being a dog.

1:00pm: I have the most thoughtful master in the world! While it's true he left me alone in the house for several hours, he did set out a treat for me on the kitchen counter. It was even gift-wrapped, a courtesy I wish he'd skipped, since it led to me having a lot of plastic in my teeth. The roast was delicious, though frozen in the center. I don't want to seem ungrateful, but crunching through two inches of rock-hard beef is hardly my idea of a delicacy.

2:00pm: Most unpleasant experience when my master returned home and was furious that I had not eaten the plastic wrap which had been covering my present. He kept pointing at the small pieces of Styrofoam and other debris and raving in a most irrational fashion. I'm sorry, but he should know that I can't eat that stuff; it makes my stomach upset. When he began rolling up a newspaper I realized he'd lost all reason and bolted for the front door, which was fortunately open just a crack.

4:00pm: Spent the afternoon with the girls. A most productive day; I was able to mark territory for two blocks. "Drip 'til you drop" is our motto. We had a small snack at an outdoor cafe we like, with meat scraps and bread served out of circular containers with easily displaced lids. Ran into that rogue Sebastian, who lifted his leg with irritating nonchalance -- does he think I don't know about his obsession with Muffy, that snotty schnauzer from down the road? Last month there wasn't a male in the neighborhood who couldn't be found outside her fence, and Sebastian was at the head of the pack. I let him know I want nothing more to do with him.

5:00pm: What a treat! On the way home a flock of ravens drew my attention to a squirrel that had been flattened by an automobile. After several days in the sun, the aroma was so delicious it made my nose quiver. I rolled in the wondrous fragrance for several minutes, and when I stood up I positively radiated eau de roadkill. Let Sebastian drool over Muffy -- he doesn't know what he's missing.

6:00pm: Of all the times to get a bath! My master, still in a foul mood, made me stand outside in the chill air while he shampooed and rinsed me several times. Every time I shook the water from my fur he, too, became drenched, and in the end he was shivering. Why in the world does he do stuff like this?

9:00pm: Time to sleep, though I am not allowed on the bed whenever anyone's home. Ah, the life of a dog.



------------------

Defender for the Light -
Goodness knows there is a lot of Dark out there!! - Where are my matches?!?
The secret is knowing the rules so you can bend/break them selectively!!!
Aquisition master of the Finest of Humours - and the Killer Joke
Musketeer of Fast Fourward
Looking for lost brain - I left it only for a moment....
Muse and Eternal Love of KDogRex

[Charean]

Road to romantic ruin is paved with practical gifts
_____
The other day my son and I were talking, and the subject of women came up, and I realized that it was time he and I had a Serious Talk. It's a talk every father should have with his son; and yet, far too often, we fathers avoid the subject, because it's so awkward.

The subject I am referring to is: buying gifts for women.

This is an area where many men do not have a clue. Exhibit A was my father, who was a very thoughtful man, but who once gave my mother, on their anniversary, the following token of his love, his commitment, and -- yes -- his passion for her: an electric blanket. He honestly could not understand
why, when she opened the box, she gave him that look (you veteran men know the look I mean). After all, this was the deluxe model electric blanket! With an automatic thermostat! What more could any woman WANT?

Another example: I once worked with a guy named George who, for Christmas, gave his wife, for her big gift -- and I am not making this gift up -- a chain saw. (As he later explained: ``Hey, we NEEDED a chain saw.'') Fortunately, the saw was not operational when his wife unwrapped it.

The mistake that George and my dad made, and that many guys make, was thinking that when you choose a gift for a woman, it should do something useful. Wrong! The first rule of buying gifts for women is: THE GIFT SHOULD NOT DO ANYTHING, OR, IF IT DOES, IT SHOULD DO IT BADLY.

For example, let's consider two possible gifts, both of which, theoretically, perform the same function:

GIFT ONE: A state-of-the-art gasoline-powered lantern, with electronic ignition and dual mantles capable of generating 1,200 lumens of light for 10 hours on a single tank of fuel.

GIFT TWO: A scented beeswax candle, containing visible particles of bee poop and providing roughly the same illumination as a lukewarm corn dog.

Now to a guy, Gift One is clearly superior, because you could use it to see in the dark. Whereas to a woman, Gift Two is MUCH better, because women love to sit around in the gloom with reeking, sputtering candles, and don't ask ME why. I also don't know why a woman would be ticked off if you gave her a 56-piece socket-wrench set with a 72-tooth reversible ratchet, but thrilled if you give her a tiny, very expensive vial of liquid with a name like ``L'essence de Nooquie Eau de Parfum de Cologne de Toilette de Bidet,'' which, to the naked male nostril, does not smell any better than a stick
of Juicy Fruit. All I'm saying is that this is the kind of thing women want. (That's why the ultimate gift is jewelry; it's totally useless.)

The second rule of buying gifts for women is: YOU ARE NEVER FINISHED. This is the scary part, the part that my son and his friends are just discovering. If you have a girlfriend, she will give you, at MINIMUM, a birthday gift, an anniversary gift, a Christmas/Chanukah/Kwanzaa gift, and a Valentine's Day gift, and every one of these gifts will be nicely wrapped AND accompanied by a thoughtful card. When she gives you this gift, YOU HAVE TO GIVE HER ONE BACK. You can't just open your wallet and say, ``Here's, let's see... 17 dollars!''

And, as I told my son, it only gets worse. Looming ahead are bridal showers, weddings, baby showers, Mother's Day and other Mandatory Gift Occasions that would not even EXIST if men, as is alleged, really ran the world. Women observe ALL of these occasions, and MORE. My wife will buy gifts for NO REASON. She'll go into one of those gift stores at the mall that men never enter, and she'll find something, maybe a tiny cute box that could not hold anything larger than a molecule, and is therefore useless, and she'll buy it, PLUS a thoughtful card, and SHE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW WHO THE RECIPIENT IS YET. Millions of other women are out doing the same thing, getting farther and farther ahead, while we guys are home watching instant replays. We have no chance of winning this war.

That's what I told my son. It wasn't pleasant, but it was time he knew the truth. Some day, when he is older and stronger, we'll tackle an even more difficult issue, namely, what to do when a woman asks: ``Do these pants make me look fat?'' (Answer: Flee the country.)


------------------

Defender for the Light -
Goodness knows there is a lot of Dark out there!! - Where are my matches?!?
The secret is knowing the rules so you can bend/break them selectively!!!
Aquisition master of the Finest of Humours - and the Killer Joke
Musketeer of Fast Fourward
Looking for lost brain - I left it only for a moment....
Muse and Eternal Love of KDogRex

[Charean]

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following
exchange:

Officer:
May I see your driver's license?

Driver:
I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer:
May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver:
It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer:
The car is stolen?

Driver:
That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the
glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer:
There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver:
Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns
this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer:
There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver:
Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was
quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver
to handle the tense situation:

Captain:
Sir, can I see your license?

Driver:
Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain:
Who's car is this?

Driver:
It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain:
Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver:
Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain:
Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver:
No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain:
I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you
didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that
there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver:
Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too



------------------

Defender for the Light -
Goodness knows there is a lot of Dark out there!! - Where are my matches?!?
The secret is knowing the rules so you can bend/break them selectively!!!
Aquisition master of the Finest of Humours - and the Killer Joke
Musketeer of Fast Fourward
Looking for lost brain - I left it only for a moment....
Muse and Eternal Love of KDogRex

[Charean]

Phone Won't Stop Ringing? Here's What You Do

Leola Starling of Ribrock, Tenn., had a serious telephone problem. But unlike most people she did something about it.

The brand-new $10 million Ribrock Plaza Motel opened nearby and had acquired almost the same telephone number as Leola.

From the moment the motel opened, Leola was besieged by calls not for her. Since she had the same phone number for years, she felt that she had a case to persuade the motel management to change its number.

Naturally, the management refused claiming that it could not change its stationery.

The phone company was not helpful, either. A number was a number, and just because a customer was getting someone else's calls 24 hours a day didn't make it responsible. After her pleas fell on deaf ears, Leola decided to take matters into her own hands.

At 9 o'clock the phone rang. Someone from Memphis was calling the motel and asked for a room for the following Tuesday. Leoloa said, "No problem. How many nights?"

A few hours later Dallas checked in. A secretary wanted a suite with two bedrooms for a week. Emboldened, Leola said the Presidential Suite on the 10th floor was available for $600 a night. The secretary said that she would take it and asked if the hotel wanted a deposit. "No, that won't be necessary," Leola said. "We trust you."

The next day was a busy one for Leola. In the morning, she booked an electric appliance manufacturers' convention for Memorial Day weekend, a college prom and a reunion of the 82nd Airborne veterans from World War II.

She turned on her answering machine during lunchtime so that she could watch her favorite soap opera, but her biggest challenge came in the afternoon when a mother called to book the ballroom for her daughter's wedding in June.

Leola assured the woman that it would be no problem and asked if she would be providing the flowers or did she want the hotel to take care of it. The mother said that she would prefer the hotel to handle the floral arrangements. Then the question of valet parking came up. Once again Leola was helpful. "There's no charge for valet parking, but we always recommend that the client tips the drivers."

Within a few months, the Ribrock Plaza Motel was a disaster area.

People kept showing up for weddings, bar mitzvahs, and Sweet Sixteen parties and were all told there were no such events.

Leola had her final revenge when she read in the local paper that the motel might go bankrupt. Her phone rang, and an executive from Marriott said, "We're prepared to offer you $200,000 for the motel."

Leola replied. "We'll take it, but only if you change the telephone number."

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

I have a friend who flew Lear Jets for the U.S. Air Force. He would occasionally be assigned to an air show where one of his tasks was answering questions about his plane. Someone would always point to the fuel tank and ask if it was a missile. His standard answer was, "I can neither confirm or deny the presence of nuclear weapons on this aircraft."



------------------

Defender for the Light -
Goodness knows there is a lot of Dark out there!! - Where are my matches?!?
The secret is knowing the rules so you can bend/break them selectively!!!
Aquisition master of the Finest of Humours - and the Killer Joke
Musketeer of Fast Fourward
Looking for lost brain - I left it only for a moment....
Muse and Eternal Love of KDogRex

[Charean]

Some trues examples of frivolous lawsuits in Texas:

A woman sued a man because he swore at her in traffic. He offered to meet her
and apologize, but she refused and filed suit for $5,000. She won $2,500 at the
trial court level, but the decision was reversed on appeal because she failed to
prove her distress was more than what a reasonable person could endure.

A man in Fort Worth filed a lawsuit against Elvis Presley Enterprises,
contending that the King faked his death and ran off to live a normal life. He
says he knows for certain that Elvis is alive because he has had frequent
telephone calls from him.

A South Texas man borrowed his neighbor's lawn mower. While mowing his own
yard, he fell and pulled the lawn mower over his own foot. He sued his neighbor
for $235,000. The jury awarded him nothing.

An inmate sued the county jail because he claimed there was an abundance of
feathers near his cell and he was allergic to feathers, which caused his asthma
to act up. The assistant district attorney commented, "A jailbird should never
be complaining about feathers." The inmate then sued the newspaper that
reported the comment, claiming the guards made fun of him after they read it.



------------------

Defender for the Light -
Goodness knows there is a lot of Dark out there!! - Where are my matches?!?
The secret is knowing the rules so you can bend/break them selectively!!!
Aquisition master of the Finest of Humours - and the Killer Joke
Musketeer of Fast Fourward
Looking for lost brain - I left it only for a moment....
Muse and Eternal Love of KDogRex

[Charean]

The following correspondence actually occurred between a London hotel's staff and one of its guests. The London hotel involved submitted this to the Sunday Times. No name was mentioned.

Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have bought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way. Thank you, S.Berman

Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as your requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory. Kathy, Relief Maid.

Dear Maid,
I hope you are my regular maid. Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-sized Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them. S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,
My day off was last Wednesday so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instucted by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are also placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can be of further assistance. Your regular maid, Dotty

Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A. M. that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any further complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8 AM and 5 PM. Thank you. Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper

Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 A.M. and don't get back before 5:30 or 6:00 P.M. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bathroom shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me? S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid, kathy has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8:00 AM and 5:00 PM. Thank you. Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper

Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-sized Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-sized Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets. S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,
I have informed our houskeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience. Martin L. Kensedder, Assistant Manager

Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-sized Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath-size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial. S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory
which I left in your room. Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper

Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of today I possess:
1. On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
2. On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
3. On bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
4. Inside medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
5. In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
6. On northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
7. On northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.

Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstanding. S. Berman

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Defender for the Light -
Goodness knows there is a lot of Dark out there!! - Where are my matches?!?
The secret is knowing the rules so you can bend/break them selectively!!!
Aquisition master of the Finest of Humours - and the Killer Joke
Musketeer of Fast Fourward
Looking for lost brain - I left it only for a moment....
Muse and Eternal Love of KDogRex

[adam warlock]

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."